What is “trauma dumping” and what are some healthier alternatives?

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VENTING AND TRAUMA DUMPING IS ALL ABOUT CONSENT AND INTENTION

By Jackie Menjivar

(Jamie Street / Unsplash)

It feels like every other week or so there’s new mental health jargon making the rounds on social media — words like “toxic” or “gaslighting.” Lately, the term “trauma dumping” has been in the spotlight, thanks in part to this viral tiktok, where a therapist complains about her clients wanting to “trauma dump [during their] first session.” And of course, the internet had jokes. 

But the whole thing did leave a lot of folks scratching their heads with questions they were maybe too afraid to ask. What is trauma dumping?  Where’s the line between trauma dumping and just plain venting? Is it possible to trauma dump on your therapist? (Spoiler: Nope, it’s literally their job.) 

In case all this discourse has got you worried that you’re accidentally crossing some boundaries, we’re going to set the record straight. Here’s what you need to know about trauma dumping, including what it is, when it’s a problem, and how you can stop it. 

What is trauma dumping? 

Trauma dumping (also referred to as “emotional dumping” or just “dumping”) is when a person overshares their painful experiences with an unsuspecting person to get sympathy or validation. Venting crosses into trauma dumping territory when it becomes harmful to the person listening. 

To be clear, sharing your experiences doesn't always equal trauma dumping. Put simply, the distinction is with consent, awareness, intention, and frequency. When you trauma dump, you’re:

  • Doing it without warning or checking in with the other person first

  • Taking up a lot of their time and overwhelming them with information

  • Not open to their feedback or perspective on the situation — just their sympathy

Trauma dumping also usually means a lack of reciprocation. If you’re always unloading on someone, but you never ask them how they’re doing, and they never open up to you, then that may be a sign of a one-sided relationship — which is okay if it’s your therapist! 

Is there a healthy way to vent about negative emotions? 

Yes! Talking about your mental health is so important, and it’s not shameful to reach out when you’re struggling. If you need support, please ask for it! Just make sure you’re doing it in a way that’s respectful of the person supporting you, keeping in mind their own mental health needs. 

When you vent to someone in a healthy way, you are: 

  • Conscious of the other person’s emotional capacity. You ask them if they’re willing to talk to you about something negative that you’re struggling with, and you’re sure that the subject won’t be triggering to them. 

  • Respectful of their time. You talk to them when they’re available, and you keep what you have to say concise and to the point. 

  • Talking about just one subject. You speak about a specific experience rather than overwhelming them with multiple issues.

  • Taking accountability. You recognize your role in the situation, and you don’t blame others for your mistakes. 

  • Open to feedback and solutions. You welcome alternative points of view on the situation, and you’re willing to reframe your understanding of the issue.

  • Ultimately trying to cope. Your goal is to process your negative feelings and overcome what you’ve experienced in a healthy way.

Am I a bad person for trauma dumping? 

Not necessarily! When you experience a traumatic or painful experience, the urge to release that pain and feel heard by other people is totally understandable. You may not even be totally aware that you’re doing it. But it is important to recognize when you’re pushing people away with your oversharing — or even actively harming their own mental health. Just take accountability and work on improving your coping strategies in the future. 

Not sure whether you’ve been trauma dumping or not? You can always ask! 

“Hey, could you let me know if I ever cross a line when I’m venting to you about stuff? I want to respect your boundaries, and I know it isn’t your responsibility to take on my trauma. If our conversation becomes too much for you, feel free to let me know.”

Can you trauma dump on a therapist?  

No! A big part of trauma dumping is doing it unsolicited to a person who wasn’t expecting it. A therapist is a professional who you specifically work with to process your emotions and experiences. They should expect you to unload your emotional baggage on them because they’re literally trained (and paid!) to listen.

How can I avoid trauma dumping on friends and family? 

HAVING HEALTHY CONVERSATIONS

When you just need to get something off of your chest, you can still do it in a way that’s healthy and helpful. Here are some things to consider: 

  • Set a time limit for your conversation. You don’t want to take up their entire afternoon. Pick an amount of time to talk through the situation, and stick with it. 

  • Recall the last time you talked to them about this same subject. If it was recent, have you reframed the situation since the last time you spoke? Have you taken any action? If your answers are no, then you may want to rethink reaching out. 

  • Go in with a goal. Do you want to get their feedback on the situation? Do you want to process what just happened and figure out a way forward? 

  • Reach out in the appropriate way. Ask for what you want and gauge whether they’re in a place (physically, mentally, emotionally) to take on that request. Give them the space to say no!

“Hey, I’ve been struggling with something difficult that happened to me lately, and I could really use somebody to talk to about it. Do you have the time and emotional space to listen right now?”

ALTERNATIVE STRATEGIES

Instead of turning to other people, try a different strategy to cope with difficult emotions. 

  • Journal. When you just need to get it all out, write it down! It gives those thoughts a place to go, and your journal won’t ever complain about hearing the same topics over and over again. 

  • Find a mantra. If verbal affirmation is what you’re looking for, you can give yourself that validation. Try to think of what you’d want to hear from someone else after telling them about your experiences, and repeat it to yourself instead. 

  • Own your feelings. Before you start word-vomiting at someone else, take some time to go inward and really understand and cope with your feelings. 

  • Seek professional help.The support of our friends and family can only get us so far. Know when it’s time to find a therapist or other mental health professional to help you process what you’re going through.

TraumaKristina Benoist