How do you know if you're emotionally dependent?

DON’T RELY ON SOMEONE ELSE TO FULFILL ALL YOUR MENTAL HEALTH NEEDS

By Jackie Menjivar

(The HK Photo Company / Unsplash)

No one should have to go through life alone. Sometimes you need someone to lend an ear, celebrate a big win, or offer some words of encouragement. And we’re always on the side of asking for help when you need it.

But is there such a thing as asking for too much support? How do you know if you’re being emotionally dependent on someone else? What can you do to stop it? 

If your emotional wellbeing feels like it’s tied to someone else (maybe you even refer to them as your “emotional support partner/friend”), it might be time to reevaluate your relationship and work on your coping skills. Here’s everything you need to know about emotional dependency. 

What are the signs of emotional dependency? 

Emotional dependency is when you rely entirely on someone else to help you cope with your feelings and meet your emotional needs. Emotional needs are the things that you need to feel fulfilled and happy — like a sense of safety, belonging, achievement, or connectedness. They’re different for everyone, and you might value some more than others. 

You can be emotionally dependent on a romantic partner, a family member, or a friend. Here’s what it could look like: 

  • Your happiness depends on them. Whether you have a good day or a bad one hinges entirely on whether they’re around and what kind of mood they’re in. If you’re not doing something fun with them, then you’re probably feeling pretty low. 

  • You idealize or project onto them. In your mind, you build them up to be something that they really aren’t. You might put them up on a pedestal and see them as someone who could never hurt you or do any wrong. Or you might unconsciously thrust them into a role that they’re not responsible for — like savior, protector, or therapist. 

  • You’re anxious when they’re not around. Time spent apart is excruciating for you. You start ruminating about when they’ll be back and whether their feelings for you have changed while they’re away.

  • You’re terrified of losing them. You don’t know how you could live without them, and you spend a lot of energy trying to make sure that they don’t ever leave you. 

  • You feel very jealous or possessive over them. It makes you anxious when they spend quality time with other people or on other projects because you feel like it threatens your relationship. You want their time and attention to be focused only or mostly on you. 

  • You have a hard time being alone. No matter what you’re doing, you’d prefer their companionship over solitude. Not just the fun stuff either — daily tasks like cooking, cleaning, or working feel difficult on your own. You may tend to jump from relationship to relationship. 

  • You need a lot of reassurance from them. You’re constantly asking them if they still like you and want to spend time with you. You need them to reassure you that you aren’t annoying them and that the choices you’re making are the right ones. 

  • Your self-esteem depends on them. A compliment from them can send your self-esteem soaring, but silence can make it come crashing back down. Their opinion of you is the most important factor in how you feel about yourself. 

  • You rely on them to help you cope. You use them to find relief from the stuff that’s stressing you out. When you’re struggling with something (like a project at work, a fight with a friend, or an upcoming deadline), you turn to them to help you feel better. 

  • You struggle to process feelings on your own. When something happens to you (good, bad, or otherwise), your first instinct is to reach out to them. Their reaction helps you process how to feel about the situation.

  • You focus on what they do for you. You feel the best about your relationship when they’re doing a lot of things for you or with you. You appreciate their actions more than them as a person. 

What’s the difference between emotional support and emotional dependency?

We’re not saying that you have to deal with your emotions completely on your own either. Everyone needs a little help and encouragement sometimes. The difference between emotional support and dependency is in just how much you rely on someone else. 

Healthy emotional support should come from a lot of different places: friends, family, romantic partners, mental health providers, faith communities, etc. Emotional dependence makes it one person’s responsibility to meet all your needs. In fact, you don’t even try to meet your needs by yourself before turning to them, and every situation feels like something you need their help with — whether you’re looking for validation, encouragement, advice, or affection. 

Emotional support is also more of a two-way street. You give them support when they need it, and vice versa. You’re sharing the emotional load rather than only giving it or receiving it. 

How can I stop being emotionally dependent?

Learn to love yourself. Sometimes emotional dependence happens when you go looking externally for the love you feel that you lack. The thing is, this person’s love for you isn’t any better or more real than your own love for yourself. In fact, self-love is the most important kind of love. And if you don’t feel like you love yourself very much right now, that’s okay — you can learn! When you find yourself wishing this person would do something for you, do it for yourself instead. Buy yourself those fresh flowers, give yourself that pep talk, or snuggle up on the couch by yourself with a weighted blanket. 

Get comfortable feeling your feelings. Instead of distracting yourself from your feelings with this person and their attention, ask yourself: what are my feelings trying to tell me? Don’t avoid the hard stuff, let yourself feel what you need to feel, and trust that the moment will pass. It’s also good to put together a toolbox of coping strategies that you can do on your own instead of immediately reaching out to someone else. 

Practice being alone. You might not be able to stand the thought of being alone, but it’s a muscle that you can build over time. Practice being alone in short bursts until you can manage going days with just your own company. You can unplug and take a walk, spend some time in nature, or get truly alone with yourself and your thoughts through meditation. Even just setting a timer for 30 minutes away from your phone can be a good exercise in quality time by yourself. 

Build up your sense of self. Maybe you don’t even know what to do with yourself when you’re alone, or who you are without someone else’s guidance. Take some time for self-exploration! Hang out with other friends, try out a new hobby, or take a trip to somewhere new and see what you can find. Find the things that fill your heart completely on your own. 

Be aware of your triggers. Your emotional dependency might be triggered by certain feelings or situations. You might look for comfort when you’re facing a really tough problem that you’re scared to face on your own. Or you might get possessive when your partner goes out with their friends and doesn’t text you. The next time you get that “I need this person right now or I will explode” feeling, make a note of what was happening right before. Once you get familiar with what sends you spiraling, you can anticipate and get your coping strategies ready for them. 

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If you’re feeling called out by some of the things in this article, don’t feel guilty. There may have been some negative experiences, relationships, or trauma in your past that have led you here. At the end of the day, you’re just looking for acceptance and care, and there’s nothing shameful about that. 

That being said, there are healthier ways to get the care that you’re looking for — including from yourself! Each small moment of independence and self-love is a step forward for yourself and your relationships.

RelationshipsKristina Benoist