How to respond when someone asks about your self-harm scars
YOU CAN TELL YOUR STORY (OR NOT) ON YOUR OWN TERMS
Estimated read time: 6 minutes
By Jackie Menjivar
(Luis VIllasmil / Unsplash)
Warning: Content discussed addresses self-harm.
Mental health conditions are often described as “invisible illnesses.” But it’s important to remember that a lot of people do live with visible evidence of their struggle — like scars from self-harm.
For people with self-harm scars, it’s harder to keep that part of your identity private. Your body is your business, and no one should feel obligated to hide their scars (and for some people, it’s impossible). Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop curious folks — both familiar and unfamiliar — from questioning or commenting on them.
It can feel really vulnerable to be asked about your scars. You ultimately have the power to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable. If you need some help navigating those conversations, here’s our guide on how to respond to questions about your self-harm scars.
Things to consider before responding
How much does this person know about self-harm? This could be the first time that they’ve ever heard about self-harm. You aren’t responsible for educating them about it, but they may ask you to explain it to them anyway.
Will this person react negatively to the truth? You can’t control how someone reacts to your story — and you can’t always predict it either. Keep in mind the person’s tone, behavior, or personally held beliefs about self-harm or mental illness. Protecting yourself should always be the priority.
How old is this person? You probably want to respond differently to a child than you would to a teenager or to an adult. Kids are naturally curious, so their questions usually come from a very innocent place. They also may not be old enough to really understand your experience.
What is the setting and context of this question? There’s a big difference between your partner asking about your scars while hanging out and your coworker asking about them during a work meeting. The way you answer in one situation may not feel comfortable or appropriate in another — and that’s okay!
Could this person share a similar experience? Sometimes people may ask because they have their own experience with self-harm, and they’re looking to connect with you about it.
How to respond
BE HONEST
It’s incredibly brave to share your truth. It’s also totally up to you how much or how little you share. Keep it vague, or get into the details — whatever feels comfortable and appropriate!
“I went through a really difficult time, and hurting myself is how I tried to cope. I’ve learned better ways to handle my struggles, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.”
“I did this to myself when I was going through some mental health challenges. At the time, I did what I felt I had to do to survive, but now I know how to deal with my emotions in healthier ways.”
“I’m recovering from self-harm. I wasn’t always very kind to my body, but I’m doing a lot better now.”
“I struggled with some mental health issues, but I’m doing well now.”
“I was really sick for a while, but I’m healed now.”
AVOID AND DEFLECT
Not everyone needs (or deserves!) to hear your story. There’s nothing wrong with just skipping the conversation altogether. You can say something subtle, and most people will get the hint that it isn’t something you want to discuss.
“Oh, those are from a long time ago.”
“That’s a long story for another time.”
“Wait, that reminds me of something! Have you heard of…”
“Honestly, I kind of forget that those are there.”
“I’m not really sure. I’ve gotten so many over the years.”
“I’ll have to get back to you on that.”
MAKE AN EXCUSE
Sometimes it’s just easier to make something up and give people an easy explanation. You don’t even have to have a super elaborate excuse — just enough info to keep the conversation moving.
“I learned the hard way that my neighbor’s cat isn’t very friendly.”
“I fell out of a tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
“I was trying to climb a fence and didn’t realize there was barbed wire.”
“I think those are stretch marks.”
“I got into an accident.”
“I’m super clumsy.”
USE HUMOR
Keep things light with a joke or funny comment. When in doubt, a smile and a well-timed shrug can go a long way.
“I’ll forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering”
“Sorry, that’s top secret information. Highly classified.”
“If you think those are bad, you should see the other guy.”
“Woah, where did those come from?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
SET BOUNDARIES
When people keep pushing for answers, it’s best to just clearly communicate that you don’t want to talk about it. You’re allowed to set boundaries with strangers, loved ones, and anyone in between.
“That’s private.”
“It’s personal.”
“I’m not comfortable talking about it.”
“Can we talk about something else?”
“I’m not ready to discuss this.”
“This is hard for me to talk about.”
“I’d rather not get into it.”
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It can be hard to find the right words when you’re put on the spot. Feel free to mix and match any of these examples to get a response that feels right for you and your situation.
If you’re struggling with self-harm (or other people’s response to it), don’t be afraid to seek professional help. You can also text IDM to 741741 to reach out to the Crisis Text Line, available 24/7.