WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES A PERSON TOXIC, AND HOW DO YOU MANAGE THESE RELATIONSHIPS?

By Alyssa Goldberg

You’re scrolling on TikTok and stumble across a creator venting about a toxic ex or an old best friend that always left them feeling drained. While you’re listening, something stands out that reminds you of one of your own relationships. The doomed question races your mind, “Is this person toxic too?”

Though social media may help raise a red flag, it can also present misinformation or a skewed perspective of healthy versus unhealthy relationships. The term “toxic” has become increasingly trendy over the past few years, but its overuse on social media can sometimes result in oversimplifying or misidentifying signs of an actually toxic person.

There are many indicators of a toxic person, and learning how to recognize them is the first step in mending or ending unhealthy relationships.

What are the main signs that a friend or partner is toxic?

LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY

Toxic people often “struggle to emotionally regulate themselves and are highly dependent on their partner for emotional support & validation,” according to therapist Tiara Armstrong. They may isolate their partner, often responding with anger when their partner attempts to spend time with other people and participate in activities without them. Toxic people may also “lack accountability for how their thoughts, words, and/or behaviors may impact others and are often resistant to acknowledging this or making any changes,” Armstrong said.

In the early stages of a friendship or relationship, it may be difficult to notice the warning signs. Subtle red flags, like controlling what you wear or who you hang out with, “sometimes start out gradually,” according to therapist Shannon Vigil. “But as time goes on, it starts to intensify.”

PASSIVE AGGRESSION

According to Vigil, passive aggressive comments can also be a form of emotional abuse. “Even small jokes can be passive aggressive, especially if you don't feel like it's funny,” Vigil said.

Walking on eggshells

A toxic person will leave your energy feeling drained, Vigil added. You may feel that you’re “walking on eggshells, like you can’t do the things you want to do,” she said.

BREAKING BOUNDARIES AND GASLIGHTING

“When working with clients on relationship dynamics one of the first things I have them do is establish what I like to call non-negotiable boundaries,” Armstrong shared. “These boundaries are a foundation for setting expectations in any type of relationship around a person’s core values, needs, and how they desire to feel & be treated in their relationships.”

These non-negotiable boundaries may be continually disrespected and belittled by toxic people. A toxic person may also gaslight their friend or partner to minimize their experience to make them “feel crazy” and question the validity of their wants and needs.

When is it time to end a toxic friendship or relationship?

Though toxic relationships are often thought to be mainly with a romantic partner, friends and family can be toxic too. “Toxic friendships are absolutely just as harmful as toxic romantic relationships,” Armstrong said. “Any dynamic where the aforementioned signs are present, that feels one sided, and/or a person’s boundaries are being violated and needs aren’t being met could be considered unhealthy or toxic.”

It’s natural to want to mend a toxic friendship or relationship to avoid losing a person you care about, but if you feel like a relationship is one-sided or unsafe, it may be time to end it.

“A toxic relationship is no longer worth saving when a person is unwilling to acknowledge or accept that their behavior has negative impacts on their relationships and also have no interest in or make an effort to change it,” Armstrong said. “This definitely applies to folks who double down on the ‘that’s just the way I am’ narrative. And at the end of the day if a person doesn’t see an issue with their way of thinking, speaking, or behaving they simply will not attempt to make any changes for the better.”

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Leaving a toxic relationship or friendship can be extremely difficult — sometimes even more so than detecting it in the first place. For more support on navigating abusive relationships, visit One Love and the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

How do you know if someone is bad for your mental health?