Chemistry is not enough on its own

Discovering what truly matters in making connections last

By Lizzy Madrigal and Drew Valo

Have you ever met someone that you instantly clicked with? Someone with whom everything seemed effortless? If you ask any person to name a significant factor in getting to know a potential partner, more often than not "chemistry" is one of those things that never fails to make that list. But while chemistry may be a popular must-have in today's dating scene, an unpopular truth is it is not a very good predetermining factor in whether a relationship will be longstanding. So why is it so common to highlight something that does not guarantee us the relationship outcome that we want?

What is chemistry? 

Let’s look at the definition of chemistry: what is it exactly? We asked a dozen people to share their definitions of what chemistry looks like for them, particularly when getting to know someone. While there was not a consensus on a definition of chemistry, what we did find was that almost every person identified reciprocated physical attraction as a qualifier for it. Some people added that they associated chemistry with lust, passion, and desire, while others described it as a “magnetic energy” that draws two people closer. But if developing a deep connection with a person is the end goal, there are other things to consider that may be better indicators of a more substantial connection — given that the physical only allows for a surface-level exchange.

Is chemistry a good or bad thing?

One point that we want to make clear is that chemistry itself is not an issue. While having such a spark may be exciting, the reality is that excitement, as with all other feelings, can change rapidly. Sometimes chemistry can masquerade as a connection due to the alluring feeling of feeling desired. Like dessert, it’s a compliment to a nourishing meal, but not the meal itself. We cannot build a healthy foundation on just being wanted because it doesn’t leave room for us to give of ourselves. It’s not uncommon for people to chase connections and relationships that are emotionally taxing for the sake of feeling the rush that comes with a temporary connection. 

What to look for — besides just chemistry?

Chemistry can be seen as the initial hook when attracting a potential partner, and it’s all the more exciting when the energy is reciprocated by the other person. But when it comes to sustaining for the long term, here are three other things to look for instead, especially as you are getting to know someone.

Curiosity

Curiosity refers to the genuine inquisitiveness that comes in the early stages of getting to know someone. Examples of this can be asking questions about the other person to get to know their character: how they think and why they think that way. It's important to note that curiosity is not an assessment to determine how the other person fits into your life, but rather, a process by which to discover who a person is and what values they hold. 

Compatibility

Compatibility is the process of being in alignment with one another in a way that allows both people to live in harmony. More specifically, this alignment happens in major life areas such as morals, vision for the future, belief systems, marriage goals, etc. As you get to know someone, curiosity will pave the way for you to explore whether or not someone is in alignment with you. This is why knowing how to ask the right questions often starts with intent: are your questions worded in such a way that you are fishing for information? Or are you asking questions that lead to deeper conversations that increase your curiosity about this person? A strong basis for quality questions begins with your own assurance of who you are and what you want; you cannot know what is best for you if you do not know or understand yourself first.  

Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable. In getting to know someone, it’s important to know how to disagree well and not be tempted to flee at the first sign of trouble. Be careful that you don’t become so conflict-avoidant that you incorrectly mislabel all conflict as negative. This means knowing the difference between a reaction and a response. A reaction is impulsive and without thought, like speaking out of anger and causing harm that you later regret. A response considers the view of the other person as well as your own; it’s thoughtful, slowed, and mindful. 

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Despite the challenges that today’s dating scene may bring, it is safe to say that most people are looking to be seen in some capacity. Because chemistry fulfills that need so intensely, it is only understandable that so many people are drawn to it. However, it’s important to remember that chemistry on its own will leave you wanting more and chasing more. A healthy connection, on the other hand, will leave you content.