Work in progress - IDONTMIND

A STORY TOLD IN POETRY

By Jo Oluwatosin

poem 1

alone with my tears

one minute, I am laughing on the phone with my sister about something I cannot remember anymore

the next minute, I utter an “I’ll talk to you later” and the wells of water start streaming down my eyes

I feel trapped, crouched at the corner of the room and all the bad memories start to play like an old movie in my head

that I cannot escape or outrun

no matter how much progress, how much distance I have covered,

I teleport back to the start

experience it like it was yesterday

like I never left

my memories haunt me over and over again

no matter how much therapy

medications

holistic living

I still feel like my mind is racing

gasping for air

begging

pleading

just to catch up with everyone else

to be “normal”

but I feel like I am running towards playing a part

the part of the “normal” girl

unconsciously embodying her

til it doesn’t feel like acting and it's all too real

and too hard

and existing

breathing oxygen

is too much for me

til there is too much in my lungs

and I am stopped in my tracks

never ending trauma!

I just want to escape my brain

Am I too broken to love?

how good of an actor am I to play the part of healthy

pretend that the people I trust don’t hurt me

didn’t hurt me

pretend like I’m confident in my body

and I’m confident in my skin

at peace

pretend I can rely on people

like I want to be alive

and everything is spinning

and I just want it to stop

burden no one but yourself

cry yourself to sleep

stare at your semi colon tattoo

it gets better in the morning

bad day, not bad life

but multiple bad days can tell you lies and confuse an already disillusioned mind begging for an escape from the prison of her mind.

[...]

poem 2

when you try your hardest to ignore something

a feeling

it controls you

i miss her

I miss her so much

the only person who knows the trauma side of me

she saw me break apart and collapse

she saw me build myself back up and fall again

to think I almost lost her

she almost took those pills

she held on for my graduation

she held on for me

I was begging

pleading

crying

hold on for me

if there is no one or nothing or no moment keeping you on this earth

hold on for me

for me to give you a big hug

and spend the whole day talking about nothing and everything

I don’t remember who I was before my trauma

I don’t recognize my reflection in the mirror

I miss stability in my life

maybe I need to be the city girl

or lay by the beach while time passes me by

I don’t know

I don’t care

I just want to be happy

around the people I love.

[...]

poem 3

time is moving too fast

slow down

pump the brakes for a while

let me experience joy for more than a second

maybe I’m too present

maybe I soak in too much joy

I let excitement get the best of me

because when the lows happen

I feel it to its entirety

because I know what joy feels like

I know what it's like to be so in the moment

you never want it to end

crying intensely on the living room floor

I have never felt so alone in my entire life

supposedly the happiest time of my life

tainted by change

tainted by loss

tainted by my vulnerability

my words like medusa

they turn to stone after each syllable

[...]

poem 4

hiba azeem wrote in “i love you”

that her life goal

her dream

is to be a wife and mother

and I couldn’t grasp how a dream could be that simple

but I’m slowly starting to realize and understand

how powerful love truly is

how transformative it is

we all think we are so special and so unique

but we’re all the same

we all want to be loved

stuck in our childhood minds

the good, bad, and beautiful

the trauma

the need to give the trauma meaning and purpose

instead of realizing it was just trauma

it was never supposed to happen to you

and move on

my goal, my dream, everything I want to encapsulate is love!

I want to love

and be loved

I want union

and legacy

peace and consistency

but I don't want regular love

I want a love that puts all my past love to shame

I want a love like never before

I want a love so valuable, I cannot afford to lose

and when I look back on it

I am grateful to have experienced a transcendent phenomena

to love and be loved by me.

[...]

poem 5

writing is my therapy

one more poem

I tell myself

as a new idea pops up

or life decides to throw me a curveball

these poems are my imagination

my empathy

my consciousness and unconsciousness on paper

as you have read[listened to] these poems

you have gained a part of me

but it still feels incomplete

it will always be incomplete

because i am a work in progress

and this is not the end of my story.

“My name is Jo and these poems will give you a little bit of descriptive insight into what it's like to live with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, premenstrual dysphoric depression, anxiety disorder, with a little sprinkle of attention deficit/ hyperactivity disorder while also trying to survive my twenties literarily and the journey to recovery.”

This piece was written and shared during the IDONTMIND Writing Workshop. Learn more about our free, nine-week course and be the first to know about the next workshop here. Visit Mental Health Connecticut’s YouTube channel for a video version of Jo’s story.