One of those days...
A LOOK AT HOW ANXIETY IS NOT A LINEAR JOURNEY
By Karla Espinosa Hudson
(Chirayu Trivedi / Unsplash)
Today is one of those days that start “normal.” I have something to do, somewhere to be, things to finish that I simply forgot and are meant to be done. I have an order, a routine and maybe even a duty. But then… something feels off. Today is one of those afternoons, when for one reason or the other, I end up forgetting my plans, ‘cause I must do something that l don’t really want to and I start to wonder if I really have to.
After a couple of hours, just doing the same annoying activity, while watching Netflix or listening to some music, I swear to myself that it is only to keep me calm, relaxed, help me feel less alone or whatever excuse of the day I choose. Until I end up noticing that I just spent hours half working on something I despise and half watching the same old movie that “won’t be distracting” since I know it by heart.. And I wonder if what I am doing actually means something.
Tonight is one of those nights. When my head is wandering, not able to stop random thoughts. And I finally realize that that well known, cold and sad feeling is back. I feel stuck, like I haven’t done anything with my life. Like whatever I have done, no matter how big or how small, feels meaningless, and I wonder if I am doing the right thing.
How crazy is it to have a midlife crisis at 24?
What about at 20 with my first panic attack?
Or at 18 with my weekly nervous breakdowns? 16 dropping out of High School, 15 living in my own world, trying to convince myself that life wasn’t real? 13 talking to someone that only existed in my mind and still chooses to appear from time to time, 11 wondering if I’ll ever be good enough, 10 learning to stay quiet to be accepted, 8 trying to protect myself from my own family pressure, or 6… scared in my room at night, feeling like the walls are moving, growing and shrinking like Alice in Wonderland, cars on the street that I was able to hear even though my bedroom wasn’t close to it. Counting sheep one, dos, trois, adding them like I learned two, dos, quatre, subtracting or trying cuatro, two, deux, remembering words in Spanish, English and French, trying to repeat the whole class in my head. Quoting kids books as if they meant something deep, over and over again, and fearing I would never be normal enough, good enough, smart enough and needed something else, something to love, something with meaning.
Tonight is one of those nights that I wonder “What’s next?” I want my life to mean something.
I want to make sure that I’m something, something more than my problems, something more than my meds, something more than a couple of diagnoses and way more than what everyone wants me to be. It’s not me, no soy yo, c’est pas moi. And I still don’t know who I am and that's okay , y aún lo estoy averiguando, c’est pas moi c’est pas moi c’est pas moi.
This piece was written and shared during the IDONTMIND Writing Workshop. Learn more about our free, nine-week course and be the first to know about the next workshop here. Visit Mental Health Connecticut’s YouTube channel for a video version of Karla’s story.
Karla Espinosa Hudson is a writer who lives inside her stories but is also ready to see the beauty outside of them. She's a teacher and loves reading and musical theater.
