I feel disconnected from my friends

FIXING FRIENDSHIP ANXIETY: HOW TO DEAL WITH DISTANCE IN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS

(Christoffer Endstrom / Unsplash)

There’s this tricky (and sometimes contradictory) relationship between mental health conditions and friendship. We know that having supportive friends can reduce the symptoms of mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. At the same time, mental health conditions can make it harder to maintain strong friendships. It’s not because you’re any less loveable — sometimes your symptoms just make it challenging to get and stay connected.

For example, if your depression makes you feel physically and emotionally drained, it becomes harder to make time for your friends (even if you want to!). Or if you live with anxiety and have a hard time with rejection, reaching out in the first place gets a lot more difficult. You might feel like you’re bad at keeping in touch with your friends, or like you’re always canceling plans with them. But there are things that you can do to improve your friendships — or the way you view them. 

Introducing our Fixing Friendship Anxiety series: your guide to managing friendships when mental illness makes you feel like you’re doing it wrong. Here’s what to do when you feel like you’re losing touch with your friends. 

I feel disconnected from my friends.

Know your limits (and your potential). Sometimes you’ve just got nothing left to give, and other times you know you can push through. Isolation is a symptom of some mental health conditions. Recognize when you’re withdrawing because you’re busy surviving, and when you’re doing it out of fear. 

Set some expectations. There’s no universal friendship handbook that says you have to see or talk to someone a certain amount of times to be their friend. What matters is that both of you feel connected to each other. And that can look different for every friendship. Ask your friend what they need to feel supported, and let them know what you need. Try to be open with them about what you’re going through, how your symptoms manifest, and how that might impact your communication or ability to hang out. 

Cancel or decline with kindness. On those days where you just can’t make it out the door, be honest with your friends. Let them know that it doesn’t have anything to do with them or how much you like them. Clueing them into those bad mental health days will make it easier for them to cut you some slack. Be sure to show appreciation for the invite, even if you do decline. You could even offer up an alternative plan at another time. 

Forget the timeline. Sometimes, it feels like it’s been so long since you’ve talked to a friend that reaching out feels scary. Maybe you even forgot to reply or bailed on plans the last time you spoke. You might be holding on to a lot of shame about it and worry that they won’t respond so kindly. But if you hadn’t heard from someone you love for a long time and they reached out to you, how would you feel? Wouldn’t you be happy to hear from them, even after so long? So screw the timeline and send that message anyway. Because the potential to rekindle this friendship is worth the risk of getting left on read. 

Be intentional. It’s not so much about the amount of time you spend together as the quality and intention behind it. Send them a quick text reminding them of what makes them special to you. Find 15 minutes to facetime and hear about their day. Really listen to what they have to say, and try to remember the important things they talk about — like their first day at a new job or that upcoming family event that’s stressing them out. Conditions like depression and ADHD can impact your memory, so if you have to set a calendar reminder, do it. 

Make it manageable. Not every interaction with your friends has to be a major event. Figure out low-effort hangouts you can do even when your mental health condition is getting the best of you. Instead of going out for dinner, order takeout and watch reality TV in your pajamas together. Or instead of meeting in person, watch a show remotely together over Discord. 

WHAT TO TELL YOURSELF:

“I don’t need to hear from my friend every day to know that they love me. I can feel their care and support even when they aren’t in front of me.”

“My friendships are stronger than the time we spend apart. We have so many memories together, and we’ll make so many more.” 

“My friend knows what I’m going through, and they understand that I need time to myself right now. I know that I would do the same for them.” 

WHAT TO TELL THEM:

“Honestly, I’m not feeling my best today, and I don’t think I can manage our plans tonight. I was really looking forward to hanging out, and I hope we can find a time to see each other when I’m  feeling better. Thanks for understanding.” 

“Thanks so much for inviting me! I actually feel like I need to take today to rest and recharge after the stressful week I’ve had, so I’m going to pass. But I still really appreciate the invite, and I’d love to know the next time you’re planning to go.”

“Hey, just wanted to let you know that I’ve been having a bit of a hard time mentally and emotionally lately. I’m trying to take care of myself, so if I’m a little less responsive than usual, that’s probably why. You mean so much to me, even if we aren’t talking every day.”

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You deserve friendship. You deserve to be loved for your authentic self — and that includes your mental health conditions. With communication, intention, and honesty, you can ease your friendship anxiety and show up for your friends in a way that feels good for everyone. Check out the rest of our Fixing Friendship Anxiety series for more.