5 ways to gently redirect self-deprecating humor from your friends

BECAUSE OUR FRIENDS SHOULDN’T ALWAYS BE THE PUNCHLINE

By Jackie Menjivar

(Le Tan / Unsplash)

Do you know someone who’s constantly making fun of themselves? When it comes to self-deprecating humor, the line between what’s healthy and unhealthy can feel blurry. But the difference is actually pretty clear. You’re not laughing when your friend calls themselves a loser for the tenth time this week. It’s not funny when your sister jokes about how bad she looks every time she steps in front of a mirror. 

If your friends’ jokes are starting to fall flat and their negative self-talk is becoming a habit, then it’s probably going too far. The way they talk about themselves has a huge impact on their mental health — even if it’s hidden under smiles, laughs, or the occasional meme.  

Let’s not normalize harmful thoughts from our friends. Here’s how we disrupt them instead. 

Push back.

Sometimes the best approach is the most direct. Don’t enable them with a pity laugh. Instead, tell them when they’re being harsh to themselves, and let them know that it’s hard to hear.

  • “I know you’re joking, but that’s not true.”

  • “I hope you know that you aren’t actually a loser.”

  • “It makes me uncomfortable when you joke like that.” 

Keep it positive.

It can feel easier to point out the bad things about ourselves than the good things. Give your friend a reminder about the things that make them great. 

  • “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re like the smartest person I know.”

  • “I actually think you look really pretty today. Your smile is radiant.” 

  • “You might not feel like it right now, but you’re genuinely so talented.” 

Ask questions.

When self-deprecating humor becomes a habit, they may not even realize how cruel they’re being to themselves. Ask them some questions to really get them thinking about what they just said (and why!). 

  • “Why are you being so hard on yourself?”

  • “Would you say that about a friend?”

  • “How would you feel if someone else said that about you?”

Keep it small-scale.

Humor and exaggeration go hand-in-hand. Bring your friend back down to reality by reminding them what’s actually going on. Make sure you’re still validating the way they feel, without feeding into their magnification of the problem. 

  • “Not having a date to one dance doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. There are gonna be more dances, and you’ll still have fun.” 

  • “You aren’t an idiot — you just got this one thing wrong. We all make mistakes sometimes.” 

  • “You missed that shot, but you played well the rest of the game. I promise the whole team doesn’t hate you.” 

Show your support. 

When the jokes start to feel more frequent or intense, you may get the feeling that something deeper is going on. Pull your friend aside and check in with them about what has been happening. If it feels appropriate, you could recommend some mental health resources. 

  • “You’ve been joking about this a lot. Do you wanna talk about anything?”

  • “I’ve noticed you’ve been really hard on yourself lately. How can I help you be kinder to yourself?”

  • “You know I’m here for you. If you’ve been struggling with anything, I’d love to help.”

—

When your friends can’t find the words to be kind to themselves, it’s time to step in and remind them of their worth. Together, we can quiet the inner critics and encourage healthier patterns of thinking. 

RelationshipsKristina Benoist