Why can't I cry?
THE ANSWER COULD BE SOCIAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, OR MEDICAL
By Jackie Menjivar
(Hojojenks / Unsplash)
If you can’t remember the last time you cried, you might start to wonder: is that a good thing or a bad thing? People cry for a lot of different reasons — and it’s a totally normal and healthy thing to do. But it’s not like doctors go around prescribing exactly how often you should cry (or not).
And no tears doesn’t necessarily mean no problems. Maybe you’re feeling really sad or frustrated, but the tears just won’t come. So if you’re having trouble crying, here’s what might be going on.
Why can’t I cry?
Mental health condition: Mental health conditions that cause emotional numbing or dissociative symptoms like PTSD and depression can make it harder to connect with your emotions and cry them out. Certain medications that treat mental health conditions (including antidepressants) can also have an impact.
Social pressure: Over the course of your life, you might’ve received messages (whether explicit or implicit) that unfairly stigmatize crying. Those expectations could be familial, cultural, or societal, and they might also be influenced by gender and age.
Trauma and abuse: Traumatic events can shape the way you understand and navigate the world — especially when you experience them in childhood. If you survived trauma or abuse, you probably learned behaviors that helped you get through it. For example, if you had a parent who punished you for expressing your feelings, learning to hold back the tears could be a survival skill. And those “lessons” stick around even after the threat is gone.
Defense mechanism: It’s not the healthiest coping strategy, but some people deal with tough emotions by just avoiding them altogether. You might push down your feelings without processing them — and you can’t cry if you don’t let yourself feel it.
Other medical conditions: There are some medical conditions that make it hard to physically make tears. Familial dysautonomia is a super rare one, while dry eye syndrome is more common (especially if you wear contacts or spend a lot of time looking at screens).
Is it bad that I can’t cry?
Not necessarily! It’s only a problem if you don’t have any other healthy ways to process negative feelings and situations. But if you’ve got a full toolkit of coping skills (that aren’t rooted in avoidance), tears aren’t strictly necessary.
That being said, crying definitely has its benefits. Here are a few:
Let out pent-up emotions
Release mood-boosting and stress-reducing chemicals
Regulate strong emotions
Relieve physical and psychological pain
Flush out debris and toxins
Communicate your feelings to other people and signal for help
I want to cry, but I can’t. How do I make myself cry?
Sometimes you need a good cry. But keep in mind that not all tears are created equal. The reflexive tears you get from chopping onions don’t have the same benefits as emotional tears. So it’s not enough to just make yourself physically cry — you’ve gotta tap into your emotions to get that endorphin-fueled catharsis. Here’s how:
Make yourself an emotionally safe space. This will look different for everyone. Maybe you’ll want to be somewhere private, where there’s no chance someone will walk in on you. Or you might want to play music or white noise to drown out the sound of your crying. (Your shower is a great place for both of these examples.)
Connect with your feelings. In your brain, you might recognize that you’re sad. But it’s time to take it from an analytical observation to an embodied feeling. You can start by journaling about what you’re experiencing, or even just talking through it to yourself out loud (a pet can also make for a good judgment-free outlet).
Build yourself up. The ramp-up to the tears is a crucial time to push yourself into that good-cry-zone. Remind yourself (out loud if you need to) that it’s okay to let it out. Breathe deeply in and out, let your eyes drift close, and repeat a mantra like: “I am sad, but I am safe. I am allowed to cry.”
“Borrow” some emotions from another source. If you’re struggling to tap into your current feelings, try using something else to get the tears flowing. Sometimes it’s easier to respond to other people’s pain or joy than your own. And there’s no shortage of heartwarming (or heartbreaking) stuff out there. Here’s a non-exhaustive list of TikTok/YouTube searches to get you started: military homecomings, pet memorials, animal rescues, people paying off their parents’ debt, immigrant family reunions, etc.
Consider therapy. If you struggle to process tough emotions or experiences, it might be worthwhile to meet with a therapist. With some guidance, you can learn to unearth those repressed feelings and let them out in a way that helps you heal (with or without tears).
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Crying is normal. Not crying is also normal. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, you aren’t alone. But if you’re consistently having trouble tapping into your emotions, then it might be helpful to take a free online mental health screen to see if there’s anything else going on.