SPOILER ALERT: THEY PROBABLY DON’T

By Jackie Menjivar

All it takes is a slight change in tone or a longer pause in a conversation with someone, and suddenly you’re running through all the reasons why this person might be upset with you. It may even feel like everyone hates you. Plenty of us have been there.

Chances are you didn’t actually say or do anything wrong. But the feeling is common, especially if you struggle with anxiety and low self-esteem. Before you let yourself spiral too far, take a step back and do these things.

Look for the facts.

Remember that you’re looking for the facts of the situation and not your interpretation of them. Get specific. “Nobody is talking to me,” isn’t as helpful as, “I texted three of my friends, and they haven’t responded after an hour.”

Try to find evidence that supports what you’re feeling (everyone hates you). Then, look for evidence that shows the opposite (everyone doesn’t hate you). Make a list for each and compare the two. Which one seems most likely?

Your lists may look like this:

Evidence they hate me:

My friends went out to lunch today, and they didn’t invite me.

Evidence they don’t hate me:

I hung out with my friends earlier this week, and I had a good time.
There haven’t been any changes in the way my friends communicate with me. We’ve been texting regularly like we normally do.
No one has said anything about being upset with me.
I have plans to meet up with my friends next week.

Recognize irrational thoughts.

A cognitive distortion is an inaccurate pattern of thinking that isn’t based in reality. It usually causes you to interpret things in a negative way. These are some common cognitive distortions that you should look out for.

Mind reading. You assume you know what other people are thinking or feeling.
Ignoring the positive. You only focus on negative experiences and don’t acknowledge the positive ones that came before them.
All-or-nothing thinking. You think in extremes (“always,” “never,” “ever”), and can’t find the gray area in a situation.
Jumping to the worst conclusion. You take small details and turn the situation into a bigger problem than it actually is.
Taking it personally. You blame yourself for every situation, even when you may have nothing to do with it.

The next time your negative thoughts start racing, pause and think. Are your thoughts based on reality, or are they based on an irrational pattern of thinking? Once you’ve identified distorted thinking, it’s time to reframe the situation.

Reframe the situation.

Look for alternative explanations for what’s going on. Even if you feel 100% sure that everyone hates you, do your best to suspend that belief for a few minutes and come up with other explanations.

Maybe they didn’t respond to your text because they took a nap or they weren’t feeling well.
Maybe they don’t have their phone with them, or they’re somewhere where they can’t use it.
Maybe they’re just not in the mood to talk — not because of anything you’ve done but because they’re not having a very good day.

It may be helpful to put yourself in their shoes. You’ve probably taken a few hours to respond to someone or skipped out on plans before, and you probably had a good reason for it. Think about why you might do the same if you were in their position.

Check your own needs.

If you’re not taking care of yourself, it can impact your mood and the way you feel about yourself. You’re going to be on edge if you haven’t gotten enough sleep, and you’re going to find situations harder to deal with if you’re feeling sick. Are you feeling anxious because someone is genuinely upset with you, or is it because you skipped breakfast and drank an extra-large coffee instead? (Because we’ve all been there.) See how you’re feeling after you’ve had enough rest, food, water, and exercise.

Challenge negative self-talk.

A lot of these feelings come from low self-esteem and negative self-talk. Get to the root of the issue by being kinder to yourself and practicing self-love. Once you’ve made positive thinking a habit, other people’s feelings about you won’t feel quite so black and white. These resources can help:

Reach out.

It’s easy to forget in the moment, but if you’re not sure how someone feels, you can always just ask. Don’t be accusatory or make any assumptions. Just check in with them and give them space to tell you what’s going on.

“Hey, how are you doing? I haven’t heard from you as much lately, and I want to make sure that everything’s okay. If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m here.”

The important thing is to take them at their word. Believe them when they say that nothing is wrong, and assume they’re being genuine when they accept your invitation. If they’re lying to you (and, to be clear, they probably aren’t!), then that’s their issue to sort out — not yours.

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If you take away one thing from this, it’s this: everyone probably doesn’t hate you. It’s a stressful feeling, but one that you can work through with the right mindset and a little patience with yourself.
Sometimes, feeling like everyone hates you may even be a sign of a deeper issue, including mental health conditions like depression or an anxiety disorder. If you think this may be the case, take an online mental health screening to learn more and find resources.

Why do I feel like everyone hates me?