Learning to love yourself can be one of the most difficult but rewarding endeavors of your life. First, it is important to recognize what is getting in the way. Oftentimes, we have negative narratives about ourselves that play over and over in our heads like a recording. These automatic thoughts often include statements like “I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too fat, too ugly, too skinny for anyone to really like me, let alone love me.” These narratives often date back to early childhood. When our early caregivers are unable or unwilling to meet our emotional needs, we deny or diminish these needs so that our caregivers don’t abandon us. It’s not rational, but it’s what we do to stay alive. On top of that, when difficult things happen to us during these years, it is always safer to blame ourselves than to blame others. These negative narratives often are born out of these experiences and become the fuel and the limiting factor of our lives.

So, what can we do to change them and find self-love. First, we need to remember that just because we think something doesn’t make it true. Putting some space between ourselves and our thoughts is the first step in halting these limiting thought patterns. Mindfulness techniques, including simple breathing exercises, where you practice noticing your thoughts without judgment can be a great first step in changing these negative stories.

In addition, many of my clients find it helpful to reconnect with that younger part of themselves that carry the burden of that negative narrative. Oftentimes, I ask them to share a childhood picture with me, asking them how they feel towards that young one. By looking directly into the eyes of their younger selves, they can easily see how undeserved they were of these labels they have carried with them for so long. They can feel loving towards that child, and in turn, start to generate feelings of love for their adult selves.
Another technique I use with a client who is working on discovering self-love is to ask them what they would tell a beloved friend or family member who was struggling to feel worthy of love. Often it is easy to see the distortions in our narratives when we are imagining that we are talking about someone else.

How do we know that we actually love ourselves? Like happiness, I don’t believe feeling self-love is something that we can strive to achieve as a permanent state. Rather, it is a willingness to see ourselves as good and deserving. Cultivating self love and compassion means treating ourselves as though we already do. Some days are easier than others. But the process of cultivating self-love can be reflected in the people we surround ourselves with and the choices we make to prioritize our health and well being. Recognizing and honoring the importance of your mental health and relationships, can be signs that you are on the right track to experiencing the self-love you have always deserved.

Felicia Falchuk