Hey, Be Nicer To Yourself. Here's How.
YOU DESERVE SOME SELF-COMPASSION IN YOUR LIFE
Taking care of your mental health isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” situation. We all have to find what helps us work through our own individual struggles, but there’s one piece of advice we could all use right now:
Be nice to yourself.
Our brains are always looking for the negative in every situation, just waiting for the “fight or flight” to kick-in. Right now that negativity may feel more present than ever, with all the news and shared stress of the pandemic. You might be spending a lot of time battling self-criticism, and that means you’re probably not practicing a lot of self-compassion.
So, here’s the good news: you can rewire your brain. As you start bringing positive emotions into your life, the easier it is to feel that positivity automatically — and you can start to reverse that negative cycle.
With so much change in our lives already, trying something new and different may seem outside of your comfort zone right now. But being kind to yourself is worth it. It’s a nice thing to do for you.
The Basics of Self-Compassion
It’s not as hard as you may think. Actually, it couldn’t be more natural. You just need to reteach yourself how to be as nice to you as you are to other people.
Here are the basics of practicing self-compassion:
TREAT YOURSELF WITH KINDNESS
Would you ever talk to a friend the way that you talk to yourself? Probably not. With someone you love, you’d immediately comfort them without telling them to get over it or move on, right? You deserve that too! It’s also important to know and respond to your needs. That’s a way of treating yourself with kindness too.
WE ALL FEEL THINGS
We all feel happiness, sadness, anger — whatever emotion it is! When you’re feeling alone, remember that you’re also attached to a broader community of people that have experienced something similar. AKA… Lots of people have been here before, and we’re with you.
FOCUS ON YOU
This one is all about mindfulness. We know that word gets thrown around a lot, but how are you actually supposed to be more mindful? All it really means is you’re aware of and focusing on whatever you’re doing, thinking, and feeling. A lot of how we feel about ourselves is automatic, and we usually don’t even know we’re doing it. When you’re being mindful, it means you’re focusing a bit more on why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. It also means figuring out what you’re directing your attention to and how you’re paying attention to it. Are you doing it with acceptance, openness, curiosity? Or are you trying to force yourself to do better and punishing yourself when it feels like you aren’t? Once you start noticing those small things, your perspective starts to shift.
Self-Compassion Exercises
Now you get the basics of practicing self-compassion. But sometimes you have to work a little to get that positive-self talk going. Here are five different exercises you can try to start practicing self-compassion right now.
TREAT YOURSELF AS A FRIEND
How do you speak to a friend or family member? A lot of times, when we talk to ourselves, we say things that we would never say to another person. Pay attention to those things that you’re saying to yourself — especially when you’re having a hard time or you feel like you’ve made a mistake. Take a minute and actively think about how you would talk to a friend in the same situation. You probably wouldn’t say “you’re so stupid” and “you’re a failure, you should just give up.” So don’t say that to yourself! When you step back and look at your situation from an outside perspective, you’ll probably be a lot more gentle with yourself.
SUPPORTIVE TOUCH
This is a really powerful one. Your skin is incredibly sensitive, and physical touch actually releases oxytocin — making you feel calm and safe. One example of this involves focusing on your heart. So take a seat, put your hands over your heart, and just hold them there. Take a big inhale in and exhale out. Repeat the breaths a few times, and you’ll most likely start to feel better. It’s all about comforting yourself when you need it most.
TRY THE LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION
The Loving-Kindness meditation is an easy way to send some love to yourself and to feel connected to something bigger than yourself. Repeat this mantra — focusing on yourself first and extending to others in ever-widening circles: “May you be happy, may you be well, may you be safe or free from suffering and may you live with ease”. (Hint: Try holding your hands over your heart while you say those words to add in some supportive touch too!)
WRITE A LETTER TO YOURSELF
This is an easy way to reflect on the things that are causing you stress, and give yourself another chance to be nice to yourself. Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving friend or family member. This can be really helpful when you’re really stuck on a certain feeling. It forces you to ask yourself, “How would I talk to somebody that’s struggling with this in a loving and supportive way?” Writing it out gives you a chance to read it, reflect on it, and respond to it as if a friend is speaking to you.
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK
We’re all living in a time of so much change and uncertainty, and a self-compassion break can really come in handy right now. It can be hard to catch ourselves in the middle of negative self-talk and instantly shift to something more positive, so try scheduling a self-compassion break into your day so you can begin to put it into practice. Take a few minutes (maybe twice a day) and repeat this mantra to yourself:
This is a moment of suffering, suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment, and may I give myself the compassion that I need.
That’s it! Pretty soon you’ll start to believe your own words — just keep at it.
What Self-Compassion Isn’t
One important thing to know: self-compassion isn’t self-pity — and it definitely isn’t just pushing all of the negativity out of your thoughts and denying that you feel the way that you feel. It’s about acknowledging the challenging things that are happening and recognizing the fact that it’s challenging.
It’s also not about good or bad, and successful or unsuccessful. Instead, it’s about focusing on moving forward in a positive way and being more supportive of yourself in those moments. Remind yourself that there will still be moments where you do really well. And there are going to be times where you don’t do as well — it doesn’t automatically define who you are as a person, either way.
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This article was adapted from the webinar Practicing Self-Compassion from Mental Health America. If you want to learn more about self-compassion, all of this information can be found at the hub of self-compassion resources, compiled by an expert on the subject, Kristin Neff, Ph.D.