+ Is it normal to feel bad about feeling better?

It’s totally normal to feel uncomfortable whenever you make a change, and that discomfort is confirmation you’re growing! You may have a bit of “survivor guilt,” which means you might still be blaming yourself for feeling bad and haven’t yet given yourself permission to enjoy feeling better. Feeling bad about feeling better might also be related to the fact that we feel safe with what’s familiar, even if it doesn’t feel good, so feeling better is part of an unknown new experience that can be a bit scary at first but will feel and get even better with time.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ Talking about my mental health doesn’t change anything. I still feel the same. Why?

If talking doesn’t work, maybe something else is going on. Do you need to take a biological approach (meds, lifestyle change) or is there something underneath it all that isn’t really being addressed? Maybe you’re struggling with a different kind of mental health problem. Try taking a screen, it could help sort out what’s going on.

Theresa Nguyen

+ Is crying a good coping mechanism?

Yes, sometimes you just gotta cry. Crying is a natural response to lots of emotions — sadness, anger, feeling overwhelmed. Holding it in is often harder. But if you’re crying all the time and feel like it’s not a normal amount, you might be struggling with depression. If you’re not sure, take a mental health screen and see if something else is going on.

Theresa Nguyen

+ To what extent should you be selfish about prioritizing your mental health?

Be selfish! Choosing to prioritize your mental health is actually the most generous thing you can do for yourself and the people you love. You serve others best when you feel happy and healthy, and you can teach others to take care of themselves by example. Truly taking care of you is the best thing you can do for the highest good of all.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

—

Perhaps the line is drawn by asking yourself if the actions you’re taking — if they’re what’s best for you — are actually selfish at all? If you’re often putting yourself last, then self care should absolutely be a priority. But if you hear from multiple people in your life — people you trust — say that you’re being selfish, maybe it’s time to self-reflect and ask them to help you clarify what actions are selfish vs self care.

Theresa Nguyen

+ Is it okay to feel empty sometimes?

Yes. It is okay and common to feel empty sometimes.

I think it makes a lot of sense that so many of us can feel empty sometimes. First, we spend so much time trying to get people to like and accept us. We try so hard to be “good enough”. All that energy focused on other people at the expense of ourselves and what we truly want and need can leave us feeling empty.

I choose to understand that feeling of emptiness as a knock at the door. A knock trying to tell me that I am disconnected from something really important within me that wants to be out in the open. Oftentimes, it’s feelings that I think aren’t okay to be felt or expressed. If you feel empty, what aren’t you feeling?

I think that feeling of emptiness is part of the human experience. And while it can feel really bad or uncomfortable there is this opportunity to get to know it and to listen to what it has to say and what it wants.

Next time you feel it maybe close your eyes and take a deep breath and ask, “what do you want to tell me?” And then just listen for the answer. Also, move your body. Feel your aliveness through movement. It is almost always that it will shift the energy in some way and open the door to some understanding about that feeling of emptiness.

Aimee Falchuk

+ What can I do when I’m too afraid to ask for help?

First, I just want to say that you writing this question is you asking for help. So that’s really great.

When we are afraid to ask for help it usually means we have some ideas or beliefs about what it means if we do. So what is it you believe about asking for help that makes you afraid? Some things to consider:

1. Do you believe asking for help is a weakness — that you will be seen as not being strong enough to do it yourself?

2. Do you believe that if you ask for help you will be burdening or bothering others?

3. Do you feel like you don’t know exactly what you may need so it keeps you from asking?

It can be helpful to first try and understand what it is about asking for help that scares you. Oftentimes, it really is a belief we have about it — which is often not really true.

Also, how do you feel when people ask you for help? Do you have compassion for whatever their struggle may be? Are you wanting to help them? If so, see if you can allow yourself to know that the same could apply to you when you reach out for help.

Lastly, telling someone you are afraid to ask for help may be the place to start. Sometimes just telling someone what we feel is what really gets us what we need.

Aimee Falchuk

+ How do you learn to love yourself?

Learning to love yourself can be one of the most difficult but rewarding endeavors of your life. First, it is important to recognize what is getting in the way. Oftentimes, we have negative narratives about ourselves that play over and over in our heads like a recording. These automatic thoughts often include statements like “I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too fat, too ugly, too skinny for anyone to really like me, let alone love me.” These narratives often date back to early childhood. When our early caregivers are unable or unwilling to meet our emotional needs, we deny or diminish these needs so that our caregivers don’t abandon us. It’s not rational, but it’s what we do to stay alive. On top of that, when difficult things happen to us during these years, it is always safer to blame ourselves than to blame others. These negative narratives often are born out of these experiences and become the fuel and the limiting factor of our lives.

So, what can we do to change them and find self-love. First, we need to remember that just because we think something doesn’t make it true. Putting some space between ourselves and our thoughts is the first step in halting these limiting thought patterns. Mindfulness techniques, including simple breathing exercises, where you practice noticing your thoughts without judgment can be a great first step in changing these negative stories.

In addition, many of my clients find it helpful to reconnect with that younger part of themselves that carry the burden of that negative narrative. Oftentimes, I ask them to share a childhood picture with me, asking them how they feel towards that young one. By looking directly into the eyes of their younger selves, they can easily see how undeserved they were of these labels they have carried with them for so long. They can feel loving towards that child, and in turn, start to generate feelings of love for their adult selves.

Another technique I use with a client who is working on discovering self-love is to ask them what they would tell a beloved friend or family member who was struggling to feel worthy of love. Often it is easy to see the distortions in our narratives when we are imagining that we are talking about someone else.

How do we know that we actually love ourselves? Like happiness, I don’t believe feeling self-love is something that we can strive to achieve as a permanent state. Rather, it is a willingness to see ourselves as good and deserving. Cultivating self love and compassion means treating ourselves as though we already do. Some days are easier than others. But the process of cultivating self-love can be reflected in the people we surround ourselves with and the choices we make to prioritize our health and well being. Recognizing and honoring the importance of your mental health and relationships, can be signs that you are on the right track to experiencing the self-love you have always deserved.

Felicia Falchuk

+ How do I cut out people who are endangering my mental health?

Cutting a person out of your life who’s negatively impacting your mental health is crucial for good self-care. But how do we do this?
First, think about what, if anything, you need to say to this person before you cut ties. Many of us assume that it’s helpful to tell a toxic person the “truth” about how their behavior has impacted us. But, before speaking, we need to examine our goal. Do we imagine that the person will change? Often, the person’s inability to take in our perspective is the reason we want to end the relationship. In such a case, confronting the person may do more harm than good. This doesn’t mean that you should avoid your feelings around ending the relationship. But there are ways that you can feel your feelings without confronting the object of your distress. You can write a letter that you don’t mail or journal about your experience. You can talk to a friend or therapist. No matter which approach you choose, it’s important to allow yourself to experience all of your emotions related to this ending, both good and bad.

If it’s not always necessary to confront the person, then what? Often, it makes sense to simply change the dynamic. For example, you don’t need to check in with someone that you want to cut out of your life. Although this sounds obvious, it can be difficult because we often feel obligated to check in with people from our past. Remember that you’re not obligated to stay connected to people who do not enhance your life. If such a person pursues you, you can politely put them off by stating that you’re busy right now. While not the most honest approach, this statement might be enough to convey that you’re not interested in maintaining the relationship. If this isn’t an option, setting boundaries around the amount of time that you give this person can be a good first step in cutting ties. A five minute call that you end can feel very different from an hour long call that they end by saying that they have to go. By setting boundaries, we make a strong statement about what we are willing to tolerate. When toxic people don’t get what they want from us, they often retreat.

If you decide that you need to tell the person that you are done with the relationship, it is best to use simple “I statements” when explaining yourself. Saying something like “I need to focus on my own mental health right now and part of that involves stepping back from our relationship” is an honest statement that is not likely to make the other person feel defensive. Speaking your truth in this simple way can lead to a sense of empowerment and agency, which are both important to optimal mental health.

Felicia Falchuk

+ Why do I feel like I’m never going to be okay?

See if you can figure out what thought patterns are making you feel this way. If you can explore the narrative, perhaps you can identify where that belief system came from, identify the flaws and distortion in your thought process and find a way to reframe the narrative so that you can be a friend to yourself instead of a critic. Ask someone who loves you what qualities they see in you that they like best and reassure yourself with their loving words. When you remind yourself that we’re all okay, including you, not only will you feel better but it will be true. Also, it sounds like you’re scaring yourself about the future. If you focus on the present and just take one day at a time, feeling better today will help you create even a better tomorrow, because when you’re okay, it’s okay.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ What are some healthy ways to stop feeling lonely?

Weirdly, it helps us feel more connected to give than it does to receive. (ps — this works for feeling loved as well, but that’s a whole other conversation). So, if you can offer some time or energy to someone else in need, you feel good about you and they feel better, too. Another helpful way to feel like you belong is to meditate, which provides a spiritual sense of being connected to everyone and everything. Lastly, it’s always good to join a group where you have a built-in common interest like hiking, theatre, etc. You’ll be doing something you enjoy and meeting other people with whom you already have something in common.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How do you deal with the fear of not making enough out of life?

Fear is a feeling that relates to powerlessness and present action is the means to create the future you dream about. What have you been identifying as “enough” and what are your dreams? When you believe you’re enough, it will be easier to feel like you’re making enough out of your life. If you recognize that making your life fulfilling is in your hands, you can commit to do the best you can every day. Identify your purpose and your passion, set your goals and work on achieving them. Doing your best in the present and letting that be good enough is all you need to make your life good enough today and the next day and the next day.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How do I overcome the fear of failure?

Unfortunately the best way to overcome the fear of failure is to fail and see that it doesn’t kill you. Just go for it! It may even make you feel stronger.

Theresa Nguyen

+ How do you deal with imposter syndrome?

Imposter syndrome is an extremely anxious feeling that you don’t belong, you doubt your abilities/talents and there is a fear of being exposed as a “fraud.” Anyone can experience imposter syndrome, however, it’s most common in students, people who were raised in very high expectation families, minority communities and queer communities.

People who suffer from imposter syndrome experience symptoms of self doubt, may tend to sabotage their own success, over achieve, reject positive feedback and overwork themselves.

To cope with imposter syndrome, it’s important to focus on doing things in excellence rather than perfection. Perfection can feel like a ton of judgement and pressure and creates a space for doubt to creep in. On the other hand, excellence allows you to try your best and be confident in your work to the best of your ability.

Some other ways to cope with imposter syndrome is acknowledging that the intrusive thoughts are there, but making a choice not to engage with them. You can reframe the way you respond to your thoughts and challenge your inner-critic. How will you choose to respond? If you entertain the thought, does it help or hinder you?

Another way I have worked with some of my clients who have experienced imposter syndrome is externalizing the imposter from yourself. Giving your imposter a name and knowing when they are showing up can help you take your control back.

Imani Tutt

+ How do I cope with the feeling of rejection?

As humans, we long for a sense of connection and belonging. We are most comfortable when we feel accepted, that is why rejection hurts so much. It can be really difficult being vulnerable and putting yourself out there, all to be met with a heartbreaking “no”.

However, getting rejected does not have to be the end all be all. Rather than looking at it as a hard lesson that leaves you angry and hurt, it actually builds strength and resilience.

Take some time to process your emotions, dealing with rejection is never easy and it may be helpful to sort out your feelings. Try writing down the emotions that you are experiencing and pairing them with the thoughts that are going with these emotions. This can help you organize how you feel, rationalize your thoughts and develop coping mechanisms.

Engage in healthy habits, self care, surround yourself with a support system, the people who do not reject you and most importantly, be kind to yourself.

Although rejection happens to all of us, we each cope with it differently. Remember to not sit in the rejection, be open to what you can learn from the experience and what you can do moving forward.

Imani Tutt

+ How can I find the motivation to continue fighting my mental illness?

It can be so hard to stay motivated and productive while fighting mental illness. There is such a heavy stigma on mental illness that oftentimes it can just feel so discouraging to try and fight through it. The shame associated with mental illness prevents us from getting the support that we really need in fear of being discriminated against or isolated.

One of the ways to stay motivated as you continue to fight mental illness is to give yourself some credit! You have made it so far even with all of the odds stacked against you. You are a powerhouse! Focus on your past accomplishments. How were you able to cope with this in the past? How did you find the strength to keep going?

Another way to find motivation to keep fighting is to join a support group. A strong support system can give you that extra boost you need to stay motivated.

If you do not have a support system, it is 110% okay to ask for help. Treat yourself well and be kind to yourself.

Imani Tutt

+ How do I stop self-sabotaging? Is this an emotional disorder?

The act of self sabotaging alone is not necessarily an emotional disorder, but may be symptomatic of one. If you are concerned that your self sabotaging behaviors are a manifestation of a larger issue, I suggest you speak with a mental health professional.

That being said, most people at one point sabotaged their own efforts, whether it be a momentary instance or a persistent long-term pattern of behavior. At its core, self sabotaging often acts as a defense mechanism. This behavior can be a self fulfilling prophecy fuelled by a fear that even at our best we are not good enough. It makes us question our worth, value, capability, and who we intrinsically are as people.

Because self sabotaging behaviors are developed unconsciously, self awareness is key in understanding and stopping your self-sabotaging behaviors. Identify core beliefs that your self-sabotaging behaviors challenge. Do you feel that you will never be in a healthy relationship? Do you feel that you cannot do well in your work and procrastinate to sabotage your chances? Do you feel that you are in control of the outcome when you do self sabotage? Notice how, when, and where your self sabotaging behaviors specifically manifest.

As you begin to gain a higher awareness of your behaviors, begin to process those core beliefs. Often self sabotage comes from a place of perfectionism, high standards and expectations. Process and see where you may have received and internalized these messages. Developing and cultivating a deeper understanding and empathy will allow you to create and set more realistic goals and actionable steps.

It may also be a good idea to document your progress. This is hard work! It can be easy to give up and be discouraged by the perceived lack of progress. Recognize and celebrate the victories.

Kathryn Lee

+ I thought I was getting better, but I woke up one day and felt at my lowest again? What should I do now?

We all have our “off days,” and there is grace in knowing that we are not perfect. Your role model, your boss, the most successful individuals and athletes have their “off days.” Progress, life is not linear.

Rather than focusing on “doing,” be with yourself and identify what emotions are coming up and what may be physically coming up in your body. Give yourself time and space to process. Our bodies and mind are incredibly complex, and even if we are not cognitively aware of it, our body remembers and stores memories, experiences, feelings etc. Has anything happened the day before or perhaps even a year ago around the same time? There may be a trigger that you are not consciously aware of. If you are working with a therapist this would be great to bring to session to unpack and explore.

And perhaps maybe there is no trigger. Maybe this is symptomatic of burnout, physical exhaustion, and/or a mental health condition. If this is the case, connect with a mental health professional. In the meantime, be gentle and kind with yourself. Do what you need to do to mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually rest and reset.

You may decide to take a mental health day. If you’re not sure what that looks like I would encourage you to treat it as if you were feeling under the weather. Keep your routine for your most basic needs: drink water, eat nutritious meals, take a shower, maybe go for a walk. Stick to the basics.

Kathryn Lee

+ I feel like I’m so behind in life. How can I stop comparing myself to other people?

As the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy! Many of us know that comparing ourselves to others will do no good, and yet we find ourselves doing it time and time again.

Here are some practical ways to stop comparing yourself to others:

1. Eliminate “shoulds.” The language we speak to ourselves is important. Think about the “shoulds” in your life. Why do you feel so behind? Do you feel that you should be farther along in your career? Do you feel that you should look or be a certain way? “Should” statements are cognitive distortions. Write all these statements and begin reframing them into neutral and/or positive statements.

2. Limit social media use. For many, social media is a common trigger for various insecurities. Although we may cognitively know people are portraying a version of themselves on social media, it can be easy to feel that we are missing something or are behind in life. By limiting your social media use you can turn your focus to yourself.

3. Be proud and instill a sense of accomplishment. The more you recognize the wins in life, the more you cultivate a sense of pride and confidence in your own self. Take some time to reflect on some accomplishments you are proud of and remember that small wins are still wins!

4. Silence the voice of critics and strengthen your inner voice. Often many core beliefs we are holding onto are internalized messages that we have received at one point in our lives from society, our families, peers etc. If you do not become familiar with your own voice it can be easy to let external voices and opinions become your own. Take the time to get to know and strengthen your own voice.

5. Practicing acceptance. Everyone’s path is different; practice accepting and being content with you and your life right now. It can help to have role models who have had non conventional paths.

Kathryn Lee

+ What are some tips for controlling my anger?

Anger is often a secondary emotion, underneath the anger lies the primary emotion that we feel. Our anger can be a response to deep hurt, betrayal, loss, etc. Processing the core emotion is how one can truly understand and control one’s anger. Once you identify the root, you can begin to identify triggers and warning signs.

That being said, here are some practical tips on controlling your anger in the moment:

1. Acknowledge your feelings. Suppressing feelings often just delay the response. People often think that acknowledging their feelings will make it worse; however, more often than not acknowledging their feelings generates conversation and curiosity about what is going on.

2. Count to 100. This can keep your mind occupied and also gives you some time to pause before saying or doing anything.

3. Step away from the environment. Give yourself a break, and take a few slow, deep breaths; stepping away even for a few seconds can help you recenter. If you are having a tense discussion and you need more time, let the other party know that you will revisit the conversation when you are able to do so in a calm manner.

4. Create a plan. Have some “go-to” activities or things you can turn to when you are angry: a picture of a loved one, a pet, or your favorite place, scented hand lotion, and/or mints or a piece of candy. Engage with your senses.

Kathryn Lee

+ I can’t cry even when I’m upset. Is this normal?

This is an appropriate, normal response. Our brains are wired to keep us alive and keep us from harm. Sometimes our brains protect us by preventing us from feeling when we go through an experience that is emotionally charged, leading us to become emotionally numb. Many individuals who are diagnosed with mental health conditions such as depression may find themselves experiencing numbness for this reason; it is our brain’s way of protecting us from a perceived or real threat to harm.

Others may not cry as a defense mechanism; this can be conscious or unconscious. At a certain point in an individual's life, he/she/they may have been taught or shown that it was dangerous to show feelings. To protect your innermost world, you learn to not cry even though you may be upset. Reflect on how feelings were engaged with when you were a child. What happened when you did cry? Were they encouraged? Were they discouraged? Be curious and see what comes up.

Kathryn Lee

+ What’re some tools for dealing with burnout?

When managing burnout, it’s important to identify the root of your burnout. For many, having loose boundaries is the core issue; burnout often begins when an individual begins to neglect their needs. Individuals may feel it is selfish to prioritize their own needs and care; however, you cannot be present for your loved ones and friends if you are not being filled yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup! In fact, individuals will often begin to feel a lack of compassion for others when they begin to get burnt out. It is a sign that you do not have the capacity to pour into someone else. It is important that we honor our own bodies and minds and set boundaries to prevent and heal from burnout.

In addition, remember what makes you feel alive, what makes you happy! Burnout often leaves people feeling unmotivated and uninterested. Remind yourself of your why and get inspired again. Make sure to also carve out some time for yourself to participate in an activity and/or hobby that you previously enjoyed. It can be as simple as doing a puzzle, baking, or taking a walk. If you’re not sure what the exact cause of burnout is, think about what drains your energy. Reflect on a time when you were not burnt out and see what the differences are between the two situations.

Kathryn Lee

+ What are some ways I can manage my stress better?

A stressful situation triggers the autonomic nervous system which increases our cortisol levels in our bodies in addition to other hormones. This creates the physiological symptoms we associate with stress such as increased heart rate or higher blood pressure. Thus, stress is not only a mental health issue, but also a physical health issue. Our mental health and physical health are intertwined; when we are not physically equipping ourselves we are putting a cap on our mental health as well. Taking care of yourself physically is the fundamental building blocks of your mental health and stress management.

When it comes to stress management, stick to the basics!

1. Hydration and diet. Staying hydrated is essential for your mental and physical health. Make sure you are eating healthy meals on a consistent basis.
2. Sleep. Sleep is integral to our brains and bodies; it allows us to reset and restore physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you are struggling with sleep hygiene, you can start by creating boundaries and a routine around sleep.
3. Get moving. Take a walk outside, dance, swim – anything to get your body moving.
4. Practice meditation or mindfulness. Keep in mind that mindfulness is not just breathing, it can be anything from baking to painting. Find an activity that can ground your mind and body.
5. Connect with your support network. Stress, like a pressure cooker, can build the longer you leave it alone. It’s important to have an outlet when we are feeling stressed. Whether it's talking to friends, family, or a mental health professional, talk to people about your stress.

Kathryn Lee

+ My boss is dismissive about my mental health triggers. What should I do?

Talking about your mental health can be intimidating to anyone, let alone your boss. I commend you for advocating for yourself! When we receive a negative response it can trigger feelings of anger, betrayal, rejection, abandonment that are rooted in previous negative experiences. Process and reflect on how you are feeling. Have you felt like this before? Does this remind you of a person, place, or time in your life? If so, how can you respond differently this time with your boss?

Having a support system when we are struggling with our mental health is important. Surround yourself with colleagues, friends, family members, loved ones, and/or a mental health professional who will validate your mental health experience. It can also be helpful to frame your boss’ dismissiveness as a reflection of his/her/their own stigma and feelings associated with mental health, rather than a reflection of you. What people say are often a reflection of them and not of you. Your mental health concerns are valid.

Ultimately, people cannot thrive in environments that are not built with their wellbeing as a priority. People do thrive in environments that are built to empower, support, nurture, and uplift. You may be in an environment or maybe even a field or industry that is not suitable for you. If you do have the option to consider other opportunities it may be time to re-evaluate if this is the right fit for you.

Kathryn Lee

+What are some tips to help with regulating stress because of school?

School can be incredibly stressful. No matter what grade you are in, it is likely that you have experienced some sort of school related stress. Remember, this is completely normal! School can have a multitude of stressors whether it is academic or peer related. These things can impact your functioning and overall mood on a daily basis.

One thing you can do to help alleviate stress related to school work is talk to your teacher(s). They are there to help and support you, so reach out to them if you need added support or additional help with assignments or other classwork. Another thing you can do is ask for support from the school counselor or mental health professional on campus. These individuals are trained to support you with things ranging from academic concerns to personal/social issues. A third thing you can do is make a list. Go through all of your classes and write down what assignments you need to complete and when they are due and slowly start to work through that list. This helps give you a visual of what needs to be completed and will allow you to stay organized. Lastly, self care! Self care is essential when trying to alleviate stress, especially school stress. When you get home from school, try to do one self care activity before you start working on any homework or school related assignments. A self care activity could be watching your favorite tv show, eating a yummy snack, spending time with a pet, or meditation/relaxation.

School stress is completely normal, and you are not alone in this experience. It can be assumed that your friends or family members have experienced school stress at some point in their life, so talk to them and ask them about their experiences. I am sure they will have some tips on how to deal with it, and it will remind you that you are not alone in this!

Taylor Gaffney

+ I feel like I'm in a huge rut. How can I start to feel like myself again?

Sometimes we reach phases in our lives that feel monotonous and unfulfilling - oftentimes called a rut. When we are in a rut our daily lives feel dull and unproductive. So how do we change this? When this happens, it is important to recognize the feeling and acknowledge it. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are in a rut until we are already deep in it. There are quite a few things that we can do when we are beginning to feel or already feel this way. This can include: switching up or changing your routine to make life feel more exciting, spending time with people you care about, or planning something that you can look forward to. In addition, it could also be helpful to create a list of things that make you happy that you can do on a daily basis. It can be as simple as petting an animal or eating a really good snack - just something that makes you feel good. It is also incredibly helpful to engage in a consistent self care routine. Oftentimes when we are in a rut, we are neglecting our self care, so reengaging in some of those behaviors can not only make us feel good, but help us get out of that rut and allow us to start feeling like ourselves again. It could also be helpful to talk to a trusted person about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing because it is very likely that they have experienced a similar situation. They might have good tips on how to get back on track and get back to enjoying life.

Taylor Gaffney

+ I just don't really like myself. What are some things I can do to feel better about who I am and the things I do?

It is normal to dislike ourselves sometimes…Most of us have a negative inner critic that puts us down when we make mistakes. While that voice in your head may be loud, it isn’t always true! To feel better about who you are, consider reflecting on where these negative self-talks come from and learn to challenge them when necessary. Additionally, try practicing self-compassion and surround yourself with loved ones who see you positively and can remind you of the positive traits you possess. You are inherently worthy and lovable!

Kimmy Wu

+ What actually makes someone a narcissist? Do you think we use the word too much now?

"Narcissist" is a term that has been used more frequently in recent years, often in casual conversation and online discussions. However, it is essential to distinguish between the clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and the colloquial use of the term.

In a clinical context, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental health condition characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Individuals with NPD may have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, a belief in their own unique brilliance, and a constant requirement for excessive admiration. It is important to note that narcissism as a trait alone is one that we all have a healthy amount of. Being selfish to a certain extent is important and essential for our survival! However, narcissism becomes a clinical issue and can warrant a diagnosis when it consistently impacts one’s ability to regulate, connect, and lead stable, healthy lives and relationships.

So while someone may show narcissist traits, it does not necessarily make them a narcissist. More often than not, this is most likely what the majority of people are trying to convey in conversations when talking about “narcissism.” Making this distinction can allow us to avoid pathologizing individuals and in oversimplifying complex personality traits. The next time this comes up in conversation, consider shifting your language a bit to better inform yourself and others!

Kathryn Lee

+ I catch myself constantly just staring at my phone. I know it's not making me happy, but I don't know how to break the habit. Is there anything you'd recommend to break out of the scrolling cycle?

Breaking the habit of constant phone scrolling can be challenging when so much of our lives are tied to our phones. It can be so easy to grab our phone to check emails only to find ourselves scrolling on TikTok 10 minutes later. While breaking this habit may be difficult, it is not impossible. Here are several strategies you can try to regain control of your screen time:

1. Schedule designated phone-free times. Establish specific times of the day when you commit to being phone-free. For example, during meals, before bedtime, or when spending time with family and friends. This helps create a healthy balance and encourages mindful living.
2. Designate phone-free zones. Identify areas where phone use is off-limits, such as your kitchen, the bathroom, etc. Keeping your phone out of reach during certain activities can help break the automatic habit of reaching for it.
3. Establish a bedtime routine. Most people find themselves doomscrolling at night, before they go to sleep. Consider creating a bedtime routine that doesn't involve screens or limited screen time. Replace phone scrolling with reading a book, journaling, practicing mindfulness, perhaps checking with a partner, friends or loved ones.
4. Practice mindfulness and get curious. When you catch yourself reaching for your phone out of habit, take a moment to pause and be curious. Challenge yourself to pause even if it is for 30 seconds. Can you perhaps wait 1 minute, 5 minutes, maybe even 30 minutes? Ask yourself if you genuinely need to use your phone. What feeling are you looking for and moving towards? Are you perhaps avoiding a feeling? Practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your habits and tendencies, and ultimately allow you to tackle the root issue.

Breaking habits is hard work and takes time, persistence, and patience. Experiment with different strategies to find what works best for you. Define specific, achievable goals; start small and gradually increase the difficulty as you become more comfortable with the changes. If the habit persists and negatively impacts your well-being, consider seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional.

Kathryn Lee

+ How do you know if you have anxiety or if it’s just stress?

While they can feel the same, stress and anxiety are different, and the difference can be helpful in finding ways to manage them. Stress is something we often experience as a result of something coming at us from the outside. External stressors — as they are referred to — can be things like expectations from our peers or our family, financial burdens, school and social stressors, care-taking responsibilities, illness etc.

It is very common to feel overwhelmed by these external stressors, especially if we feel like we don’t have a good handle on them or may be afraid to ask for help or don’t practice good self-care.

While stress is often brought on by outside forces, anxiety originates internally. Anxiety can actually be a response to stress but the symptoms of anxiety often remain even when the external stressor is no longer there. Anxiety is best described as persistent and excessive worry. If it had a phrase playing itself over and over again it might be something like “I am not okay” or “I am not safe.” It's like our nervous system is stuck on “danger.”

My clients have explained it as a general feeling of unease. Some experience it as hyper-vigilance or sensitivity, constant thinking and worry about everything, especially things that they don’t have control over. Some experience it more in their bodies and report feeling tense or tight in their muscles, a shallow breath or even shortness of breath, sweating, restlessness and dizziness at times. Some even experience it as panic at times.

Neither stress nor anxiety feels good, so it’s important to take good care of yourself — this includes sleep, exercise, maintaining a healthy diet, and staying hydrated. Different techniques like breathing exercises, meditation and just getting down on the floor and feeling the support of the ground can be really helpful. Stress and anxiety can sometimes leave us feeling like we are all alone in it so it can be helpful and even necessary to seek help and support from others.

Aimee Falchuk

+ What are some physical side effects of anxiety?

Chronic stress and anxiety can cause physical side effects in almost every system in your body. If you feel lousy and there doesn’t seem to be a physical cause, anxiety might be the culprit.

It can be so severe that ER personnel often see people experiencing panic or anxiety who mistakenly think they’re having heart attacks. That’s the body’s way of telling you to check-in and take your emotional temperature, as well as to look for a physical cause.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ What are some ways I can deal with social anxiety?

Some great ways to deal with social anxiety include breathing techniques and simple conversational strategies. Take a couple of deep breaths before entering a social situation and focus on making your exhale longer than your inhale. That will activate a part of your nervous system which helps you relax. Remember that most people in the room will be feeling the same anxiety, so engage others in a way that makes it a one-to-one or small group conversation instead of a mass of strangers. Then ask two questions, wait for their answers and offer one piece of info. Like, “How are you doing? How do you know the host? I’m Lynn.” Keep that up until the conversation takes a natural turn and you’ll not only help yourself relax but will help the other person feel more comfortable, too.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ My anxiety keeps me up at night. I’m constantly overthinking. Can you suggest something that might help?

Sleeping is really about letting go — about surrendering control. That in itself can produce anxiety for many of us. Sleep time is also a time where you are left to your own thoughts and feelings — perhaps all the thoughts and feelings that you don’t have the time to think or feel in your waking state. I guess what I’m saying is the anxiety makes sense.

What can you do in those moments?

1. Shut down all outside stimuli (your phone, the television etc.) at least an hour before you get into bed. Create a calming environment around you including light and sound.
2. Move your body. Jump up and down, pound your fists against a pillow, scream. Move all that energy built up in your body.
3. Ground. Lay on the floor for a few minutes. Bring the energy down. Feel the support of the ground beneath you.
4. Take some deep breaths. Lie on your bed with your hand on your belly. Take a deep breath so your belly expands into your hand. Bring the breath all the way up through the nose and then allow yourself a long deep exhale. Focus on the exhale. As you do this, your body (and mind) should start to calm down.
5. See if there is a phrase or statement you can say to yourself when your mind is filled with thoughts. Try out something like: “I am okay.” “It’s okay to let go.” “I am safe.”
   Let it become a meditation as your body tries to let itself sleep.

Lastly, in your waking state, try to make time for all the thoughts and feelings that keep you up at night. Seek support, write in a journal, breath more consciously, move your body. See the impact that may have.

Aimee Falchuk

+ I want to follow the news but I feel like my anxiety is getting worse everyday. What should I do?

I might suggest you limit your news viewing. Perhaps identify for yourself what basic information you feel like you need to know each day and then limit your viewing to that. Then do something that feels more nourishing. Read, write or draw. Play a game. Meditate. Move your body. Make contact with someone. Get some fresh air. Be with your feelings. Sometimes behaviors can become compulsions – as a way to manage feelings we don’t know how to be with. Tuning into your body and your feelings and then taking care of them in different — less anxiety producing ways — is perhaps the task here. So for example, maybe watching the news feeds the need to feel some semblance of control by knowing exactly what is going on. The task here may be to help yourself tolerate loss of control.

Find ways to be with the truth that the only thing you may have control over is your own internal experience. Turn the focus away from the TV and inward towards your own feelings. Build that muscle of tolerating not having to know — and always having control. You may actually find some freedom in that!

Aimee Falchuk

+ I feel like I’m drowning and need to get something off my chest, what do I do?

Talk to someone! Anyone. And if you can’t talk to someone, write it down without censoring. Telling your deepest truth to yourself and anyone else you choose to share it with can help to remind you that your feelings are OK and so are you.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ What’s the difference between a panic attack and an anxiety attack?

Panic attacks involve intense and overwhelming fear, can happen unexpectedly and are accompanied by physical symptoms. They usually occur because of an external stressor but the specific cause may not be obvious. Anxiety attacks include gradually increasing symptoms of distress, worry, and fear which usually result from the anticipation of a stressful situation, experience, or event. Although both panic and anxiety attacks feel awful, it helps to remember they are not physically harmful and there are lots of great breathing and relaxation techniques that can help you feel safe and calm quite quickly.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ Anxiety is preventing me from finding a job, what do you recommend?

Since thoughts create feelings and feelings create behaviors, you might be scaring and/or criticizing yourself, feeling anxious, and stopping yourself from taking steps to find a job. If you can figure out what cognitive tape is making you feel anxious, you can often recognize that it’s not true, just a familiar protective pattern from childhood experiences. Confront the negative or self-critical message and imagine yourself ejecting and replacing it with what you’d tell a friend or loved one in your situation. A therapist can also help you identify and modify the thought pattern so that as you think positively, you’ll feel more relaxed and confident, so it will be easier to take positive action toward achieving your goals.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How do you know if you’re depressed?

It’s okay to feel sad sometimes. But depression is feeling so sad, irritated, or sluggish that it gets in the way of living the life you want. If you’re not sure, take a mental health screen.

Theresa Nguyen

+ When I get depressed, I feel anger instead of sadness. Is this normal?

Yes! Episodic depression is typically anger turned inward. You are likely aware of feeling blame instead of shame. Shifting to anger instead of sadness is actually a step in the right direction, and expressing the anger in a constructive way to help you release it. Then forgive the other party as well as yourself and you’ll probably notice that both the anger and the sadness have lifted. Let go and you will likely let it go.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ I've forgotten my antidepressants a few times, and I immediately start to spiral without the help of medication. It reminds me that I'm "broken" and something's "wrong with me." What are some things I can tell myself in those moments to feel better?

We are human, and a part of being human is making mistakes. Forgetting to take your medication does not define you, your worth, and/or your capabilities. Here are some things you can tell yourself in those moments when you feel that you’re “broken” and that something is “wrong with me.” Consider writing these down, or if you’re up for it even try saying these things out loud to yourself!

• I am not defined by a single moment.
• I am not broken. I am whole.
• This is temporary; it will pass.
• I am worthy of grace and compassion especially in moments when I don’t feel like I am.
• I am loved.
• I am enough, just as I am.
• I am more than my mental illness, and my highs and my lows.

Kathryn Lee

+ What’s the difference between bipolar and manic depression?

Bipolar disorder, manic-depressive illness and manic depression are essentially synonymous terms to describe a serious mood disorder. Bipolar symptoms and severity can vary widely. Activity levels, energy, sleep patterns and behaviors can change dramatically as the person’s mood fluctuates between intense highs (manic phase) and lows (depressive phase). If you are concerned someone you know may be suffering from bipolar disorder, encourage them to seek psychological help as the disorder tends to worsen without intervention and treatment, but help is out there.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ My friend keeps joking about depression. How do I tell them I have it and to please stop?

It feels like there are two main issues here. First, for whatever reason, your friend may have a certain lack of sensitivity to the struggle that is depression. It also sounds like you don’t feel seen by your friend. Both can be painful. I think you can address both by sharing your own experience with depression with your friend.

What would it be like to tell your friend that you live with depression and what that’s like for you? And what questions might you ask your friend about what they know (or don’t know) about depression? Maybe they have their own fears about it and use humor as a way of dealing with that fear.

Making it an inquiry and conversation and sharing with them your own experience and how what they say affects you, might be a great way to start.

Aimee Falchuk

+ My parents don’t believe me when I say I’m depressed. How should I deal with this?

It’s probably scary for them to think their child is struggling with depression and frustrating for you not to feel heard or understood by them. You can certainly give your parents some reading material from a reputable source concerning depression, symptoms, and recommended treatment strategies. If they’re still not open to the idea, you can also seek treatment on your own and invite them into the process when you feel ready so your therapist can help them understand you better and learn what they can do to support you more.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ Is it possible to overcome depression? Or how do you learn to manage how to live with it?

Some people only experience depression once in their life and it never comes back. For others, it’s something that can stay around for their whole life. Either way, learning to manage depression is totally possible. Even though depression sucks, living with depression doesn’t mean your life has to suck.

Theresa Nguyen

+ My mother has depression. Is it possible that I will have it too?

While there is a genetic component to depression, since you grew up watching your mother’s struggle, you probably have a greater awareness of red flags that signify depressive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The good news is that awareness and knowledge is power, so you are also uniquely equipped to notice any warning signs early and take active steps to avoid and remedy them.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How do I pull myself out of depression?

So the question about how you pull yourself out of depression is an interesting one, because it implies that your depression is a function of your will. And it's not, not entirely. First and foremost, it's important to accept that you're having a hard time and it's difficult. And that there are things that you can do to shift the energy to even feel a little better, but to not place a demand or expectation on yourself that you're going to pull yourself out of it. Depression, in some ways, is a suppression of feelings. Right? And so when we are feeling depressed, it may be important to allow yourself to have a fuller range of your feelings. And that can be anger. It can be sadness, it can be rage, but it's important to allow those feelings to come through and be expressed. And you may find that by doing that you feel a little better.

Aimee Falchuk

+ I feel empty and rarely feel happy about anything anymore. Is this depression?

It’s possible, but there’s likely more to consider! Depression is commonly used to describe a mood disorder, Major Depressive Disorder. Although a major depressive episode of at least 2 weeks with sustained sadness and hopelessness or diminished interest or pleasure are some of the symptoms of depression, several other symptoms must also be experienced to qualify for a diagnosis. If you notice your feelings of emptiness and sadness causing significant distress or impairment in your social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning, I suggest that you seek help from a mental health professional to understand your experience further and receive support in your healing.

Kimmy Wu

+ What’s the difference between bipolar and manic depression?

Bipolar disorder, manic-depressive illness and manic depression are essentially synonymous terms to describe a serious mood disorder. Bipolar symptoms and severity can vary widely. Activity levels, energy, sleep patterns and behaviors can change dramatically as the person’s mood fluctuates between intense highs (manic phase) and lows (depressive phase). If you are concerned someone you know may be suffering from bipolar disorder, encourage them to seek psychological help as the disorder tends to worsen without intervention and treatment, but help is out there.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How do you help a friend living with Bipolar Disorder?

Offer an ear and full-hearted acceptance. Listen if they’d like to talk. It can be difficult to know how to help a friend deal with an issue you’ve never experienced personally, but everyone has felt scared or sad or angry, which is what they’re likely feeling, too. Ask them how you can help and reassure them that you care so they feel supported and you get to feel good about helping your friend.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+How do I know if what I went through counts as trauma?

According to the American Psychological Association, trauma is defined as an emotional response to a terrible event. There are three main types of trauma: Acute, Chronic, and Complex. Acute trauma results from a single incident, chronic trauma is repeated and prolonged incidents, and complex trauma is exposure to varied and multiple traumatic events. Some common reactions to trauma include: feeling distant or detached, feeling jumpy or easily startled, problems at work or school, and avoiding people, places, and things related to the event. Some physical reactions could be upset stomach and trouble eating, severe headaches, rapid breathing, pounding heart, and trouble sleeping or feeling very tired.

Given the broadness of trauma, sometimes we think to ourselves “does this count as trauma?” If you are asking this question, it is highly likely that what you’ve experienced is a trauma. Therapists sometimes refer to trauma as “little t trauma” and “big T trauma.” Little t traumas sometimes refers to events that usually don’t involve violence or disaster, but create significant distress. Big T traumas are typically events that are ongoing or sometimes major losses. These distinctions help validate individuals in that trauma is going to be different for everyone. Something that you might think of as a big T trauma might be a little t trauma to someone else.

It is incredibly important to see a professional to work through your trauma and process it - especially if you are experiencing any of the trauma symptoms whether they are physical or emotional. They can provide you with the tools to manage the symptoms that you’re experiencing and aid you in healing from those experiences.

Taylor Gaffney

+What are some good ways to manage hyper-independence?

Hyper-independence is a trauma response that makes people think that they must make decisions and accomplish things without the help of others. Although young adults and teens are often encouraged to be independent, hyper-independence is the extreme of that.

There are typically a couple signs that could mean you are hyper-independent. These can include: taking on too much responsibility, difficulty delegating, mistrust of others, difficulty with neediness, and few close or long term relationships. The most important thing when dealing with hyper-independence is healing from the root or underlying cause (typically childhood trauma). Hyper-independence is caused by prolonged or acute trauma, so processing and working through those traumas is extremely important in learning to rely on others and trust that other people can support you.

There are multiple ways to work on processing trauma. This can include individual and group therapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and brainspotting just to name a few. It is also incredibly important to engage in self care whether it is meditation, relaxation, or exercise. These activities can help you manage some of the symptoms that stem from the traumatic experience(s). In addition, developing lasting, meaningful relationships is key when trying to heal from hyper-independence. Learning to express your thoughts and feelings to a trusted person can help you learn to combat some of those feelings of not being able to trust or rely on others.

Taylor Gaffney

+ What are some things that someone with PTSD can do to make daily life more tolerable?

PTSD can make a person feel vulnerable, helpless, and alone. Activities that can help you regain a sense of control, connection, and security include: 1) taking positive action to help others which increases your sense of competence and confidence; 2) engaging in outdoor activities to reconnect with nature and releases your endorphins; 3) being around positive people to help you regain a sense of belonging and reassurance; 4) meditating and using relaxation strategies to decrease anxiety; and 5) reminding yourself of your strengths and coping skills. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, talk to someone with whom you can confide. As you tell your story, you release the trauma that has been locked away inside which helps the healing happen.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How can I help myself to deal with sexual trauma without telling anyone?

Frankly, recovering from sexual trauma without disclosing it to anyone is a tall order. Could you at least discuss the issue anonymously through a sexual assault hotline? If so, that might help you manage all the residual feelings and resulting psychological and emotional symptoms that stem from being traumatized. If you’re still not ready for that, then perhaps reading books that relate to recovery from sexual assault would help you heal from the trauma enough to begin to talk it out and work it out. In the meantime, reconnect to your body in healthy ways like exercise and meditation, nurture yourself, be patient with you, write down the things you’re not able to say yet in a journal, and stay connected to other people, especially those who love you.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ What's the best way to cope with trauma that stems from emotional abuse?

Trauma is a dysregulation of the nervous system. It rewires our brains to be in a state of survival.

In order to learn how to cope with trauma, you need to know the signs of it. This may include dissociation, insomnia, racing heartbeat, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, anxiety in addition to feelings of guilt, shame, hopelessness, confusion, and fear. Listen to your body and mind and see what symptoms come up for you. Some tactical coping mechanisms may include mindfulness, breathing exercises, and/or grounding exercises. I often encourage my clients who have a history of abuse to utilize creative outlets if it feels appropriate to them.

At the end of the day, there is no “cookie cutter” method in coping with abuse. In fact, so much of the healing process involves gaining awareness in your own self and how the abuse has impacted you. Emotional abuse often makes individuals doubt themselves; it makes them feel isolated, helpless, and powerless. Knowing what emotional abuse is and recognizing emotional abuse can help you pick up on patterns of it in your own personal history. In doing so, you can begin to take control of your own narrative. As you become more grounded in your own reality, worth, value, and self esteem, you empower yourself.

When you are ready to surround yourself with individuals who can support you and validate your experience. Lean into your support network. Participate in a group. Connect with a mental professional. You are not alone.

Kathryn Lee

+ Why do I self-harm even though my life is fine?

Having a life that’s “fine” doesn’t mean you don’t have painful or difficult feelings. Sometimes, the fact that life is going “fine” according to external measures makes a person believe that having negative feelings is not ok. This causes people to repress emotional pain, anxiety, or anger. When you’re suppressing negative feelings, self-harm may make you feel better for a little while, as it serves as a release. However, those same negative feelings tend to return quickly and worsen, as you may typically feel guilt and shame for self-harming as well. The process can become a vicious cycle but there are healthier ways to cope, starting with remembering that we all feel the same feelings and can learn how to manage and release them in ways that don’t harm anyone, including us.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How do you help a friend with depression who cuts?

Be there. Ask lots of questions. Listen. Don’t jump to giving advice. Find out why they do it. Be honest about how you feel. Show support and love.

And if you’re in a tough spot and feel alone in helping your friend, reach out to someone who can help you.

Getting help for cutting is like getting help for other addictions—it’s hard to do it alone. If your friend is in crisis and needs someone to chat with, text IDM to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Counselor 24/7.

Theresa Nguyen

+ Are you considered suicidal if you would do anything to die but refuse to kill yourself?

Wishing to die is known as passive suicidality or suicidal ideation, whereas thinking about taking action to take your own life is considered active suicidal intent. Although the latter is a more urgent cause for concern, feeling like you belong in either of those categories should be taken seriously. It’s important to reach out to a professional who can help you feel better as well as stay safe. Your life is too important to risk and if you’re not sure about that, please ask the people who love you to help you remember that you are priceless.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How do you tell your family you’re having suicidal thoughts?

The fact that you’re asking this question is already a great first step. Just tell the truth about how you’re feeling and what you’ve been thinking and be honest. Ask them to support you and for assistance in getting help to make sure you stay safe.

And remember, if you’re in crisis and feel like you’re a danger to yourself or others, please seek immediate help.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ I have been harming myself for a long time now. It makes me feel better but I know it's wrong. What can I do to stop?

If you’re struggling with self harming, I highly recommend speaking to a professional that may be able to help you process feelings from your past and present. If you don’t have access to a healthcare professional, you can text IDM to 741741 for free to help you through a crisis.

Even though you’re aware that harming yourself is wrong, you’ve been using it to cope for a long time. It’s easy to create a habit, but it can be really hard to break one. If you find yourself developing an urge to self harm, it’s really important to be aware of what’s triggering you. Once you know what is triggering you, creating a safety plan with your therapist, a trusted friend or family member can be helpful and also give you ideas on other alternatives to try to resist the urge.

People self harm for various reasons and it may be helpful to distract yourself until the urge passes. Calling a friend and talking about something completely different, playing with a pet, going for a run/walk are all things to consider going when you feel an urge. Some other techniques include journaling how you feel, listening to music, drawing or painting. Deep breathing is also a really good technique to self soothe and give yourself a sense of calmness.

If all of that doesn’t help, it may be helpful to speak to a therapist to find substitutes for the cutting sensations as you continue to develop coping mechanisms.

Imani Tutt

+ I feel like my problems aren’t nearly as bad as others. Is it okay to still see a therapist?

There's an unfortunate misconception that therapy is for crisis situations only. The reality is therapy can do so much more for our mental, emotional, and relational wellness.

Let me give you an example. I injured my back years ago and it has healed. Yes, stretching helps, but sometimes I need extra support. I visit my chiropractor regularly to prevent reactivating the injury and she helps the rest of my body stay aligned too. I don't wait until I'm re-injured to see her.

Just as we can proactively take care of our bodies, therapy offers that extra support for our minds and hearts. We've all been injured in ways that may prevent us from fully thriving. Therapy is a space to explore and heal those injuries. It is also a space to explore growth and expansion. So yes, you deserve care, support and healing, and there's absolutely no need to wait until things worsen to start seeing a therapist.

Melody Li

+ Is a therapist the same as a psychiatrist or a psychologist? If not, what’s the difference?

“Therapist” is sort of a broad term that can be a bit confusing as it can apply to many professions — like social workers and counselors. Basically, a therapist is anyone who’s licensed to provide therapy. Psychologists also provide therapy, but because they have PhDs, some of them do other things like psych testing, research, and consulting. A psychiatrist is a medical provider that prescribes medication and focuses on your medical care.

Theresa Nguyen

+ I want to get help, but I don’t have insurance to pay for therapy and I’m a bit scared. What should I do?

Seeking therapy means you’ve acknowledged that you need some assistance, which can be scary in and of itself, but help is out there. There are plenty of low-cost therapy facilities based on a person’s ability to pay that you can access through community resource directories. Also, some graduate schools that train professional therapists have associated programs where student trainees or interns see clients on a very low or no-fee basis. Those interns are supervised by licensed clinicians who are knowledgeable in the latest theories and techniques, so you’ll likely be in good hands. You can also ask a licensed therapist if they have a sliding fee scale and if not, they are usually happy to provide referrals to other agencies or clinicians they know and trust.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ My family would rather pray instead of getting me medication or therapy. What should I do?

You can let them know you appreciate the prayers and respect their belief system, but believe you need some additional, professional help. It might be possible to get faith-based counseling if you would like to start there. If you’re 18 or over, you can seek treatment on your own, which will be completely confidential. Otherwise, each state has different rules regarding parental consent. The difficult decision will then be whether or not to let your family know or simply to take that step on your own. You can maintain your privacy or say you know they want you to be healthy and happy even if they disagree with the means you’re choosing to help you feel better, so you’d like them to respect your choice as much as you respect theirs.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ Do therapists have therapists?

Yes, we do! Therapists are required to participate in personal therapy in order to complete licensure. Although not all therapists continue therapy after licensure, the majority of us do, and we would certainly seek professional help if we were struggling with a personal issue we couldn’t work through independently. We’re also committed to making sure our personal issues don’t impact our clients negatively, so we try to use the tools we have learned to cope with our stuff and seek supervision to make sure we’re doing the best we can for our clients. Practicing what we preach and walking what we talk are fundamental and intrinsic characteristics of good therapists.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ I’ve been in therapy for a year and I feel like my therapist and I are stuck. We’re not moving forward. What should I do?

Use those tools you’ve hopefully learned in therapy and tell your therapist what you’re feeling! Even the best therapist cannot read your mind, so fill them in on what’s going on with you and give them a chance to help you get unstuck.

Chances are you’ll both feel better, and if the therapist doesn’t feel they can help you, they can offer suggestions about a person or place that might be able to help you more effectively.

It may be scary, but most therapists welcome the opportunity to hear from clients what they need and talk through ways that might be of more help. Since they’re good with feelings but can’t read minds, they are usually happy to adjust the treatment modality to something that might work better for you. And if they understand what you’d like differently and can’t accommodate your request comfortably, they can usually refer you to a different therapist who might be a better fit.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How do I even approach finding a therapist if I really struggle with face to face interaction?

There are different ways to get support these days. Some therapists will work with you by phone or on video conferencing. That may be a place to start.

Ultimately however, it could be really important for this issue to be addressed in the therapy. A few questions for you to sit with: What is it about face to face interaction that feels like the struggle? Does it make you feel physically or emotionally unsafe? If so, why? How does the avoidance of face to face interaction impact your life? What could be different — what opportunities are there — if you were able to work through that struggle?

Aimee Falchuk

+ Is therapy good for you even if you don’t have a mental health problem?

Many of us seek out therapy when we have a problem or are in crisis. And yet, sometimes, therapy can be the thing that either prevents the problem or crisis from occurring in the first place or gives us the tools and understanding that allows us to be in the problem or crisis in a way that feels better — where we don’t feel so powerless.

Therapy is too often associated with pathology, meaning something is wrong with you if you need therapy.

For me, therapy is about self-exploration. It's about getting to know ourselves, how we feel, what we think, why we behave a certain way. It gives us tools and techniques to deal with all sorts of everyday life experiences and challenges.

Therapy can open us up to a deeper experience of life. It can awaken us to parts of ourselves we didn't before. It can be reparative — meaning we can have profound healing experiences in therapy that allow us to move on from things we once thought were so fixed or never-ending. Curiosity about yourself, about your relationships, about your body, about life is enough of a reason to seek out therapy.

Aimee Falchuk

+ When should you get help from a professional?

If you know something isn’t quite right and the way you’re feeling is really getting in the way of how you want to live, talking to a professional can help you get back on track. Decide when you’re ready and when you feel like you have something specific that you can work through. Is it to vent, solve problems, work through a hard time or a challenging relationship? Knowing what you need or want from a therapist can help start the conversation off right.

Theresa Nguyen

+ Why do you think so many people are averse to medication and therapy?

It’s scary to make the decision to start taking meds or go to therapy. Maybe it’s the fear of what it actually means to do these things or the fear that it might not work. Or fear of what happens when we take that leap. Making change happen is hard. It’s ok to be tentative about these decisions. The real question is whether you’re going to make any leap at all to feel better.

Theresa Nguyen

+ How has being a therapist helped you better understand how to communicate with friends and family?

As a therapist, I have learned so much about the key components of effective communication.

We are highly trained in non verbal communication, being able to actively listen, and show empathy and calmness.

In regards to communicating with family and friends, I have learned that communication is a two way process and it’s so important to be clear about the message you are trying to convey. I have also learned how to compromise and have more constructive conversations that are solution focused.

Nevertheless, although we are therapists, we are human first. Even with all of our training, we STILL make mistakes. However, we are well equipped with the tools and the awareness to find better ways to communicate.

Imani Tutt

+I've wanted to see a therapist for a while, but I'm afraid they're going to tell me what I already know. Is it still worth giving therapy a chance?

Yes, it’s definitely worth giving therapy a chance. Therapy is about the therapeutic relationship and connection. This is why people may be frustrated about the lack of change in their behaviors after reading a book or doing research. How many of us have looked on youtube for specific exercises to target certain muscles, areas of the body? Just as you may benefit from working with a trainer to guide and create a workout that caters to your needs, you may also benefit from the guidance of a therapist for your own mental health process.

Therapy is about catching and validating blind spots in a non judgmental space where you can feel safe to express your thoughts and feelings. It gives space to allow things to surface that may have been repressed. In therapy, you will “work out” specific “muscles” under the guidance of a mental health professional who you trust. This is why there is so much emphasis on finding the “right fit” when it comes to therapy. Therapists have different educational backgrounds, theoretical orientations, and areas of expertise. Everyone has different needs and wants and that is reflected in what they he/she/they may need from a therapist. Therapy, like the gym, can be a healing, sacred space if we allow it to be.

If you’re still afraid that your therapist will tell something you already know, let your therapist know how you’re feeling! The therapeutic relationship reenacts interactions that we have outside of the session room. Inform them that you are afraid that he/she/they may tell you what you already know. This is what therapy is for. Your therapist is not afraid of your feelings.

Kathryn Lee

+ It’s been nearly a month since my dad passed away. I’ve tried talking about it, but it makes me even more sad. What should I do?

You are likely still in the acute phase of grief where nothing but pain feels possible. Time does help with the healing process, as long as you’re allowing your feelings to flow. Since grief is essentially just love with nowhere to go, let your feelings out and eventually you will notice that the cup of your tears is less full. You will heal as you feel, so allow yourself to let the love you have toward your dad to be released through your sadness and memories of him will eventually surface that make you smile as well as cry.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ I lost a family member to coronavirus. How do I handle the feelings of loss?

I am so sorry for your loss. Feelings of loss are completely normal when someone you love dies, and probably compounded now because we’ve all lost so much given all that has changed because of the pandemic. Please give yourself permission to grieve and release your feelings physically, emotionally, and verbally. The fact that this happened in a time when you can’t be physically surrounded by others who also loved your family member makes the loss and potential feelings of isolation even more difficult to manage. Even though we’re practicing social distancing, you can still reach out for comfort from and offer comfort to others who are also suffering. Your relationship with your family member doesn’t really end, it just changes. Practice self-compassion, and allow a part of you to come alive in honor of the person you lost. The love continues as the pain eventually begins to fade, and something wonderful about the family member you lost will live on in you.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How do you explain boundaries to your parents? When I set boundaries with my dad, I feel like he hears it as an attack (rather than a way to make our relationship better).

Whether due to cultural or generational differences or a combination of both, boundaries can sometimes be perceived as selfish or a form of rejection. However, the truth is that setting boundaries allows you to have a healthy relationship with yourself and others; boundaries communicate to us and our loved ones our needs and limits.

Practically speaking, it can be helpful to offer alternatives when trying to set boundaries with your parents i.e “I can’t speak with you right now, but I can give you a call later in the week when I’m free.” In addition, highlighting potential positive outcomes, such as reduced conflict and improved communication, can be helpful in conveying that setting boundaries is best for the relationship.

Remember that setting boundaries is integral to any healthy relationship. Boundaries are not only a form of self-care but also how others can love and care for you in the most intimate, respectful way. Model this in your conversation and approach it with empathy, understanding, patience, and a genuine desire for positive change in your relationship with your parents.

Kathryn Lee

+ How do I tell a friend that I think they need professional help?

What a good friend you must be to be asking that question in the first place! The answer is simple. Do so gently and lovingly. Use I-statements to let your friend know that you care, you’re concerned, you want them to be healthy and happy, and ask them what you can do to help. You might also want to start by asking if they’re open to hearing what you think. Just focus on the process and not the outcome. Remind yourself that all you can do is your best to invite the change you’re hoping for them to make and even if they’re not ready to seek professional help now, your words may come back to them when they’re open to take that step.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ My abandonment issues seem to be the root of a lot of problems in my relationship. What are some ways I can heal?

Abandonment and rejection are painful experiences that can linger and affect your relationships with those who have never abandoned or rejected you. Oftentimes abandonment signifies a loss in your life, which can trigger a sense of grief and longing. To heal, allow yourself to feel your emotions and take the time and space you need to understand your grief and longing while also practicing self-compassion. If you feel secure enough to share and discuss your experiences of abandonment and its impact with your partner, allow them to hear about it. Healing doesn’t have to happen in silo, and a supportive and loving partner can be a significant force of healing and transformation in your journey!

Kimmy Wu

+ I have a tough relationship with my family, but I feel like I need to spend time with them over the holidays. What would you recommend to get through Christmas?

Familial relationships are nuanced and can be difficult to navigate. A valid sense of guilt may stem from a strong feeling of responsibility to spend time with family members, especially over the holidays. While setting strong and kind boundaries for yourself and others can be complicated, it is incredibly important to maintaining a safe dynamic for all. With that, as you reflect on your boundaries, consider asking yourself the following:

1. What kind of affection will you accept or give to others?
2. Are you feeling pressured to participate in activities but want no part of them?
3. How do you intend to relate to your family members’ feelings?
4. Are you feeling pressured to celebrate even if you aren’t in a place to do so?
5. What are your morals and values, and what will you do if someone you love does not share the same ones?

Kimmy Wu

+ I’m being bullied at school. What should I do?

There are lots of ways to handle bullying. Tell them assertively to stop it, walk away, laugh it off and stay away from groups where the bully tends to hang out. If you’ve already tried to deal with a bully directly but the behavior has continued, tell a trusted authority figure at school and tell your parents. Beyond and above all else, do not take anything the bully says or does personally because it’s not about you — it’s about them. People who feel good about themselves don’t bully other people but hurt people hurt people so remember it’s actually their problem and not yours.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How do you help a friend living with Bipolar Disorder?

Offer an ear and full-hearted acceptance. Listen if they’d like to talk. It can be difficult to know how to help a friend deal with an issue you’ve never experienced personally, but everyone has felt scared or sad or angry, which is what they’re likely feeling, too. Ask them how you can help and reassure them that you care so they feel supported and you get to feel good about helping your friend.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ My friend keeps joking about depression. How do I tell them I have it and to please stop?

It feels like there are two main issues here. First, for whatever reason, your friend may have a certain lack of sensitivity to the struggle that is depression. It also sounds like you don’t feel seen by your friend. Both can be painful. I think you can address both by sharing your own experience with depression with your friend.

What would it be like to tell your friend that you live with depression and what that’s like for you? And what questions might you ask your friend about what they know (or don’t know) about depression? Maybe they have their own fears about it and use humor as a way of dealing with that fear.

Making it an inquiry and conversation and sharing with them your own experience and how what they say affects you, might be a great way to start.

Aimee Falchuk

+ My parents don’t believe me when I say I’m depressed. How should I deal with this?

It’s probably scary for them to think their child is struggling with depression and frustrating for you not to feel heard or understood by them. You can certainly give your parents some reading material from a reputable source concerning depression, symptoms, and recommended treatment strategies. If they’re still not open to the idea, you can also seek treatment on your own and invite them into the process when you feel ready so your therapist can help them understand you better and learn what they can do to support you more.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ My family would rather pray instead of getting me medication or therapy. What should I do?

You can let them know you appreciate the prayers and respect their belief system, but believe you need some additional, professional help. It might be possible to get faith-based counseling if you would like to start there. If you’re 18 or over, you can seek treatment on your own, which will be completely confidential. Otherwise, each state has different rules regarding parental consent. The difficult decision will then be whether or not to let your family know or simply to take that step on your own. You can maintain your privacy or say you know they want you to be healthy and happy even if they disagree with the means you’re choosing to help you feel better, so you’d like them to respect your choice as much as you respect theirs.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How can I help my conservative parents come to terms with the fact that I’m gay?

Be patient and give them a chance to get used to what you’ve known for a while. They will likely have an emotional reaction and will need time to address their own feelings before they can understand yours. Let them know you’re still you and you still love them. You may feel like the roles have been reversed and you’re the parent because you know more about this than they do. It might help to refer them to books or resources like “This Is A Book For Parents of Gay Kids” and you can offer to answer their questions when they’re ready to ask. Most importantly, remember that judgment is just misdirected fear, and love is the antidote to both.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ Can my abusive husband change?

Without more information, it’s difficult to say if your husband is likely to change. Has he acknowledged responsibility for his behavior and taken any proactive steps to address and remedy his abusive behavior? It is unlikely that someone with longstanding patterns of abuse can change without professional help and if the behavior goes untreated it is likely to progress in frequency and severity, affecting you and any children you may have. The good news is that you recognize the problem and you can change, and if you change, it will change. It is crucial that you have a place to be safe. Please make contact with a domestic violence agency in your community who can help you protect yourself and your family with information, support, treatment, shelter, and help.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ What do I do if I feel like I'm giving more to a friendship than I'm getting?

Strong friendships thrive off of reciprocal communication, time and effort — a foundation of mutual support and equal reciprocation. However, when a friendship starts to feel one sided, it can be extremely frustrating, confusing and hurtful.

Friendships take on various different forms, but when a friendship starts to feel one sided it can feel unbalanced. One person feels like they are giving way more than the other. If a friendship is lacking emotional support, empathy, vulnerability, it can start to feel emotionally draining.

When you feel a friendship is one sided, you don’t have to give up entirely. It may be time to reevaluate the friendship and consider all factors. It may be helpful to have a conversation with your friend about how their behavior affects you using “I” statements. Ex: “I feel sad when I feel like I’m the only one reaching out/making plans for us to spend time together, it makes me feel like I am losing your friendship. I’m wondering if we can find a solution that works for the both of us.”

This encourages your friend to validate your experience and share their thoughts. Nevertheless, if you’ve expressed your concern to your friend multiple times and see no change, it’s imperative to stand firm in your boundaries, let them know you can no longer participate in a one sided friendship and go where your needs are being met.

Imani Tutt

+ I told my mom that I'm struggling with my mental health and she doesn't believe me and won't get me help. What can I do?

I can only imagine how hard it must be to want to confide in your parents that you are struggling with your mental health and constantly being invalidated and dismissed.

It is painful when you are seeking validation and support from your loved ones and it seems as if they are just unable to give it to you.

It can be really difficult for our parents to understand the depth of how serious mental health is. Depending on cultural perspectives, parents may sometimes have their own viewpoints around stigma, denial that mental health is serious, and the fear of the unknown about something they cannot see. This resistance may lead to them genuinely not knowing how to respond in a way that is affirming and empathetic to you.

One of the most important things to remember is that your mental health comes first, always. You deserve help and you deserve support regardless of how your parents choose to respond. If you have tried speaking to your mom directly, it may be helpful to share some resources with her. Highlight the sections that resonate with you so she can see how much this really has an impact on you.

Ex: “Mom, it’s been very hard to stay motivated because I have been feeling so hopeless all the time. That’s why I want to talk to someone and get some extra support. I’m wondering if we could read this article together on ________ and talk about it afterwards."

If that does not help, speaking with a trusted friend or family member may be helpful. Having a strong support system goes a long way and they can help advocate for you.

If you have a trusted teacher, coach or counselor, ask to speak to them in private, they aren’t required to report back to your parents unless you are in danger, harming yourself or others. If you do not have access to a therapist, you can seek support online from the following websites:

https://teenlineonline.org

https://www.supportgroupscentral.com

https://giveusthefloor.org

Imani Tutt

+ What are some good ways to talk to your parents about their own mental health when you see them struggling?

It can be really difficult to talk to your parents about their mental health. Most of our parents grew up in an era where mental health was frowned upon, “not real” or “something you’ll get over”. This belief is so deeply ingrained that it can be extremely difficult to find the right approach, followed by the fear of your parents taking your experience of them offensively.

One of the ways to approach your parents is writing down what you would like to say. Share what your personal experience with them has been as you've watched them struggle with their mental illness.

After you write out what you would like to say, prepare for how they might react. Sometimes we can say something with the purest intentions, but we have no control on how the other person receives the message.

If talking to them the best way you know how does not help, try reaching out to other family members or friends for support.

Imani Tutt

+ How can I move on from a breakup in a healthy way?

Breakups are tough, and everyone experiences breakups differently. Often individuals feel the urge to “get over '' their former partner and give the impression that they are doing well and moving forward with their lives. They may continue to stay in contact with their former partner and not allow themselves to truly process the relationship.

If you want to move forward in a healthy way, give yourself time, space and both physical and emotional distance. You might feel the urge to “get over” your former partner as soon as possible, but know that the only way out is through. Whenever we are in something, it’s hard for us to see the bigger picture. In giving yourself time and space, you are giving yourself permission and the opportunity to see the bigger picture and hopefully gain some clarity on why the relationship did not work out. Allow yourself to be confused, angry, sad, hurt. Embrace the feelings now; if you don’t address it now it will likely come up later. This can be one of the greatest acts of self love and respect post breakup.

In addition, keep yourself busy and participate in activities and hobbies that you enjoy. Reconnect with yourself and nourish your body, mind, and soul. Make sure to stick to your routine: sleep, rest, hydrate, eat, exercise and maintain your own personal hygiene. Use this time to ground yourself in your intrinsic worth, beliefs, and values.

Most importantly, lean into your support network. Community is so crucial to the healing process. Talk to your loved ones and friends! Allow yourself to receive support and to gain insight on the relationship through a different lens.

Remember, the only way out is through. Envision the version of you that is waiting for you on the other side of healing.

Kathryn Lee

+ I've been using dating apps, but the rejection and ghosting are taking such a toll on me. How can I continue dating healthily?

Navigating rejection and ghosting in the world of dating apps can be emotionally challenging and draining. Rejection and ghosting can trigger attachment wounds and fears of abandonment; it can make you feel that you are not enough, “too much,” unlovable and/or unworthy of love. Processing and healing from attachment wounds and fears, while uncomfortable, can help you not only to date healthily, but also to create the foundation of a healthy relationship. While you cannot control other people’s actions or feelings, you can choose to take care of yourself, understand your own behaviors, and to respond to situations in a healthy manner. Remember that you are only responsible for your mental health! If using dating apps becomes too overwhelming, know that it is okay to take regular breaks or change your approach to dating.

That being said, here are some practical tips and reminders to consider as you move forward!

1. Not every interaction will result in a connection, and that is absolutely okay. Unfortunately, dating apps have made it easy for people to ghost, and ghosting will likely continue to be a part of the dating app process.
2. Celebrate positive dating experiences, even if they don't lead to a long-term connection!
3. Practice open communication with your dates. While this may not ensure that you will get the response you want, it can reduce the likelihood of ghosting.

You will not be compatible with everyone, and that is okay. Dating is a process, and an opportunity to learn more about another person and you.

At the end of the day, rejection sucks and hurts. Seek support from friends and/or a therapist, practice self compassion, pursue your hobbies/interests, and practice mindfulness.

Kathryn Lee

+ I’m Afro-Latina and I feel left out of my Black community because I don’t look like them. What can I do to feel included?

It's important to understand that being African-American and being of Latinx descent are not the same, and because anti-blackness is prominent in many Latinx communities, Black people are often on guard with walls up due to constant experiences of racial trauma from PoC, and therefore, it can leave folks with Black heritage feeling excluded from the movement. It's going to be your job to continue to show up anyway. This is not about inclusivity, it's about recognizing the symptoms of racial trauma, and when a group of people is constantly traumatized due to the color of their skin, it's important to recognize the privileges you may hold, especially when you say "I don't look like them." Do the work of understanding issues like colorism in the Black and Latinx community, while also understanding the privileges you might have when you can identify as Black but in the same breath say, I don't look Black. Also, what does blackness mean to you? Is it a culture that you can put on and take off, or is it an everyday experience? You are who you are, and there is space for you to hold both your Black and Latin heritage, but it's also important to educate yourself on the divide within these two communities, and lean in, support, amplify and continue to show up for black people all year round.

Minaa B.

+ As a Black girl, why do I feel so powerless even with the protests and people fighting for change?

Because Black people are constantly bearing the responsibility of trying to change a system they never created in the first place. White supremacy is exhausting, and it's also very daunting in this country, however, we as Black people still harness the power and ability to create change in this country, we just have to know where to start. A lot of the time when we feel powerless it's because we are trying to tackle too many things at once, or we are trying to tackle things that are out of our control. Start where you are, with what you know and what you have. For example, you might not be able to change your organization’s approach on how to dismantle systemic racism, but you can bring change by having conversations with co-workers, making suggestions on where to start, and challenging racist ideologies. You also even have the power to choose where you devote your time, effort, and energy and can consider if this place of work is where you want to continue to invest in. When we feel powerless, we have to ask ourselves, what am I trying to take on right now? Is it something out of my control? If so, I will continue to feel hopeless and powerless. Write down the areas in your life where you do have control over and start there.

Minaa B.

+ Is it okay to be relieved that people are fighting for us Black people, even if some of it is violent?

Our history is rooted in violence. America has always been violent toward Black people, and that even includes Black children. White America needed video footage of violence taking place against a Black person before they finally uttered a word about racism in this country and the fact that Black lives actually do matter. Violence has a way of forcing shut eyes open. So is your relief valid? Yes, rest in it.

Minaa B.

+ What are some self-care tips for people protesting and fighting for racial justice?

Rest, take a nap, drink water, disconnect from social media, stop having conversations with people who are determined to remain racist, eat a whole meal, go for a walk and get some Vitamin D, do reflective journal writing, remind yourself that you cannot control other people's behaviors, take a day or a week off from work, watch your favorite show, connect with nature, do things that bring you joy. Self-care is vital right now for the Black community and there are many ways to take care of yourself during this time. We must remember that we are fighting to change a system that we didn't create, and because of that this work is exhausting, so get the rest that you need. Take care of yourself.

Minaa B.

+ I’m overwhelmed by white people reaching out and asking how they can help. How do I tell them to give me space?

This is an important time to implement boundaries. Boundaries look like telling white people, "I don't want to have this conversation right now." Or, "I can't teach or educate you on this topic, but I encourage you to google the questions that you are asking me." Or, "Thanks for reaching out, the best way you can help is by giving me space. I don't have the emotional capacity to engage in these types of conversations right now." Make your boundary clear and known, and don't feel the urge to over-explain yourself. What you need and want for your peace of mind is valid, and must be respected. If people cannot hold space for this boundary, I encourage you to take whatever measures you feel you may need to take to have your space be honored and held sacred.

Minaa B.

+ How do I deal with the sudden overflow of racism and negativity as an Asian American?

First, I am so sorry if you are experiencing any kind of discrimination at this time — or any other time. It is truly awful. It's quite amazing what happens to people when they become afraid. Fear narrows our focus and thinking. It limits our focus to what is safe and what is a threat. It often puts us in a state of otherness, where ‘others’ becomes a threat to our survival. Fear may elicit a need to blame someone or some group of people. Such scapegoating is a sort of out-sourcing, a way to not have to take responsibility for our own feelings, especially feelings of powerlessness. ‘If I can make it about you — the other — then I don’t have to feel my own feelings about what is happening and acknowledge my part in co-creating it, allowing for it to happen or solving for it.’ How do you deal with it? First and foremost, trust in your goodness and the goodness of your heritage. Know that the projection of fear onto you is not your doing nor your responsibility to fix. Feel the love and support of those around you and find ways to set firm boundaries with those who bring such negativity towards you. If you feel physically unsafe you may need to contact your local authorities.

Aimee Falchuk

+ I think I’m transgender but I’m so scared that people won’t accept me or believe me. What should I do?

It takes a lot of courage to explore your gender identity, so be patient with yourself as you learn to know and lovingly accept who you really are. Identity is fluid and gender isn’t binary, so there are no hard lines, which sometimes makes self-definition even harder.

It can help a great deal to talk with other trans people who have been through the same process and are open to helping others along the way.

When you’re ready to share, if others react negatively, you can refer them to reliable outside sources of information and remember their reaction may not be because they’re judging, but because they’re scared for you, so be patient with them as well as yourself.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ How can I help my conservative parents come to terms with the fact that I’m gay?

Be patient and give them a chance to get used to what you’ve known for a while. They will likely have an emotional reaction and will need time to address their own feelings before they can understand yours. Let them know you’re still you and you still love them. You may feel like the roles have been reversed and you’re the parent because you know more about this than they do. It might help to refer them to books or resources like “This Is A Book For Parents of Gay Kids” and you can offer to answer their questions when they’re ready to ask. Most importantly, remember that judgment is just misdirected fear, and love is the antidote to both.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ I’m stuck at home with my family, and they aren’t supportive of my sexuality. Do you have any tips for how to get through this?

It's important to remember that living in your truth will often anger, disappoint and evoke feelings in others that are not your responsibility. This is time to practice self-care, self-acknowledgement and enforcing boundaries with others. This is also going to be a time to tap into courage in order to protect yourself and your mental health.

We can do this by enforcing rule on what is and is off topic, use journal practices to write your thoughts when you feel overwhelmed, create a well-plan that includes people you can reach out to when you need to talk, places you go for walks to remove yourself from the toxic environment and If you are experience any form of violence in response to your sexuality you can call your local authorities.

Minaa B.

+ Am I required to put a label on my sexuality? I don’t like to call myself anything but I feel pressure to give people an answer. Any advice?

I can only imagine how difficult that must be. Feeling pressured to pick a sexual identity when you don’t feel comfortable calling yourself anything.

Remember, you are not required to put a label on your sexuality. It is totally okay to not feel the need to tie yourself to any label. We can feel so much pressure from society to conform to other people’s expectations of who we should be and end up denying ourselves of who we truly are.

Our identities are ever changing and when it is all said and done, you are the author of whatever you gravitate towards. What matters the most is that you are choosing to live a healthy and fulfilling life on your own terms, by your own rules.

Imani Tutt

+ I am having a hard time silencing the doomsday fears. Any suggestions?

First, it makes sense that you might have these fears. And yet the fact that you ask the question tells me that you know it doesn’t have to be this way — at least not all the time. There is a lot of uncertainty and unforeseen change at this time and uncertainty and change often breed fear. Fear can make us collapse, deny, control or panic. It can make us feel helpless. But we don’t have to feel helpless. We can empower ourselves by choosing to take some full and deep breaths and connecting to the ground. When we are afraid we tend to hold our breath — all the energy moves up into our heads where our thoughts – often distorted — run wild. When the energy goes up we can feel disconnected from the ground that supports us. This has the effect of making us feel more afraid. So find ways to breathe and to ground.

You can also empower yourself by tracking and expressing the feeling in your body. Observe how you feel in your body and in your emotions. Move, make sound, stomp your feet, scream out “I don’t like this!” Let the energy move. When we feel fear we have a tendency to hold on tight or freeze. Movement allows for feeling and feeling can allow for greater understanding or awareness, which can help us come to greater acceptance of what is.

You can empower yourself by getting curious about uncertainty and change. What is it that feels so doomsday and scary about change? Get to know your relationship with change and uncertainty. What do you imagine it to mean? If uncertainty and change were a character in a story how would you describe it? Is it devilish? Is it here to trick you? Is it a messenger with an important message? Is it a gift? Get creative about it.

Lastly, see if you can become a compassionate observer of the part of you that has the doomsday fears. Maybe ask it some questions. Ask it “what are you so afraid of?” “What is it about what’s going on that scares you so?” “Is there any other possibility here?” Treat that part of you like you would any scared child. Be real and reassuring.

Aimee Falchuk

+ What do you suggest for addressing or lessening obsessive thought patterns in this isolated time?

It’s important not to reinforce obsessive thought patterns with compulsive behaviors. You will likely feel anxious if you don’t reinforce the obsessive thoughts, but you can distract yourself and mitigate negative thought patterns with healthy behaviors and activities like physical exercise, mindfulness and meditation. Since anxiety and anger are sometimes opposite sides of the same coin, identify and express any anger you might be feeling in a constructive way, like journaling or talking through how you’re feeling with a friend. Reaching out to others will also help you feel less isolated, so perhaps offer to help someone else in some way. Not wasting your energy on obsessing and instead focusing on constructive action will help to break the cycle and change the negative looping pattern into a positive one.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ I’m stuck at home with my family, and they aren’t supportive of my sexuality. Do you have any tips for how to get through this?

It's important to remember that living in your truth will often anger, disappoint and evoke feelings in others that are not your responsibility. This is time to practice self-care, self-acknowledgement and enforcing boundaries with others. This is also going to be a time to tap into courage in order to protect yourself and your mental health.

We can do this by enforcing rule on what is and is off topic, use journal practices to write your thoughts when you feel overwhelmed, create a well-plan that includes people you can reach out to when you need to talk, places you go for walks to remove yourself from the toxic environment and If you are experience any form of violence in response to your sexuality you can call your local authorities.

Minaa B.

+ Hanging out with my friends helps my mental health. What do I do now that I can’t see them?

Physical distancing doesn’t mean social disconnect. And in some ways, as our world slows down a bit, social connection may be better — deeper and more genuine — than it was before. People may be less distracted and more present for connection. If you have access to technology that allows for it, keep seeing them! Set up daily or weekly check-ins with each other. You can also be creative in how you use the time. You can even exercise and watch movies or TV shows together (remotely of course). When your friends aren’t available to connect, see if there are things you can do on your own that remind you that you aren’t alone in this world. That you belong and are part of something grand. These things can include reading or writing about a subject that interests you, joining online groups or classes or listening to music. Connect to the things that have meaning for you and remind you that life is still here and meaningful. This is also a profound way to further build on our own internal resources. That feels very important.

Aimee Falchuk

+ I want to follow the news but I feel like my anxiety is getting worse everyday. What should I do?

I might suggest you limit your news viewing. Perhaps identify for yourself what basic information you feel like you need to know each day and then limit your viewing to that. Then do something that feels more nourishing. Read, write or draw. Play a game. Meditate. Move your body. Make contact with someone. Get some fresh air. Be with your feelings.

Sometimes behaviors can become compulsions — as a way to manage feelings we don’t know how to be with. Tuning into your body and your feelings and then taking care of them in different — less anxiety producing ways — is perhaps the task here. So for example, maybe watching the news feeds the need to feel some semblance of control by knowing exactly what is going on. The task here may be to help yourself tolerate loss of control.

Find ways to be with the truth that the only thing you may have control over is your own internal experience. Turn the focus away from the TV and inward towards your own feelings. Build that muscle of tolerating not having to know — and always having control. You may actually find some freedom in that!

Aimee Falchuk

+ I lost a family member to coronavirus. How do I handle the feelings of loss?

I am so sorry for your loss. Feelings of loss are completely normal when someone you love dies, and probably compounded now because we’ve all lost so much given all that has changed because of the pandemic. Please give yourself permission to grieve and release your feelings physically, emotionally, and verbally. The fact that this happened in a time when you can’t be physically surrounded by others who also loved your family member makes the loss and potential feelings of isolation even more difficult to manage. Even though we’re practicing social distancing, you can still reach out for comfort from and offer comfort to others who are also suffering. Since grief is just love with nowhere to go, your relationship with your family member doesn’t really end, it just changes. Practice self-compassion, and allow a part of you to come alive in honor of the person you lost. The love continues as the pain eventually begins to fade, and something wonderful about the family member you lost will live on in you.

Dr. Lynn Ianni

+ What’s the best way to support a stressed loved one who is on the front lines in the hospital?

Remind them they are loved and supported, that you are with them even from afar. Gently remind them to practice self-care whether it's staying hydrated, taking a minute for themselves or reaching out for support. Be there to listen but be patient with them if they don’t want to talk. We all have our own ways of managing stressful situations.

If it feels right and it is safe for you to do so, maybe offer to help out with those things that your loved one may be concerned about but not able to get to — like watering their plants or feeding their pet, etc.

If there is a way through your voice, be an activist to ensure front line workers get what they need by way of supplies and other necessary support.

Lastly, express gratitude for their service. You don’t need to make them heroes, for some on the front line can actually feel burdened by that label, but thank them for their willingness to stand on the front line and make the personal sacrifices they are making.

Aimee Falchuk

+ How do I find the motivation to get up every day and follow a routine when the whole world feels chaotic?

I want to start off by saying it's important to recognize what your desires are. Do you feel like you're supposed to be following a routine, or is this something that you naturally desire? This is a time to be gentle and compassionate toward yourself and there are no rules for how you spend your time at home. If a routine is what you desire, create a schedule but leave room for grace in case you don't end up following it. Pretend that you are getting up to go to work, or school, or to do whatever day-to-day activities you used to. Do the simple things like make your bed in the morning, put on lounge clothes you love and feel good, do your hair and even make-up if that's your thing. Find ways to connect with others through zoom calls or facetime and find interactive apps where you can play games and socialize with those who you would normally spend your time with but can't right now.

Minaa B.

+ How can I start to feel uplifted when nothing in the world is positive right now?

I guess my first question would be, is that really true? Is there nothing positive in the world right now? Just close your eyes and breathe into that question. Feel into what is true and not true about that belief. As for feeling uplifted, I might invite you to feel the humanity of this moment. We are all touched by this in some way. We are all being asked to be part of the solution. We are all being asked to be good neighbors and citizens. We are all in this together. Is there something about that which feels uplifting? I might also invite you to keep a gratitude list. Remind yourself on a daily basis of what you are grateful for — from the sun coming up in the morning. to a good cup of coffee, a song you love, a person in your life, for all the people trying to do their part and everything in between. Lastly, maybe the teaching for us in this moment is to not feel so good. There is much pain and suffering during this time and so much is changing at a rapid speed. That doesn’t always feel good. And that’s ok. Maybe putting pressure on yourself to ‘feel good’ is too much pressure — and not realistic. In our culture we think of things in terms of good and bad, happy or sad. We think we have to always be on the easier side of that coin but maybe the task here is to just find acceptance of what is — to be in the experience of what is — good or bad and become teachable in this place.

Aimee Falchuk