When can having things under control go too far?

By Dineka Ringling

Independence is generally seen as a good thing in modern society. The ability to stand on your own, make autonomous decisions, and achieve personal goals is undoubtedly an admirable trait. But when can that go too far? If you consistently take on too much responsibility, have difficulty delegating projects, and have a general mistrust of other people, you could be dealing with the consequences of hyper-independence.

Hyper-independence is a trauma response that makes people think that they have to make decisions and accomplish things without help from other people. Although young people are often encouraged to be independent, hyper-independence is the extreme of that, according to Mental Health Specialist Taylor Gaffney. Hyper-independence can arise if your parents consistently didn’t meet your childhood needs, or if your parents expected you to care for them instead of caring for you (something called parentification).

So what are the symptoms of hyper-independence? They include:

Taking on too much responsibility
Difficulty delegating
Mistrust of others
Difficulty with neediness
Few close or long-term relationships

What can be done about it? Does anything need to be done about it?

If you’re hyper-independent, you might be wondering if there’s really anything wrong with it. People who are hyper-independent are usually productive members of society, though it may come at the cost of their mental health and relationships. Tackling an issue like hyper-independence may sound daunting, but there are easy and actionable steps you can take to get started.

1. Acknowledge the Issue

Recognize that hyper-independence might be affecting your life negatively and be willing to address it.

2. Seek Therapy

Consider individual or group therapy to explore and process any underlying trauma or emotional issues. According to Gaffney, “The most important thing when dealing with hyper-independence is healing from the root or underlying cause (typically childhood trauma). Hyper-independence is caused by prolonged or acute trauma, so processing and working through those traumas is extremely important in learning to rely on others and trust that other people can support you.”

3. Practice Self-Care

Engage in self-care activities like meditation, relaxation, exercise, journaling, and pursuing hobbies to reconnect with yourself. These types of self-care and therapeutic practices can help you manage some of the symptoms that stem from traumatic experiences, start to process the trauma you’ve experienced, and work through it.

4. Build Trust

Gradually learn to trust others by starting with a therapist or a trusted friend. Learning to express your thoughts and feelings to a trusted person can help you learn to combat some of those feelings of not being able to trust or rely on other people. Some people find it easier to open up to a therapist rather than a peer at first, and that’s completely valid. Your therapist can be a safe and trusted person who will help you grow more comfortable in talking to other people in your life.

5. Set Boundaries

Establish healthy boundaries to prevent overcommitting and taking on too much responsibility. Not sure where to start? Read our Guide to Setting Boundaries.

6. Delegate

Practice delegating tasks and responsibilities to others, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Your therapist can help you practice if you’re not comfortable delegating to your family or peers at first.

7. Cultivate Relationships

Work on developing meaningful and lasting connections with people who genuinely care about your well-being.

8. Self-Reflection

Regularly reflect on your progress and assess how your behaviors are changing over time. Journaling can be a great way to keep track of how much progress you’ve made.

9. Be Patient

Understand that breaking free from hyper-independence is a gradual process, and it's okay to seek professional help when needed.

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If you’re worried about the effects of trauma and hyper-independence in your life, take a mental health screen and reach out to a medical professional.

The connection between trauma and hyper-independence