A day in the life
A SHORT POEM ABOUT WHAT LIVING WITH ANXIETY LOOKS LIKE FOR ME
By Tessa Cone
(Martino Pietropoli / Unsplash)
I hate anxiety.
Waking up with an elephant on my chest,
The dread holding me down.
Its presence, a constant shadow in my life.
Always hiding in the shadows,
Daring me to forget that it's there,
So it can surprise me again.
Feeling the anxiety creep in
before I even remember what I’m anxious about.
Taking a mental body scan,
Trying to figure out what's wrong.
The constant nausea before an event.
Staying distracted so as not to trigger my anxiety.
Not being able to think about anything but the anxiety.
Not being able to talk about my anxiety
Because it will make it real.
Because I then give it power.
Having to be careful what I think about,
And how each thing I do,
Will affect my anxiety.
Staying in bed,
Trying to fall back to sleep,
Because that's the only way to stop the thoughts.
“Just don’t worry about it”
They say.
“Just stop thinking about it”
They offer.
“All the good experiences are just flukes,
It’s not going to feel like that again.”
The anxiety says.
Past experiences fill my mind.
11 years old,
Crying in the backseat of the car,
Completely terrified,
Oblivious to what was happening inside.
13 years old,
Tired and nauseous,
Stuck at the airport.
Scared of the future,
Haunted by the past.
15 years old,
Moving back to the States.
Worried about everything I had missed,
Anxious about everything yet to come.
17 years old,
In the middle of a pandemic,
About to move again.
Anxiety at an all time high.
18 years old,
Trying to figure out who I am,
And what I'm going to give to the world.
Still full of anxiety,
Now surrounded by support.
Regretting how I handled anxiety in the past,
Not knowing how it would affect my anxiety today.
The first medicine I took,
Causing my anxiety to get worse.
So many things became associated with anxiety,
So many things became triggering for my anxiety.
Wishing I could go back,
And warn my younger self.
I really hate anxiety.
Brain foggy,
Hands shaking,
Heart beating fast.
Leg bouncing,
Breaths hard to catch.
Waves of panic,
Pulling me under.
The minutes ticking away,
Time moves as slow as possible.
Wanting it to stop,
Wanting it to move faster.
Getting closer and closer.
Taking a shower
Just to do something other than sit on my bed.
Song stuck in my head,
Keeping me distracted.
Focus on singing that song over and over,
Because I know
If I have something else in my brain
There is no space for anxiety.
Having to trick my brain,
“I’ll stay for ten minutes
and if I don’t feel good then I’ll leave”
I tell myself.
“You didn’t come this far just to come this far”
Knowing that the hardest part is over.
Immediately going in,
Not giving myself enough time to rethink it
Or worry about it.
Knowing that if I back out now
it will make the anxiety worse.
“We’re good, we got this”
I remind myself,
Feeling the anxiety start to leave.
Spinning my ring,
The one I got as a graduation gift,
The one that reminds me of everything I have already accomplished.
Tapping my fingers,
Talking to others, laughing, and smiling.
Anxiety starts creeping back in.
Feeling the weight off my chest as I leave
knowing that I did it.
The elephant takes one foot off of me.
And I am ignorantly optimistic,
Maybe it will finally leave for good this time.
Maybe it will stop holding me down,
And back from the things I want to do.
Instantly forgetting everything I had been worrying about.
A single moment of peace.
Trying to chase that feeling,
But I know,
The only way to get rid of anxiety
Is to experience it and push through.
I hate anxiety.
The thoughts that keep you up at night.
Falling asleep knowing tomorrow will be the same,
Getting up because I don’t want to live like this anymore.
I really hate anxiety.
But I’m done letting it control my life.
It’s time to get rid of this elephant.
This piece was written and shared during the IDONTMIND Writing Workshop. Learn more about our free, nine-week course and be the first to know about the next workshop here. Visit Mental Health Connecticut’s YouTube channel for a video version of Tessa’s story.
Tessa Cone is a sophomore at the University of Maryland- Baltimore County, double majoring in Gender and Women's Studies and Social Work, with a minor in Psychology. She has been struggling with anxiety since she was 11 and hopes to help those who are also struggling through policy work and writing.
