How do I balance the idea that "feelings aren’t facts" with the belief that "your feelings are valid"?

This is a very good question that highlights the prevalent way we have conflated feelings with thoughts. As a society, we often use the phrase "I feel" without actually identifying feelings. Think about it. We say, "I feel like you don't appreciate me. I feel I am constantly working. I feel that my friend is avoiding me." None of these statements are actually expressing how we feel. Rather, they're expressing thoughts we have about ourselves and our situation. "I think you don't appreciate me and I feel hurt. I find myself constantly working and I feel helpless. I believe my friend is avoiding me and I feel upset and lonely." You see the difference?

When we begin to distinguish thoughts from feelings, we realize that our feelings often come from the thoughts we have. If you think you are not appreciated, of course you are going to feel hurt. If you believe your friend is avoiding you, of course you are going to feel resentful or lonely. This is why "your feelings are valid": because they are responses to the ideas you have. Now, are the thoughts we have always true? Probably not. How many times have you misinterpreted someone's actions or had an assumption that turned out to be false? In this way, "our thoughts aren't facts" but our "feelings are valid." Understanding this relationship between how we think and what we feel will allow you to embrace both concepts.

Josiah Teng