Do my friends secretly hate me?
FIXING FRIENDSHIP ANXIETY: HOW TO DEAL WITH DOUBT IN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS
(Ilya Mondry / Unsplash)
There’s this tricky (and sometimes contradictory) relationship between mental health conditions and friendship. We know that having supportive friends can reduce the symptoms of mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. At the same time, mental health conditions can make it harder to maintain strong friendships. It’s not because you’re any less loveable — sometimes your symptoms just make it challenging to get and stay connected.
For example, if you live with anxiety or PTSD, you might have a hard time trusting other people’s feelings towards you. Or if you have borderline personality disorder, you might be really sensitive to any sign that your friends are going to abandon you (even if those signs are just imagined). Maybe you feel like your friends secretly don’t like you, or that they’re gossiping about you behind your back. It could even cross your mind that they’re just pretending to be your friends. But there are things that you can do to improve your friendships — or the way you view them.
Introducing our Fixing Friendship Anxiety series: your guide to managing friendships when mental illness makes you feel like you’re doing it wrong. Here’s what to do when you’re stuck doubting whether your friends actually like you.
I feel like my friends secretly hate me.
Get out of your head. So much of this battle is internal. You can get stuck in looping thoughts and assumptions and really spiral out. Shift your focus outward. Stop thinking for a minute and observe. Notice how people are reacting to you. How are they treating you? What are they saying to you? What’s their mood like around you? You might just find that their actions and your thoughts don’t align. People don’t spend time with people they hate. If they act like a friend, treat you like a friend, and talk to you like a friend, then they are your friend.
Find another explanation. We say this lovingly: not everything is about you. That’s important to remember when you’re looking for “evidence’’ that someone secretly doesn’t like you. They may not have invited you to that thing because they didn’t think you’d be interested. Or they sent that dry text because they were in the middle of an errand. Don’t jump to the worst possible conclusion, and especially don’t put yourself at the center of it.
Remind yourself of your connection. They’re your friend for a reason. Think back on good memories that you share. What are some fun times you’ve had together? How have you supported each other? How have they shown you that they care? Just because those things aren't happening at this exact moment doesn’t mean that the bond isn’t there.
Build your self-esteem. Make sure you’re not projecting your insecurities on your friends. Does your friend not like you, or do you not trust that you’re likable? Are your friends trash talking you, or are you doing that in your own head? See yourself as worthy and loveable first, and other people will follow. If there’s something you don’t like about yourself or your behavior, you can do something about it.
Let go of control. You can’t control how other people think of you or how they treat you. You can only control whether you decide to participate or not. So if your friend is treating you well, great! If they’re treating you poorly, you don’t have to stick around. Don’t obsess over how your friend thinks about you in their own head. All you have to go off is their actions and words, so take them at face value. If they’re being dishonest or holding back their true feelings, that’s their problem and not yours.
WHAT TO TELL YOURSELF:
“I know who I am. I am kind. I am considerate. I am loveable. I am good enough. If anyone disagrees, then they don’t have to spend time with me.”
“My friends love me. I love them. I am safe with them.
“My friends will let me know how they really feel about me. If they don’t, their dishonesty is not my responsibility.”
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You deserve friendship. You deserve to be loved for your authentic self — and that includes your mental health conditions. With communication, intention, and honesty, you can ease your friendship anxiety and show up for your friends in a way that feels good for everyone. Check out the rest of our Fixing Friendship Anxiety series for more.