My family doesn’t understand my mental health condition. What now?
WHETHER YOU WANT A CONVERSATION OR JUST TO SURVIVE, HERE’S HOW TO LIVE WITH FAMILY THAT JUST DOESN’T GET IT.
By Jackie Menjivar
(Joshua Rawson-Harris / Unsplash)
With every generation, awareness and understanding around mental health increases. That’s good news for the future of mental health, but it also means that some folks (like parents or older family members) may be a little behind in recognizing the role that mental health plays in all of our lives.
This is especially hard when you live with a mental health condition and feel like you’re up against a chronic illness and an unsupportive family. Maybe your family doesn’t know about your mental health condition — or they might deny that mental illness is even real.
It can be such a tough topic to bring up, but if you want to start the conversation, we have some tips about talking to your family about your mental health. Or if your situation is different, we also have a few thoughts on coping when your family just doesn’t understand.
How do I talk to my family about my mental health?
FIGURE OUT YOUR GOAL
There’s probably a reason why you’ve decided to bring this up to your family in the first place, and that should guide the conversation. Do you need their help to find and receive treatment? Do you want their emotional support and understanding? Are you trying to set new boundaries related to your mental health? Do you just want to get it off your chest and live more authentically around them?
Before you head into a conversation with someone about your mental health, it might be helpful to write everything down. Use this template as a letter, email, text, or even as a script when you talk in-person — whatever you need it to be.
GET SOMEONE ON YOUR SIDE
It’s likely that, among your family members, there’s a range of beliefs, understanding, and empathy. Find the person you trust the most, and reach out to them first. That way, you can practice with someone who feels “safe,” and possibly even recruit them to help you broach the subject with the rest of your family. If you don't have a person like that in your family, you can talk it out with a friend, teacher, or someone else you trust instead.
KEEP IT SIMPLE
This might be the first time your family has really heard about these topics, so try to make it as digestible as possible. For example, instead of leading with a formal diagnosis, try framing the conversation through the actual symptoms that you’re experiencing. Telling them you have obsessive-compulsive disorder may not be as easy to understand as explaining your intrusive thoughts and rituals you do to relieve them. When in doubt, stick to two things: what you’re feeling and how they can help.
FIND COMMON GROUND
Understand where your family is coming from, and use that to connect with them. Maybe mental illness isn’t as understood within your culture. In which case, there are tons of culturally-affirming mental health resources out there to help bridge the gap.
Or maybe your family is very religious and unsure how mental health fits within that belief system. You can find resources that integrate mental health within Islamic, Christian, Jewish, or other religious contexts.
PREPARE FOR DEFENSIVENESS
Some mental health conditions may actually run in your family. Be prepared if your relatives aren’t ready to face that reality, or recognize signs of it within themselves. Be patient and compassionate in explaining that it isn’t a moral failing to struggle with mental health.
Your family may also get defensive because they feel like you’re placing blame on them (“Why are you depressed when I’ve given you a good life? Am I not a good enough parent?”). Show appreciation for the role they play in your life, explain the complex nature of mental health conditions, and let them know how they can continue to help you.
SHARE RESOURCES
Unfortunately, sometimes your family needs more than just personal experiences to really understand what you’re going through. Find reputable resources that will help validate what you’re saying. A great place to start is the results of a free, online mental health screening from Mental Health America.
MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
You have to go into this conversation prepared for any outcome, including ones where they still don’t totally grasp your point of view. Take any victory you can, no matter how small. Maybe this is just the beginning of their journey, and you’ve given them something new to think about. And at the end of the day, you don’t have to convince them of anything. The focus should be on you and your recovery.
How do I cope when my family doesn’t understand my mental health?
TAKE THE NEXT STEP YOURSELF
You don’t need your family’s understanding or acceptance in order to heal. So take the next step in your recovery, with or without their approval. There are affordable therapy options out there if you don’t have financial support, and tons of free, online resources (including the IDONTMIND Journal and MHA screenings).
SET BOUNDARIES
If your family isn’t going to help your recovery, then they definitely shouldn’t be hindering it either. Know when to take a step back and set some limits. That may mean that you don’t engage in certain conversations or limit what you share with them. Learn to set boundaries and break dysfunctional patterns with family members.
FIND SUPPORT SOMEWHERE ELSE
Whether it’s friends, a therapist, or a peer support group, find the people who you can talk to openly about your mental health. You deserve a space to express yourself without judgment. If you’re struggling to find that space, you can always try journaling or writing letters about it (which you don’t have to actually send).
BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE
While it would be nice to have that external support from your family, you can still find (and build!) the strength you need internally. What do you wish your family would say to you? Say it to yourself instead. Praise, encourage, soothe, and reassure yourself through positive self-talk.
REFLECT AND REFRAME
Part of that positive self-talk piece is reframing the way you think about your situation. Instead of dwelling on the lack of support from your family, focus on your own strength and resilience. You are courageous, and they are afraid. You’re bringing up uncomfortable emotions because you’re breaking generational and cultural curses, and that isn’t easy. Be patient, be proud, and keep living courageously.
—
Mental illness is not Santa Claus or the tooth fairy. It’s not something you “believe” in. It’s not up for debate. It’s a reality for millions of people, including yourself — whether your family accepts it or not. They can either be a part of your mental health journey, or watch you succeed without them.