How to stop avoidance coping

HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR COPING MECHANISMS ARE MORE HARMFUL THAN HELPFUL

Estimated read time: 4 minutes

By Jackie Menjivar

(Anastasia Lashkevich / Pexels)

Sometimes life drops challenges your way — those stressful, disappointing, or scary situations that throw you off balance. When those tough feelings hit you, you might look for any way to make the pain or discomfort go away.

There’s no shame in doing what you have to do to get through the day. But not all coping strategies are created equal, and some can end up doing more harm than good in the long run. 

If you’re feeling stuck in a constant cycle of distraction, or unable to face your problems head-on, it may be time to reevaluate the way you cope. Here’s what you need to know. 

What are coping skills? 

Coping skills are things you do to help you get through stressful situations and painful feelings. They can be problem-focused or emotion-focused.

Problem-focused coping tries to address the source of your stress directly. You might:

  • Remove the source of distress

  • Talk about it with someone you trust

  • Reframe how you think about the situation

Emotion-focused coping tries to soothe and manage your feelings rather than the situation itself. You might: 

  • Immerse yourself in a hobby

  • Treat yourself to something you enjoy

  • Direct your energy towards a different task

Is distraction a healthy way to cope?

Some emotion-focused coping skills try to distract you from the things that are stressing you out. They replace your negative feelings with positive ones by engaging in mood-boosting activities.

Distraction can be good in moderation. It’s hard to tackle a situation when you’re feeling overwhelmed with sadness or anger or grief. A little distraction can help you calm down and get the space you need to process the situation later. 

Plus, there are some circumstances that you just have no control over. You may not be able to change the thing that’s upsetting you — like a natural disaster or the death of a family pet. In those cases, you would prioritize self-soothing over problem-solving. 

When does distraction become harmful?

Distraction stops being helpful when it crosses over into avoidance. 

Distraction is a temporary break. It gives you relief in the short-term so that you feel empowered to address the situation in the long-term. It might even protect you from unhealthy alternatives like self-harm. 

For example: You and your partner break up. You spend a few days resting, watching your favorite shows, and cuddling with your pet. When you’re ready, you take time to reflect on the relationship, process your feelings of loss, and set some new goals as you move forward. 

Avoidance keeps you in a constant state of distraction so that you don't ever address the issue. The situation may keep getting worse in the process — or your coping strategies might actually be adding to the problem. Unhealthy distractions include drug/alcohol use, binge eating, overspending, and oversleeping. But even positive distractions can become harmful if you do them excessively to avoid actually facing your problems. 

For example: You and your partner break up. You throw yourself into personal fitness. You spend all your free time at the gym, and whenever your mind starts to think about them, you distract yourself by exercising. When that doesn’t work, you look for recipes that fit your new, restrictive diet. You can’t be sad if you’re sweating it out! 

How do I stop avoiding?

  • Learn to recognize it. Be mindful of your behavior and the impact it has on you. When you go to turn on Netflix or take another mid-day nap, ask yourself: What am I getting from this? How long does the relief last before I need another distraction? How often do I rely on this activity to ease my pain? 

  • Break the distraction cycle. Once you identify the things you do to avoid your distress, you can set limits on them. Give yourself a set amount of time for distraction — one episode of your favorite show, 20 minutes chatting with a friend, or a walk around the block and back. Then it’s time to sit with the problem for at least a little while. 

  • Try problem-focused coping. Focus on the things you can control, and run through your options for tackling them. What can you do to improve the situation even just a little bit? What skills can you build or information can you learn to feel more equipped to deal with it? What boundaries can you set to distance yourself from it? What new meaning can you find from it? 

  • Let yourself feel it. As scary as they may seem, the uncomfortable emotions will always pass eventually. Instead of resisting, learn to feel your feelings and then move on. A huge first step is just naming what you’re feeling and accepting it for what it is. (“I’m struggling with [xyz], and I feel [xyz]. I’ll feel better eventually, but right now I feel [xyz] and that’s okay.”)

  • Ask for help. If you’re feeling stuck, reach out to a friend or family member who you trust. You can ask them for advice on how to handle the situation, or just get emotional support for those painful feelings. Talking through the problem can be helpful for processing it (especially when you’re doing it with a trained mental health professional). 

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At their best, coping skills are there to protect you and help you along in your healing. Even the not-so-great ones serve a purpose. Just try to recognize when a strategy isn’t working in a healthy way for you anymore. 

If a situation feels beyond your ability to handle, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. For support at your fingertips, text IDM to 741741 to reach a trained crisis counselor at the Crisis Text Line, available 24/7. 

Self-CareKristina Benoist