Why do I always cry on my birthday?
IT’S MY PARTY AND I’LL CRY [WHETHER OR NOT] I WANT TO
Estimated read time: 4 minutes
By Jackie Menjivar
(Annie Spratt / Unsplash)
Birthdays are weird because people approach them in such a huge range of ways. You might be all about an over-the-top birthday celebration that lasts the entire week. Or you could be the lowkey birthday person who keeps insisting that nobody make a big deal out of it, okay? (And sometimes…you feel like both at once.)
It might be because there’s something about birthdays that can bring out a bunch of conflicting feelings — excitement, dread, melancholy, gratitude, etc. It’s no surprise that for some folks, crying on your birthday is pretty much a yearly tradition along with the cake and candles.
It’s actually really common to cry on your birthday. Although knowing that may not make it any less mystifying. So if you’re wondering why your big day always ends up in waterworks, here’s what could be going on.
I always cry on my birthday. Why?
You’ve probably got a case of the birthday blues. These are some emotionally-loaded elements that can make your birthday cry-worthy:
High or unmet expectations. As much as some people might claim that birthdays don’t matter, the fact is that, culturally, they do tend to hold weight. Whether consciously or not, there might be pressure to have a perfect day and feel super special. So when things don’t go the way you wanted or imagined them to, it can lead to some pretty harsh disappointment.
Event-planning stress. When it comes to the actual logistics of planning, you might fall into one of two camps. You take it all on yourself and stress yourself out about every little detail and activity…or you let somebody else handle it but end up just as stressed because you don’t have control. You could end up juggling a lot even if you’re just going for the birthday basics, like buying a cake and wrangling friends and family. What you get is an emotional pressure cooker waiting to burst when things don’t go smoothly.
Social pressure. Besides the expectations for what you do on your birthday, there also might be some expectations for who will be there. You could be hoping to hear from a certain person, and feel disappointed when they don’t reach out. You might be bummed out about the amount of folks who ended up on your RSVP list. Or if you’re more introverted, you might even feel overwhelmed by the pressure to include everyone in your big day.
Getting older. Yeah, you’re technically getting older every single day, but your birthday is when you’re really conscious of that count going up. It might make you start thinking about all the stuff that comes along with aging — like changes to your health, appearance, ability, and even your own mortality. Even if you’re okay with the idea of getting older, there’s still the fear that other people will treat you differently (because ageism is definitely a thing).
Trauma and upbringing. Not everyone has good memories associated with birthdays. You may have gone through trauma or just some really negative experiences related to your birthday. Suddenly, you aren’t an adult crying on your perfectly fine birthday — you’re transported back to that little kid celebrating your birthday alone because nobody came to your party.
The passage of time. Your birthday can be a reminder that the Earth is indeed continuing its journey around the sun, and time is marching forward whether you feel ready for it or not. When you become acutely aware of the passage of time, you start to stress about the future or ruminate about the things you haven’t accomplished yet. Amid the cake and confetti, the back of your mind might be swirling with fears of change and failure.
Is it bad that I feel like crying on my birthday?
Not necessarily. You are definitely not alone if you cry on your birthday. And it’s completely understandable, for all the reasons we’ve talked about already. Remember that crying, in general, is also totally normal and okay — even when it seems to happen for no reason at all.
But if you find yourself feeling the “birthday blues'' well after (and/or before) your birthday, then there might be something else going on. You can take a free online mental health screening for some guidance there.
How can I avoid the birthday blues?
Reflect and practice gratitude. Instead of worrying about the future and all the stuff that hasn’t happened yet, try reflecting on all the great things that you’ve experienced so far. Journal or meditate on these questions:
Who did I meet this year? Who did I get closer to?
How have I changed in the past year? What things have I learned?
What are my favorite memories from this past year? What made them special?
What am I proud of accomplishing this past year?
Communicate your wants and needs. Are you the kind of person who tells your friends not to make a big deal out of your birthday…but then secretly hope that maybe they do anyway? It isn’t fair to set expectations for other people without communicating them ahead of time. They won’t know what you want unless you tell them, so be clear about the things you do and don’t want on your birthday. No need for disappointment if everyone’s on the same page.
Unlearn harmful ideas about birthdays. There are no hard and fast rules about what you should or shouldn’t be doing on your birthday. And your birthday isn’t a measure of how much someone loves you, or how valuable you are as a person. So take some time to really inspect and unpack those ideas you learned growing up or otherwise.
Protect your joy. It’s your birthday after all. So do what makes you comfortable, not what anyone expects you to do. What brings you joy? What makes you feel special? If that means a movie and takeout — cool! If it’s a plastic tiara and a night on the town — also cool! Keep the invite list limited to the people who you’ll actually enjoy being with, and don’t stress about capturing the perfect moment to post on social media (in fact, don’t even post at all).
Keep your expectations in check. Yeah, it’s your birthday, but remember that for everyone else, it’s just another day. It isn’t always realistic to expect the world to stop for you. People have jobs and relationships and commitments that have nothing to do with you — and that’s a good thing! It means you don’t have to feel responsible for every single action (or inaction) from them. They didn’t forget to send a birthday text at midnight because they don’t like you — they’ve probably just got something else going on (or let’s be honest, they’re probably asleep). Just communicate the things you want, keep your expectations realistic, and take it in stride if things don’t go perfectly.
Let yourself feel it. You know, there’s nothing inherently wrong about crying or being sad on your birthday, right? Instead of fighting against it, embrace it. Go into the day knowing that you might feel some kinda way, and give yourself permission to feel it (and maybe wear waterproof mascara). You could even give your loved ones a heads up that you might be feeling a little fragile — they’ll be more prepared to support you through whatever comes up.
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Even if you don’t go so far as to cry, it’s still common to feel some complicated feelings around your birthday. But ultimately, it is just a day, so treat those tough emotions like you would on any other day. Do what you do on a “normal” down day — feel, process, talk about it, and keep moving forward.
(Oh, and in case this is a timely read: happy birthday!)