Cutting a person out of your life who’s negatively impacting your mental health is crucial for good self-care. But how do we do this?

First, think about what, if anything, you need to say to this person before you cut ties. Many of us assume that it’s helpful to tell a toxic person the “truth” about how their behavior has impacted us. But, before speaking, we need to examine our goal. Do we imagine that the person will change? Often, the person’s inability to take in our perspective is the reason we want to end the relationship. In such a case, confronting the person may do more harm than good. This doesn’t mean that you should avoid your feelings around ending the relationship. But there are ways that you can feel your feelings without confronting the object of your distress. You can write a letter that you don’t mail or journal about your experience. You can talk to a friend or therapist. No matter which approach you choose, it’s important to allow yourself to experience all of your emotions related to this ending, both good and bad.

If it’s not always necessary to confront the person, then what? Often, it makes sense to simply change the dynamic. For example, you don’t need to check in with someone that you want to cut out of your life. Although this sounds obvious, it can be difficult because we often feel obligated to check in with people from our past. Remember that you’re not obligated to stay connected to people who do not enhance your life. If such a person pursues you, you can politely put them off by stating that you’re busy right now. While not the most honest approach, this statement might be enough to convey that you’re not interested in maintaining the relationship. If this isn’t an option, setting boundaries around the amount of time that you give this person can be a good first step in cutting ties. A five minute call that you end can feel very different from an hour long call that they end by saying that they have to go. By setting boundaries, we make a strong statement about what we are willing to tolerate. When toxic people don’t get what they want from us, they often retreat.

If you decide that you need to tell the person that you are done with the relationship, it is best to use simple “I statements” when explaining yourself. Saying something like “I need to focus on my own mental health right now and part of that involves stepping back from our relationship” is an honest statement that is not likely to make the other person feel defensive. Speaking your truth in this simple way can lead to a sense of empowerment and agency, which are both important to optimal mental health.

Felicia Falchuk