A Guide To Setting Boundaries

7  THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU CREATE A HEALTHY BOUNDARY WITH SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE

By Kristina Benoist

Luís Eusébio / Unsplash

“Boundaries” is one of those mental health buzzwords that’s becoming more and more common. Setting boundaries can sound like you’re prepping for emotional war or you’re getting ready for combat with your feelings. But it’s much less intimidating than that and actually quite comforting and helpful. When you’re setting boundaries, it means that you’re sticking up for yourself, your needs, and your mental health. It gives you freedom to say no if you need to, without feeling guilty. It also means noticing patterns in your emotions with specific people and situations and figuring out when you need to step back and recharge. 

You can set boundaries that ask people to respect your time, your emotions, your things, your other relationships, your health, your opinions — there are a lot of different forms. Boundaries can sound like, “it makes me uncomfortable when we discuss this, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t bring it up” or “when I talk about my feelings with you and you question them, it makes me shut down. I am only going to share with you from now on if you can listen and respond respectfully.”

As you’re reading this, you may already have a few relationships that you have in mind that may need some boundaries put in place. Just remember, it’s normal and healthy to set up boundaries with people in your life, and you’re entitled to creating them in order to protect your mental health. But how do you actually make it happen without hurting someone’s feelings or hurting your mental health? Here’s our guide to setting up a healthy boundary.

Figure out what isn’t working

Is there something that makes you feel sad, frustrated, anxious, or uncomfortable every time you spend time with them? It’s important to take some time to get to the heart of what you truly need from another person in order to have a healthy relationship. Let’s say that every time you see your parents, they end up talking to you about your relationship with your significant other — and it leaves you feeling angry every time. Think about it first and really nail down what exactly needs to change in your relationship. Do you need to say that topic is totally off-limits, or just let them know that it makes you feel uncomfortable and they need to speak about it respectfully? (Hint: when you take the time to think about things first, the words can be spoken to them with kindness, rather than negativity or resentment.) 

Understand your role in the relationship

Now this one is tough. It’s easy to look at what someone else needs to be doing to make a relationship work, but it’s important to look at what you can be doing too. Before you start setting up boundaries, consider the role you play in the relationship. Make sure you’re doing what you can to have a healthy relationship, and not pushing the responsibility entirely on the other person. Once you understand what you are (or aren’t) doing in a relationship, you can understand how you may need to change too. Just remember, no one’s perfect. You’re changing and growing all the time, and it’s okay if you’ve made mistakes in the past. 

Don’t apologize for setting a boundary

You’re not being dramatic or rude when you ask for what you need! Read that again if you need to. When you’re establishing boundaries, you’re laying the groundwork for healthier, longer-lasting relationships. It’s easy to feel apologetic or guilty, but you’re doing what’s best for you and for the person that you love — even if that isn’t apparent immediately. 

Mentally prepare for the conversation

Remember, you don’t need to feel guilty or fearful about setting a boundary! But you may need to prepare for a tough conversation. It can be helpful to plan out or write down what you’re going to say. When you finally sit down with someone, it’s only fair to the other person that you fully explain what you’re feeling and what led you to realize boundaries were necessary. Then you can go into what you will no longer allow. That way they have a little bit of context and can truly understand where you’re coming from. 

Try not to place blame on the other person

The whole point of boundaries is to strengthen a relationship, so it’s important to phrase things by saying “I feel” rather than “you make me feel.” Everyone experiences situations in different ways, and when you focus on “I statements,” the conversation feels a little more compassionate, rather than alienating the person or placing blame. 

Hold that person accountable

This may be the most difficult part about setting boundaries — actually holding someone to them. Once you have the conversation, it’s okay to point out when someone does or says something that crosses your boundaries. Remind them that there are consequences when they don’t respect what you need. Boundaries are only effective if you’re willing to distance yourself from the person who doesn’t respect them.

Understand that a  boundary may not solve everything

Unfortunately, there are some situations where setting boundaries is not enough in a toxic relationship, and that’s not your fault. If you’re constantly recognizing that your boundaries aren’t being respected and there are bigger issues than you realize, it may be time to let go of that relationship. Here are a few tips to make that process easier.