You are not a burden. Here’s how to ask a loved one for mental health help.
A CONVERSATION GUIDE FOR WHEN YOU CAN’T FIND THE RIGHT WORDS TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.
By Jackie Menjivar
(Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash)
Everyone needs a little help sometimes. But while most of us are quick to lend a hand, asking for someone else’s support can feel a little harder — especially when you live with a mental health condition. Social withdrawal is a symptom of conditions like depression and anxiety. But when you’re really in the thick of it, that’s when you need the support of your friends and family the most.
You are not a burden. You deserve care and support, and the people who love you want to give it to you — sometimes you just have to ask. Easier said than done? Here’s your guide to asking for help.
Things to keep in mind
Know when you need help. Learn to recognize the signs that you need some extra support (and any patterns of social withdrawal). Have you been stuck in your own head lately? Is there anything you’ve been bottling up? Is that impacting your day-to-day life? When’s the last time you reached out or felt connected to someone else?
Be mindful of boundaries. You should absolutely ask for help when you need it. Just be conscious of where the other person is at physically, emotionally, and mentally. Make sure you’re keeping healthy boundaries and expectations. Ask if they have the time and space, and respect if they’re at capacity.
Ask for what you need. This means you’ll need to do a little introspection. What are you feeling, and what are those feelings trying to tell you? What do you need at this moment, and what would help fulfill that? Here are some common examples:
I feel overwhelmed. I need rest. I’ll ask them to take something off of my plate.
I feel sad. I need connection. I’ll ask to spend quality time with them.
I feel anxious. I need reassurance. I’ll ask for advice about this situation.
You don’t have to be able to perfectly articulate what you’re going through or have a full game plan for fixing it. But the more direction you have, the easier it’ll be to get the help you need. If you don’t know what you need, it’s okay to acknowledge it. Ask to talk through it together and see what comes up.
Give yourself permission to ask. Asking for help can feel scary. You’re putting yourself out there and showing a lot of vulnerability — but also tremendous courage. The people who love you will recognize that and be happy to help. If you’re having doubts, put yourself in their shoes: how would you feel if a friend came to you with the same request? Give yourself the compassion that you would give other people.
Follow-up afterwards. When people show up for you, let them know how much it means to you. Thank them for their support, tell them how their actions impacted you, and offer to repay the favor when you can. People like knowing that they made a difference for the folks they care about, and it’ll also give them more confidence in how to support you in the future.
How to ask for help
These are just a few examples of texts you can send or things you can say to ask for help. Feel free to mix and match and make it your own!
WHEN YOU WANT TO GAUGE THEIR AVAILABILITY:
I’d like to ask for your help with something. Is there a time today when you’re free to talk?
I’ve been struggling with something lately, and I could use your help. Do you have the time and space to listen right now?
I’d really appreciate your help with something. Could you let me know when you’re free to talk through it?
I was wondering if you could do me a favor. Is now a good time for you to talk?
WHEN YOU’RE ASKING FOR SOMETHING SPECIFIC:
I’ve been having a hard time getting out of my apartment lately, but I know fresh air is good for my mental health. Could we take a walk together this week?
I’m feeling really overwhelmed by school and work right now. Even just one less thing on my to-do list would be such a relief. Would you mind picking up my prescription from the pharmacy tomorrow?
I’m in a bit of a slump with my mental health right now. Reaching out feels tough, but I want to stay in touch. Could you check in on me every so often?
I’ve been struggling to adjust after my breakup, and it feels pretty lonely. I could really use your company. Can we have a movie night sometime soon?
WHEN YOU’RE NOT SURE WHAT YOU NEED:
I’m not sure what to do, but I’m open to any ideas. Do you have any thoughts? What usually helps you in situations like this?
I don't know what I need right now. Would you mind talking through it with me? Maybe we could find some solutions together.
I’m not sure what I need from you, but processing out loud could be helpful. Could I just talk with you about how I’m feeling and see what comes up?
I’m not ready to talk about it, but I don’t think I want to be alone right now. Can we call and just chat for a bit? I’ll let you know if I think of anything else I need.
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If reaching out to someone you know still feels like too much, or if you’re dealing with something beyond their capacity, there are resources that can help. If you’re currently in crisis, text IDM to 741741 to reach a trained crisis counselor at the Crisis Text Line, or call 988 to reach the National Suicide and Crisis Hotline.