Why do I need constant reassurance that they still love me?
THEY STILL LOVE YOU EVEN IF THEY’RE NOT AROUND TO TELL YOU
(Mathias Reding / Unsplash)
Have you ever played peek-a-boo with a baby? You cover your face with your hands, and then they seem genuinely surprised when you come out from behind them. That’s because it takes a while for babies to learn this thing called “object permanence” — if they can’t see it, it doesn’t exist anymore.
There’s a similar thing that happens with emotional security, where you learn that those feelings don’t disappear just because you can’t sense them. But while you probably got a handle on object permanence by the time you were a toddler, emotional permanence is something you might struggle with well into adulthood.
Maybe you feel really connected to your partner when you’re with them, but the minute they’re not by your side, you start to doubt whether they even like you. It might be time to build up your emotional permanence — here’s how.
What is emotional permanence?
Emotional permanence is the ability to feel loved, secure, and connected to your relationships even when there’s distance. That distance could be physical (they aren’t literally by your side) or emotional (they’re upset with you). You still trust in your bond with them, even if they aren’t actively telling you that they care. This is also sometimes called “object constancy.”
People who struggle with emotional permanence have a hard time feeling secure in their relationships if there’s distance or conflict. It’s especially common for people with certain mental health conditions like anxiety and borderline personality disorder.
What does emotional impermanence look like?
You need a lot of reassurance. You’re constantly asking if they still like you or whether they’re losing feelings for you. And even when they tell you what you’re looking for, you still don’t quite believe them.
You can’t handle ambiguity. You need to be absolutely certain about every situation — including your loved one’s mood. They’re either happy or upset with you, and you don’t do well with the shades in between.
What you feel right now overrides everything. Whether it’s in your mood or your relationship, when things are good, you can’t remember the bad. But when things are bad, you can’t remember the good either.
You have trouble regulating your emotions. When you feel things, you feel them hard. It’s difficult for you to pull yourself out of those intense moods, and it feels all-consuming.
You don’t do well with conflict. Every conflict feels like a threat to your relationship and sense of safety, so you avoid it at all cost. When your loved one is upset with you, it’s hard for you to trust that they still love you.
How do you build emotional permanence?
Learn your triggers. Your fear of abandonment probably doesn’t come out of nowhere (even if sometimes it feels like it does). Maybe it’s triggered when your partner doesn’t text you back immediately, or when you notice that they’re being kind of quiet. Your triggers might not even have anything to do with them and more to do with your past trauma — like if you had a neglectful caregiver who would suddenly go silent. Learn to recognize the things that set off your “they-totally-hate-me” alarms, so you can anticipate and address them.
Talk back to the negative thoughts. So you’ve been triggered, and your brain is starting to race with self-doubt and anxiety. It’s time to have a chat with your inner pessimist. Even if it feels like empty words at first, it’ll help you start to disrupt those thoughts before they can cement themselves into core beliefs. Here are some affirmations you might find helpful:
“This isn’t a break up, it’s a conflict. We don’t have to always agree on everything.”
“They are an honest and trustworthy person. If their feelings for me have changed, they would tell me.”
“They are frustrated with me, and they still love me. Both can be true at once. Our bond is stronger than this one misstep.”
“They still love me even though we’re apart. I know this firsthand because I still love them even if they aren’t here with me.”
“They are allowed to be angry or sad. Not every feeling they have is about me, and I don’t need to take it personally.”
Reset and then reflect. Sometimes when you’re feeling really triggered, things like positive self-talk and meditation are easier said than done. When you get overwhelmed by your emotions, just focus on breaking the anxiety cycle first — the rest can come later. Reset yourself with one of these methods for getting out of your head and back in the moment. Once you’ve grounded yourself, you can do the work of reflecting and reframing.
Communicate with your loved one. A good foundation for emotional permanence is a healthy and secure relationship. You’re always going to struggle with emotional security if your partner is constantly withholding their feelings, judging you, or going back on their word. Even if there aren’t any major red flags in your relationship, take some time to get on the same page about giving and receiving affection:
When do you feel most secure in your relationship? When do you feel insecure?
What makes you feel loved? What is your love language?
How do you show your love for them? How do they show it to you?
Build up your sense of self. When your relationship seems like the biggest piece of your life, the thought of losing it will feel devastating, and that just ramps up the anxiety. Work on feeling secure and complete within yourself, and you’ll end up feeling more secure in your relationships, too. Practice being alone, and start exploring new hobbies, interests, and places. Try to find things that make your heart happy all on your own.
Find a support system. A therapist can help you work through your abandonment fears and relationship anxiety — they might even be able to help you identify where they come from and the larger patterns in your life. If individual therapy isn’t your deal, a support group or peer space could also be helpful.
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You aren’t a failure if you have trouble with emotional permanence. A lot of the time, it’s something that comes from experience — like unstable relationships, absent caregivers, and other interpersonal trauma.
Despite it all, you still deserve stability and love. And just because you can’t feel it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.