What does it mean to heal your inner child?

THE LESSONS WE LEARN IN CHILDHOOD STICK WITH US AS ADULTS

By Jackie Menjivar

(Olivia Bauso / Unsplash)

It’s great to see so many people online celebrating all the little ways that they’re “healing their inner child.”  If you go off of most of the popular posts about it, you might think that healing your inner child is all about being playful, getting yourself fun treats, and revisiting old interests. And that’s definitely a part of it! 

But there’s a lot more to explore when it comes to inner child work. It’s a psychological concept that’s been around for a while, with most people tracing it back to psychiatrist Carl Jung’s work  in the early 20th century. So what even is an inner child, and why does it need healing in the first place? Let’s talk about it. 

What is an inner child?

Your experiences as a kid can really shape the way you are as an adult. Even as you grow older, you still carry those childhood memories and the lessons they taught you. We all have an “inner child” within us. Think of it like a representation of your younger self. 

What does it mean to heal your inner child?

Your inner child can show up in your present-day life. It’s at its best when you can tap into the playfulness, curiosity, and imagination that kids are known for. But sometimes it’s not so positive. 

Childhood is a time when you might start to feel things like shame, rejection, and vulnerability for the first time — especially if you went through traumatic or unsafe experiences as a kid. When you’re a child, you don’t have the physical or emotional ability to fully process and respond to these kinds of situations. Looking back once you’re older, you might have a better understanding of what was really happening or how things should’ve gone. But your inner child remembers it through their eyes. 

Maybe you were bullied as a kid. Now as an adult, you probably know that you didn’t do anything to deserve it, and that it was probably your bully who needed to work on themself. But your inner child remembers it differently. In that moment, you may have thought that something was wrong with you, and you developed a feeling that you’re not good enough. 

Sometimes as an adult, you might find yourself reacting to a situation as you would have as a child, unconsciously informed by those negative memories. You’ve internalized those “lessons,” and you’re holding onto that pain. That’s how these so-called “inner child wounds” have a lasting impact. 

That’s why different kinds of therapy (especially the ones that focus on your past experiences and trauma) emphasize the importance of inner child work. By addressing and healing those wounds, you can unlearn the harmful lessons of your childhood and feel more safe, loved, and secure in adulthood. 

What are the signs of a wounded inner child?

Inner child wounds can show up in different ways. They reflect the ways that your needs weren’t met as a child. So if your caregiver(s) didn’t listen and support you emotionally as a kid, then as an adult you might have a hard time communicating and addressing your feelings. Here are some other examples: 

  • Unhealthy coping mechanisms (drugs, alcohol, sex, spending money)

  • Unhealthy relationship patterns (emotional dependence, hyperindependence)

  • Being extra sensitive or reactive to situations

  • Low self-esteem/being highly self-critical

  • Shutting down your emotional needs

  • Craving drama and conflict

  • Self-destructive behavior

  • Trouble setting boundaries

  • Fear of abandonment

  • Shame about your appearance

  • Resisting change or unexpected surprises

More generally, you want to look out for patterns. Do you keep making the same mistakes in certain parts of your life? Do your relationships usually repeat the same unhealthy patterns? Do you fall back on the same harmful coping mechanisms when things get tough? 

How to heal your inner child

Acknowledge your inner child. The first step is to recognize that your inner child even exists.  Acknowledge the impact of your childhood memories and beliefs, and accept that there’s a part of you that still needs love and support. Yes, you’re an adult now, and yes, you “know better.”. But what you know in your brain isn’t always what you’re holding onto in your heart. 

Look back on your childhood. You might not think about your childhood very often (or maybe you’re making an effort to repress it). To really get to the root of your wounds, it’s helpful to trace back those key moments that led you here. Making a childhood timeline is a good place to start.

Explore a specific memory. You don’t have to start with a painful or sad memory. Open up the connection to your inner child with a happy one, or just one that you remember really strongly. You can do this through meditation or journaling. Put yourself back in that moment, and walk yourself through the memory in the eyes of a younger you. 

  • What do you see, hear, and smell? What can you observe?

  • How do you feel physically and emotionally? 

  • Who else is there? What do you feel towards them?

  • What are you thinking? What are you questioning? 

Talk to your inner child. You’ve got wisdom now that your inner child didn’t have back then. So try telling them what you needed to hear at that moment. If you were an adult hanging out with little you, what would you say to them? Again, you can do this through meditation or journaling. If it helps, try writing a letter to your younger self. It might go something like this: 

“Hey little me. I know that things feel kind of scary at home right now, but none of this is your fault. You’re doing your best to handle the situation, and I’m so proud of you. It’s okay to feel anxious or sad when things are so uncertain. Cry if you need to, but remember that you will get through this because you are so strong and so, so loved.” 

Do you think that your younger self needed a reassuring hug? Then this might also be a good time to practice some self-soothing touch. Try a weighted blanket, self-massage, or butterfly hug. 

Remind yourself of your growth. Even if you feel like you’re in a better place in life, your inner child might still be stuck back in that unsafe situation. You might still feel that pang of guilt when you “break” a childhood rule, or you might second-guess the decisions that you get to make for yourself now. That’s when it’s important to remind yourself of the agency and ability that you have now. Speak to your inner child as much as to your present self. 

“You are not powerless anymore. You’re safe, and you have control over your life. Look at what you’ve achieved. You are so capable. No one can take that away from you.” 

Keep the connection going. Maybe it’s easy to talk to your inner child with kindness and love, but it’s harder to keep that self-talk positive when it comes to adult you. You wouldn’t tell a child that they’re dumb or awkward or ugly, so why do we tell ourselves these things as adults? Try getting in touch with your inner child in those moments when you’re being harsh on yourself. As a reminder, you could tape up a childhood photo of yourself on your mirror, or set it as a background on your phone. When you talk to yourself, remember that you’re also talking to them. 

Indulge in childhood pleasures. Now’s the time to do all those things you were discouraged from as a kid. Was there anything you really wanted to do as a kid but couldn’t? Was there stuff you were really passionate about or proud of, but that seemingly no one cared about? What did you need or want that you can give yourself now? Do the things that bring out the joyful, playful, creative side of yourself. 

 —

Heads up: this can be some heavy stuff. Any time you’re diving deep into your past (including the painful parts), it can bring up some uncomfortable feelings. That’s why it might be helpful to work with a therapist who can help guide you through your inner child work.

If you need immediate support, text IDM to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Counselor at Crisis Text Line, or call 988 to reach the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

Kristina Benoist