Sometimes the only way out is through
“Some of the mental health challenges I experienced as a college student and athlete”
By Jeff Pollard
(Steve Johnson / Pexels)
First, I’d like to share a quote by Brandon Marshall in his op-ed from The Player’s Tribune: “When I first heard the term ‘mental health,’ the first thing that came to mind was mental toughness. Masking pain. Hiding it. Keeping it inside. That had been embedded in me since I was a kid. Never show weakness. Suck it up. Play through it. Live through it.”
Now, for a small part of my journey… Nothing about my four-year stint as an undergrad was an easy process.
College was a few hours away from home. Three of my best friends from high school went to Western Maryland with me, but they didn’t stay in school, so by my sophomore year, I had a whole new friend group.
I loved hanging out with all of my friends and have no complaints about any of them, or my high school friends. Everyone takes the path that is best for them.
Then, starting in my sophomore year, things started to go downhill. I lost my great grandmother first and saw her lifeless upstairs on the living room couch. Then I lost my aunt, my grandfather, and my uncle, who I also saw lifeless upstairs, in this very house. Then… my step-father passed away. Losing him hit me the hardest out of all these deaths, as he left behind three little kids that are all my siblings, two girls, and a boy. Worrying about them, how my mom was doing, and ultimately how I was doing, was pushing every limit I’ve ever experienced.
At the same time, my main coping mechanism, playing football, faded away…..I had dedicated six years of my life to football. But, during my sophomore year of college, I decided I needed to quit for my mental and physical health. It was during spring ball, which is one of the most challenging times for any college athlete. There was no way I could continue playing the sport. I had fallen out of love.
An ACL reconstruction, caused by a full, non-contact, ligament tear on Senior Night, in late 2014 led me to redshirt my first year of college, which was 2015. The previous fall, I had made it about six games into the season. Practice consisted of routine drills that never caused me many problems. That day, I remember seeing all white while doing an offensive lineman bag drill. I stopped and went immediately to the trainer… I thought I was going to pass out, or worse.
I have always struggled with anxiety, but I had recently begun having heart palpitations and because of my substance use off the field, I was too fearful to mention it to any parent, coach, or doctor.
There are still days when my health anxiety makes me feel like I am going to pass out, die, have a seizure, or something else. To this – I’m not sure why. This is something I was working on with a therapist before I lost health insurance. I have never in my life passed out or had a seizure, but I have seen both happen, which is why I believe I feel this way.
Sadly, when I spoke to my coach after intensive doctor, cardiologist, and primary care visits, including countless EKGs, heart rate monitors, etc., and let him know that all test results showed I was fine. He said firmly in his southern accent, “I knew nothing was wrong with your heart, you pussy.” This devastated me. I never developed a good relationship with any of the coaches, but I definitely did not deserve that treatment. When I quit, I had no remorse. It just hurt to know I would never again get to play the game.
After quitting, I continued to mask my feelings through substance abuse. Drinking and marijuana were the main part of my favorite self-care routine, with other substances mixed in frequently.
This obviously did not help the heart palpitations or my mental health conditions. Everything continued to get worse. I did not realize I needed help until after graduation. Going to see therapists and talking about my feelings was one of the best things I have ever done. I highly recommend everyone try and find the best way to care for their mental health, whether it’s therapy, peer support, yoga, exercise, or all of it combined as I try to do.
If I could offer any advice, it would be to reach out for help as soon as you can. There is no need to mask through self-medication, you do not need to blame yourself for family passing away, nor should you have to constantly continue feeling anxious or depressed, when help IS available.
If it weren’t for the hard work and therapy I have done, I would not be where I am today. I would not have been able to graduate with a master’s of science and land a job in my field, where I can make sure others have the resources to strengthen their mental wellbeing. I wouldn’t have the ability to help my mom pay the water bill and send my little siblings to camps that will help them grow. These things are what is important to me, and I want this for everyone, to be at peace, and have the ability to continue growing.
This piece was written and shared during the IDONTMIND Writing Workshop. Learn more about our free, nine-week course and be the first to know about the next workshop here. Visit Mental Health Connecticut’s YouTube channel for a video version of Jeff’s story.
Jeff Pollard holds a master's of science in Human Services Administration through the University of Baltimore and Coppin State University. He is a mental health advocate that loves working with vulnerable populations to ensure that they can thrive. His passion for writing helps him cope with his own lived experience and he plans to continue writing more as time goes on!
