Young people are grieving the futures they feel they’ll never have. Here’s how you can cope.

THERE’S HOPE, EVEN IN THE FACE OF UNCERTAINTY

By Jackie Menjivar

(Smart / Unsplash)

A lot of us grew up with certain ideas about what our futures would look like. Whether it came from your parents and family or the shows and movies you watched, the general “life plan” seems to include some basics: a degree, a job, a spouse, a home, and kids. That isn’t to say that everyone needs (or even wants) all those things. But it’s the kind of life that most people are raised to expect. 

Unfortunately, things don’t always work out the way we plan. Younger generations are trying to reconcile the future we were promised — lives like our parents and grandparents had — with the reality that we’re actually facing. More and more young people think they’ll never own a home, can’t afford kids, feel unsatisfied with their jobs, and are super stressed about the future of our planet. So yeah, that “life plan” may look a little different for us. 

You may not realize it, but those complicated feelings of anger, sadness, and hopelessness you feel when you think about your future have a name: grief. Just like you’d mourn the loss of a person, you can mourn the loss of a dream, expectation, or desire. If you’re feeling grief for your imagined future, you aren’t alone. Here’s how you can work through it. 

What does it mean to grieve for the future? 

Grief is a response to loss. With anticipatory grief, you’re expecting a loss that hasn’t happened yet. It’s usually used to describe the grief that people feel leading up to the death of someone they love, but it’s not limited to that. 

You can feel anticipatory grief for your hopes and dreams of the future — things like home ownership, parenthood, financial security, etc. It’s definitely possible to grieve something you’ve never had (or never will have). Even if nothing was physically taken from you, what you’re feeling is the loss of potential. 

Climate grief is another kind of future grief that a lot of young people are going through right now. You might mourn the potential loss of wildlife, ecosystems, and natural resources due to climate change.

The tricky thing about these kinds of grief is the uncertainty of it all — because, despite our best guesses, we don’t know exactly what the future holds. You might feel stuck between hoping for a better future and letting go of unrealistic expectations. That ambiguity can stir up a lot of different emotions. You might cycle through feelings of anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt. 

How can I manage my grief for the future? 

Feel the pain. Don’t run away from your feelings. Sit with them, and notice where you feel them in your body — like in your clenched fists, tightened chest, pounding heart, or trembling legs. Observe your feelings without trying to judge or interpret them. Be aware that you feel sad or angry or frustrated, and recognize them for what they are: temporary sensations. They may come back later, and you can feel them again when that happens, but they won’t last forever. 

Let go of shame. It’s normal to feel embarrassed or ashamed when you don’t meet your expectations (or other people’s expectations for you). Remember that you aren’t failing if your life doesn’t go to plan — you’re just heading in a different direction. Challenge the voice in your head that tries to tell you otherwise. “I don’t have the career that I thought I would have, and that makes me feel sad. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t good enough or that I didn’t work hard enough. This disappointment does not define me.”

Get to the root of your expectations. You may have some future goals that actually just stand in for other things. For example, wanting to own a house may be part of your need for independence or stability. And while home ownership can definitely help you get those things, it’s not the only option either. You may not own a home, but landing a long-term lease can still make you feel a sense of stability. Or if you live with your parents, build up your feelings of independence by maintaining your own space and routines. When your original plans feel out of reach, find other ways to get to the root of what you need. 

Embrace alternatives. The goal here is acceptance, not affection. You don’t have to love your job or living situation or any other not-so-great part of your life. You just have to be at peace with it. Don’t spend your mental energy ruminating on what you haven’t achieved or where you think you should be instead. Practice being mindfully in the present moment. 

Find your own fulfillment. Life is about doing the things that fill your heart. Those big, romanticized life milestones aren’t the only places to find meaning. Volunteer with a local organization, spend time with people you care about, or explore the hobbies or interests that you’re passionate about. You get to decide what’s valuable in your life.

Stop the comparisons. We know this one’s easier said than done. You can’t stop yourself from feeling a twinge of jealousy or disappointment when you see someone else achieve something that you haven’t. But try not to put yourself in that position in the first place. Stop social media stalking people who you think are doing better than you (block or limit accounts if you need to). Avoid the people IRL who constantly brag about themselves and make you feel small. Stop hate-scrolling through listings on Zillow or binge-watching those Architectural Digest home tours on YouTube. Life’s not a competition, so don’t make it one.

Connect with people. Bad news that’s also kinda good news: there is an entire generation of people going through the exact same disappointments and lost expectations that you are. When things feel hopeless, reach out to the people who can relate. Find the people you can commiserate with without getting unsolicited advice about what you should be doing instead. 

Nurture your hope.  Yes, things (rightfully!) feel dire sometimes. But you should still leave room for hope. Recognize when you veer into the territory of catastrophizing — jumping to the worst-case scenario, in a way that’s over-exaggerated. Even if your worries for the future are realistic, nothing is set in stone. It’s not about denying the possibility of a bad outcome, but balancing it with the possibility of a good (or neutral) one. 

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We’re not gonna sugarcoat it. There’s a lot to be worried about — financially, politically, environmentally, and more. The world is both better and worse than it’s ever been before. We just have to learn to live in that in-between space. Mourn what’s gone, embrace what’s coming, and find peace in the uncertainty. 

GriefKristina Benoist