What are “mommy issues”?

OUR PARENTS HAVE AN IMPACT ON US, AND IT ISN’T A PUNCHLINE

Estimated read time: 3 minutes

By Jackie Menjivar

From television shows to twitter threads, “daddy issues” has cemented itself as part of our pop-culture vocabulary. Sometimes it’s used as a punchline; other times it’s a self-described personality trait. But at its core, it gets at the idea that our relationship with our parents impacts our development. 

And with the rise of “daddy issue” discourse, folks are also starting to turn their attention towards mothers and their psychological influence. “Mommy issues” seem to be having their moment. But what are “mommy issues,” and what makes them distinct? The answer is a bit more complicated, so let’s unpack it. 

What are “mommy issues”?

“Mommy issues” has become a sort of shorthand to describe the psychological impact of your relationship with your mother. And if we’re being honest, it’s a bit reductive. 

You don’t get diagnosed with mommy issues, and there’s no universal definition for it. There isn’t a list of symptoms that you need to check off to qualify. And that’s because everyone’s relationship with their mother (or lack thereof) is unique — which means that whatever “issues” you have as a result will also be unique. 

That being said, there are certain traits and behaviors that some people seem to think are popularly associated with “mommy issues.” That includes stuff like self-criticism, perfectionism, resentment towards other women, etc. But it’s all speculative armchair psychology that’s unfortunately been memed to death along with its counterpart “daddy issues”.   

What’s the difference between “mommy issues” and “daddy issues”?

Let’s just say the quiet part out loud: the whole concept of “mommy issues” and “daddy issues” comes from gendered stereotypes about how men and women parent. You’ve probably heard the cliches of the overbearing mother and the absent father and the “issues” that would result from having one or the other. Reality is much more nuanced. Not every woman is nurturing, nitpicky, or smothering. Not every man is stoic, emotionally distant, or a workaholic. 

When you label perfectionism or people-pleasing as a “mommy issue” and codependency or promiscuity as a “daddy issue,” you’re perpetuating harmful stereotypes that assume men and women raise children differently (and dysfunctionally) based solely on their gender. Not to mention that not all parents even identify as male or female.
Yes, your parent(s) can definitely impact how you see yourself and navigate the world around you. But just like every parent-child relationship is different, that impact is gonna be different for every person. Instead of looking for catch-all definitions for daddy issues and mommy issues, a better question is: how does your relationship with your parents impact you psychologically?

So how does your relationship with your parent(s) impact you psychologically?

Research shows that your relationship with your parent(s) can impact your self-worth, your relationships, and even your future parenting skills. It’ll show up differently based on your specific parent and relationship, but there are some common complications.  

  • If your parent was hypercritical… you may develop a low sense of self-worth and judge yourself harshly. 

  • If your parent was emotionally distant… you may try to find affection in other places, leading to unstable or unhealthy friendships and relationships. 

  • If your parent was overbearing… you may have a hard time setting boundaries and making your own decisions.

  • If your parent was neglectful… you may learn to be hyper-independent and struggle to ask for help from other people. 

  • If your parent was demanding… you may become a perfectionist and look for validation from your success in school or work. 

  • If your parent was inconsistent… you may fear rejection and need lots of reassurance from other people about their feelings for you. 

Be kind to yourself if you identify with any of these things. At some point in your development, you learned coping skills, thought patterns, and behaviors that helped you adapt to your environment. You are not to blame for the way you were treated and the things you did to survive. There’s still time to unlearn the stuff that no longer serves you and replace it with something healthier.

How can you heal from difficult parent relationships? 

  • Acknowledge the past. Take some time to really reflect on your upbringing. How did your parents respond to your emotions? How did they discipline you? How did they communicate with you? Do you remember any especially difficult experiences? 

  • Feel what you need to. Grieve the relationship that you missed out on. Cry unapologetically. Yell angrily at the sky. Whatever emotions come up, let yourself feel them and then let them go. If it helps, write it all out in a letter to your parents (that you don’t ever have to send). 

  • Recognize harmful patterns. Now it’s time to get introspective. What do you struggle with? Maybe you have unrealistic expectations for yourself or other people. Maybe there’s an area of your life that you’re neglecting. Or maybe you haven’t found a healthy way to cope with strong emotions. Withhold the judgment, and identify the things you want to work on. 

  • “Reparent” yourself. You don’t get to choose how your parents treat you, but you can choose how you treat yourself. Meet your own needs  — whether that’s physical or emotional. If you didn’t get a lot of praise growing up, give it to yourself through positive affirmations. If you weren’t taught healthy coping skills, find your own. If you felt like you couldn’t express your feelings, practice by journaling. 

  • Seek professional help. You don’t have to do this work alone. A therapist can help you process your parental wounds and build new skills and behaviors. Talking about your parents in therapy is super common, so don’t be afraid to reach out. 

—

It’s time to ditch our preconceived ideas about “mommy issues.” Your relationship with your parent could be good or bad or complicated, and it has nothing to do with their gender. Instead of mocking or stereotyping parental trauma, let’s focus on the real work of healing from it.

RelationshipsKristina Benoist