Love Is A Skill You Can Learn
AN INTERVIEW WITH THE ONE LOVE FOUNDATION ON RELATIONSHIPS, abuse, AND THE IMPORTANCE OF LEARNING HOW TO LOVE
By Kristina Benoist
Jonas Weckschmied / Unsplash
Have you ever thought about how you learned to love? Was it something you were born knowing how to do, or did you learn from example? Our relationships, how we love and how we are loved in return, are one of the most important parts of our lives and our mental health. It’s rarely something we think about or are taught about, but if you think about it, it’s one of the biggest parts of our life.
One Love is focused on what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, as well as an unhealthy one. They want to empower you to spot unhealthy behaviors and red flags in your relationships before they transform into abuse or intimate partner violence (IPV). We sat down with Annie Forrest and Grace Carmichael from One Love to talk more about their continued work, their newest campaign, Love Is Learned, and the reality of recognizing and getting help before a relationship takes a turn towards abuse.
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IDONTMIND: I’d love to hear about how One Love got started and what its mission is?
Grace Carmichael: One Love was founded out of the loss of Yeardley Love, who was a senior at the University of Virginia and was killed by her ex-boyfriend. You know, when I share the story and how we were founded and why we do the work, I focus on these puzzle pieces that the friends and family members and loved ones were missing. When they think back and look at Yeardley's relationship with her ex-boyfriend, all those signs and symptoms were subtle. They knew there was jealousy and knew there was something off, but it was being referred to as drama or saying, 'it's not that big of a deal.’ What we're doing is saying ‘it's not just drama,’ we're labeling the behaviors and saying ‘that's jealousy or manipulation or possessiveness.’
So I think the biggest thing is, what are those signs and symptoms that you see early in the beginning? And then most importantly, how do you act on it? We're giving people the tools on how to talk about what they're seeing, what they're experiencing, and most importantly, I think, what they're feeling.
Annie Forrest: I would just add that we were founded in 2010, but it really wasn't until a couple of years later, during the trial, that Yeardley's family was hearing about all those red flags. Things started to click — it wasn't just a drunken night gone wrong. There were actually so many warning signs along the way that everyone saw, but they just didn't understand that those red flags were creating a pattern that led to an abusive relationship and ultimately, the loss of life. So we focus primarily on young people because we want them to understand what healthy friendships are. And hopefully, that will lead to healthy relationships later down the line. That way we can really break the cycles normalizing the unhealthy behaviors that are around us all the time.
GC: I think we're really mindful about referring to it as relationship abuse and relationship health because what we're doing is not specifically domestic violence work.
IDM: You both touched on things that I wanted to ask you about. First off, I did notice a lot that One Love uses healthy and unhealthy relationships over strictly saying abuse and domestic violence. Could you expand just a little bit more on that?
AF: I think when we first started as an organization, we used words like relationship violence or domestic violence a lot more. But we noticed that people quickly distance themselves from those extreme words. I think, for a lot of people, their minds immediately jump to physical violence. What we're focused on, and what those early signs and symptoms are almost entirely made up of, is emotional abuse or unhealthy behaviors. It's all those things that kind of stack up little by little over time and creates patterns that may lead to physical abuse. To be relatable and for people to see themselves within the content that we create, we stray from using those stronger words. I'm really focused on saying healthy versus unhealthy — how can you build healthy behaviors so that those unhealthy ones don't pop up?
“We focus primarily on young people because we want them to understand what healthy friendships are. And hopefully that will lead to healthy relationships later down the line.”
IDM: The other thing I wanted to ask about was something you both mentioned and what I found really interesting about One Love. I feel like so much work around abusive relationships is geared towards adults. But I found that One Love is really aiming to educate young people and to teach them how to have just healthy relationships in all circumstances with friends, family, significant others, whoever it may be. I'd love to hear why you think it's so important to reach a younger group of people.
GC: I think it's an opportunity for change, you know. It's really going to take an entire generation to shift the mindset of healthy and unhealthy relationships. If you're talking with a fifth-grader, chances are they haven't been in a romantic relationship with somebody, so you can kind of get ahead of those behaviors. I work with adults all the time, but they have their fixed ideas and bias, and they've been in their own relationships. It's not my job to tell them what's right or wrong, but it is my job to guide a healthy path. And I think that's something that a young person is craving and wanting to know.
AF: I think also, from a stats point of view, a lot of people think that domestic violence or unhealthy relationships happen to an older crowd. In reality, young people 16 to 24, young women in particular, are actually the most at-risk age range. So it's really important for us to not only talk to them, but to get in front of those younger ages, even in middle school, and remind them that they need to be thinking about what healthy is before they're ever in a dating relationship.
GC: There are stats that show 1 in 3 teens have been in emotionally abusive relationships that include psychological effects. So emotional abuse is just as relevant for young people. I've seen and experienced physical and emotional abuse, and I often argue that emotional abuse is even worse, because it has a long-lasting effect.
“People are so resistant to talking about this, because I think we like to think ‘this isn’t going to happen to me’ or ‘I would never let that happen.’”
IDM: Along those lines, abuse and unhealthy relationships do occur with all age ranges, ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations, but it still feels like it's this really unspoken topic. Why do you think that is?
AF: Yeah, I think that people are so resistant to talking about this because I think we like to think 'this isn't going to happen to me' or 'I would never let that happen.’ We hold all of these stereotypes while, at the same time, social media, the media, TV shows, movies, song lyrics are all normalizing these unhealthy things. I think that all those messages kind of combine to create situations where people just don't think that it happens. Even though we know over 1 in 3 women, close to 1 in 3 men, and 1 in 2 trans and non-binary folks will experience some form of intimate partner violence in the United States in their lifetime, it still doesn't feel real until someone either experiences it personally or knows someone who has experienced it.
But there are so many reasons why someone might not share their experience or come forward and I think it's very similar to talking about your mental health. We know that this happens to so many people, but it's still really hard and requires a lot of vulnerability. And I think sometimes people feel shame or self-blame that prevents conversations from happening.
“There are so many reasons why someone might not share their experience or come forward and I think it’s very similar to talking about your mental health. We know that this happens to so many people, but it’s still really hard and requires a lot of vulnerability.”
IDM: You both talked about some of those early warning signs, like isolation and possessiveness. But what are a few of others that you see as the classic warning signs that a relationship is unhealthy and has the potential to be abusive?
GC: I always think that the person's volatility is a huge warning sign. How are they reacting to things? It's also important to be looking at the bigger picture. How are they acting even outside of the relationship? You know, you have these red flags within a relationship, but it's important to look at the characteristics of the person outside of the relationship too.
AF: I think our 10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship are such a good barometer for people to check their relationships against. These are the most common things that we see in relationships that might turn abusive. We always say 100% of us have done and will do something on this list - it doesn't mean we're bad people. But if they're stacking up, and becoming a regular pattern in a relationship, that's when someone needs to really think about reaching out for help or think about whether that relationship is the healthiest thing for them to be in.
IDM: I love what you said, Annie, about how all of us have done something on that list, at some point and in some relationship. I think it's reassuring that one sign doesn't define the relationship, it's just a good reminder to see how they all add up. But I think it's a good way to check in with yourself and your own behaviors.
GC: I think that gut feeling is so important too. When we're working with younger people, we talk about how If something feels like it's off, chances are it's probably off. I always like to say, for example, if a friend hit you on a playground, that would hurt your feelings. But what happens when a friend says something behind your back at the lunch table? How does it make you feel inside? That way, when you look through 10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship, you can match those tangible emotions that you've been feeling to those signs. And from there, you can better articulate how you're feeling.
IDM: You've mentioned that, once you’ve seen those unhealthy behaviors in a relationship, you may want to reach out for help. So if someone is reading this interview, and they realize some relationship in their life is an unhealthy one, what are steps that you recommend people take to stay safe and to get help?
AF: In terms of actual resource providers, our partners at Loveisrespect.org and the National Domestic Violence Hotline are national resource providers, and they are an excellent place to start. Every single region of the United States has a domestic violence agency that you can call if you are experiencing these unhealthy things — those resources are there for you.
If you're also just worried about a friend, you don't have to be the one experiencing something yourself, you can call, text, or chat with someone online too. I think we always say reach out to a hotline or text this chat line, and we want people to connect with advocates and to connect with professionals. But based on One Love surveys, we know that young people are much more likely to reach out to a friend than anyone else. So if we, as friends, have the language to help someone, we can guide them toward other resources — whether they're trusted adults or professionals in the field.
IDM: That's such an important idea. Friends can serve as a bridge to connect people to resources and professionals. What do you both suggest for people who are trying to support someone that is in or has previously been in an unhealthy relationship?
GC: Being patient is so important. If somebody is being affected by an unhealthy relationship, you can call and can check in with them every day. But also giving them space. So I think checking in is always nice, but you have to be patient if someone isn’t ready to talk or share.
AF: One unhealthy sign is if a relationship goes zero to 100. For example, let’s say I have a friend that just started dating someone and then two weeks later I see that they've captioned their photo with that person saying ‘I love you’. Maybe for me as a friend that's a little bit of a red flag to check-in.
I think in terms of getting to the point where someone is ready to leave, it's making sure that person feels empowered to do it, and that it's not just you saying to them, ‘I think you should leave’. But just being there for someone and providing a support system can help so much. And they know that if they do, in fact, leave, there's going to be this net of individuals to help catch and support them.
IDM: Just one final thing, I would love to hear more about One Love's newest Love Is Learned campaign!
GC: I'm so glad One Love came out with this campaign. I swear I'm not trying to be a cheesy One Love spokesperson, but it just hits so close to home. I grew up with a very abusive father. And no one told me what a healthy relationship should be or should look like. Still to this day, no one has really told me what healthy is supposed to be. And so I think the Love Is Learned campaign is explicitly showing what it means to be in a healthy relationship.
AF: I love that you said that Grace. The whole concept of the campaign is that love is actually a skill. It's not just something that you experience as a feeling. But rather, it's something you can actively be taught. We do a disservice to young people by not actively teaching what love is and what love isn’t from an early age. But we can turn everything on its head and start doing that, with the goal of people having healthier relationships. I think there's a lot of really exciting education that can come out of the fact that love is learned. Love is a skill.
If you’re interested in learning more about One Love, you can check out their work here. If you’re experiencing abuse or domestic violence and are in search of resources and information, call 1-800-799-SAFE to reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline or text LOVEIS to 22522 to reach Love Is Respect.