What is self-abandonment?
STOP PUTTING EVERYONE ELSE’S NEEDS BEFORE YOUR OWN
By Jackie Menjivar
At face value, self-abandonment might feel like a bit of a contradiction. You’re kinda stuck with yourself, so it’s not like you can just up and ditch yourself — at least, not physically. But mentally and emotionally… that’s another story. You might even be doing it without recognizing it, especially if you identify as a people-pleaser or have a tendency to nitpick yourself.
So what is self-abandonment, and how do you overcome it? Here’s what you need to know.
What is self-abandonment?
Self-abandonment happens when you neglect your own needs, wants, feelings, and values. You may prioritize other people and their problems at the expense of your own. Or you may just feel like your stuff doesn’t really matter. Here are some examples of self-abandonment:
Pushing your feelings aside. You ignore your emotions or convince yourself that they’re “wrong” and you shouldn’t feel them.
People-pleasing. You put other people before yourself, even when it leaves you feeling drained. You have a hard time saying “no.”
Not advocating for yourself. You have a hard time asserting yourself, setting boundaries, and asking for help.
Hiding your true self. You avoid expressing your feelings or sharing your opinions with other people. You may be afraid to pursue certain interests or dreams.
Being your worst critic. You’re really hard on yourself, constantly finding faults in your appearance, behavior, and achievements.
Self-abandonment can look like a lot of different things. You might agree to do favors for people even when you’re running on empty. Or you may tell yourself that you’re not good enough to reach your goals, so you don’t even try. Or you might try to squash down sad feelings with distractions instead of letting yourself feel them.
What causes self-abandonment?
Self-abandonment is a coping mechanism — although, to be clear, not a healthy one. You learn to abandon yourself when important people in your life (like family or partners) don’t meet your needs or respect your desires. You learned to treat yourself the way that you’ve been treated.
How can you heal your self-abandoning behavior?
If you can learn self-abandonment, you can also learn self-love. There are little things you can do each day to build a healthier, more positive relationship with yourself. Even if it feels forced at first, it’ll become second-nature with enough practice. Here are some skills to work on:
Self-validation: Instead of pushing them down, accept your feelings without judgment. Practice being present, naming the way you feel, and allowing yourself to really feel it.
“I’m feeling sad, and my stomach is in knots. That’s okay. No one is happy all the time. I can cry if I need to.”
Self-love: The way you talk about yourself (even in the privacy of your own mind) impacts the way you feel about yourself — which impacts the way you treat yourself. So it all starts with compassionate self-talk. What do you like about yourself? What are you proud of? What can you do today that you couldn’t do five years ago?
Self-protection: You deserve to feel safe and secure — physically and emotionally. Are there things that threaten your peace? Set boundaries with toxic family members, block harmful social media accounts, and learn how to ground yourself when you come across triggers.
Self-exploration: Being your authentic self starts with figuring out who you actually are. Find the things that feed your heart. Are there things you’ve been interested in but haven’t explored yet? Sign up for a class, visit a new place, start a fun project, or pick up a new hobby. Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t, but at least give yourself permission to try.
Self-assertion: Learn to stand up for yourself, even when it feels scary. You aren’t being pushy; you’re advocating for your needs. Ask your partner for more support, have a conversation with your roommate about the dishes, and say “no” to those last-minute requests.
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Your relationship with yourself is just as important as your relationship with your friends, family, or partner (if not more!). Treat yourself like someone you love. Or better yet, become someone who you love.