What is self-gaslighting?
How to recognize and unlearn it
By Mia Barnes
(Anthony Tran / Unsplash)
One thing the internet has been really great at in recent years is spreading awareness of important relationship patterns — healthy and not-so-healthy..In an Instagram reel or TikTok you’ve watched this week, you’ve probably run into the term gaslighting — a type of emotional abuse that one person does to another to make them question their own judgment.
With gaslighting, the abuser in the situation might make the victim think their memories are wrong or tell them their feelings are unimportant. Abusers will deny they did or said something or deny they promised something to the victim. The gaslighter will continue these behaviors until the victim feels like they can’t trust anything they see, hear or feel. The goal is to make the victim feel like they can only rely on the abuser.
A reported 68% of gaslighting victims experience self-doubt and guilt because of this manipulation. Victims of gaslighting or people experiencing lots of self-doubt may find themselves dealing with another version of this experience:self-gaslighting. Self-gaslighting isn’t just about being hard on yourself — it’s when you constantly undermine your feelings and reality, making it harder to trust your instincts and experiences.
What is self-gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting happens when you invalidate your thoughts and emotions to the point where you question your reality. It’s like you’re convincing yourself that you’re wrong, even when your feelings are perfectly valid. While gaslighting involves someone else doing the manipulation, self-gaslighting comes from your own brain.
There are many reasons and circumstances that cause people to self-gaslight. It could be due to a history of psychological abuse, a pattern of negative self-talk or because they are a victim of gaslighting themselves. Psychology Today explains that self gaslighting can occur when someone’s reality is too uncomfortable for them to acknowledge.
You might brush off your anger or sadness by thinking, “I’m just being dramatic — it’s not a big deal,” or, “I should be over this already.” Over time, you can self-gaslight into this pattern of thinking. Eventually, you might damage your self-esteem, and be left feeling confused and disconnected from your thoughts and emotions. You’ll find yourself second-guessing everything.
Recognizing self-gaslighting thoughts and behaviors
Self-gaslighting can be tough to spot because it feels so normal. If you’ve ever dealt with imposter syndrome, you might recognize the denial of competence as a similar form of self-doubt. This constant invalidation of emotions or self-blame can mean you’re dealing with self-gaslighting.
Self-gaslighting can be subtle, but recognizing its patterns is the first step in breaking free. Here are some thoughts and behaviors to watch out for:
Dismissing your emotions: You catch yourself saying things like, “I’m being too sensitive,” or “I’m overreacting,” when something hurts or upsets you.
Second-guessing your memory: You often question your recollection of events or reactions. You might think you misheard, misremembered or incorrectly reacted when your memory is clear.
Blaming yourself: You frequently take responsibility for situations that aren’t your fault, or you feel like things are always your fault.
Minimizing achievements: When you accomplish something, you downplay it. You often tell yourself, “Anyone could have done that,” or, “That wasn’t a big deal.”
Feeling guilty: You could be experiencing self-gaslighting if you always feel bad for setting boundaries or standing up for yourself. You might feel like you’re being selfish or have difficulty setting reasonable boundaries.
Constantly apologizing: You apologize for expressing your feelings, even when they’re valid. You often feel like your emotions are inconveniencing other people.
If you’re seeing a regular pattern of these behaviors, you could be self-gaslighting. While these thoughts or actions might seem like a way to avoid conflict, they can erode your confidence and self-trust. Recognizing them is the first step toward breaking the cycle of self-gaslighting.
Unlearning self-gaslighting
Breaking free from self-gaslighting starts with giving yourself permission to feel. You need to allow yourself to feel and think about what comes to you. Getting out of the cycle is challenging, but you can do it with practice. Here are some strategies for unlearning self-gaslighting:
Challenge negative thoughts: When you catch yourself thinking negative self-thoughts, take a pause. Use this pause to stop and reframe your thoughts with something kinder.
Validate your feelings: Instead of immediately dismissing your emotions, acknowledge them. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel your emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them.
Trust your emotions: Trusting your feelings takes practice, especially when dealing with self-gaslighting. Notice how you feel and accept it without judgment. Remind yourself that your feelings matter.
Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness. Imagine you’re talking to a friend — would you let them speak about themselves the way you speak to yourself? Try to adjust your inner dialogue to be more compassionate and understanding.
Build a support system: Support systems are essential for improving your self-esteem and happiness. Spend time with people who respect and validate your feelings. Their encouragement can reinforce healthier thinking habits. Support systems also give you people to life you up when you’re questioning yourself.
Self-gaslighting can make it hard to believe your emotions and experiences. Use these strategies to recognize self-gaslighting thoughts and behaviors and start trusting yourself again. By validating your feelings and building positive habits, you can unlearn these patterns and reconnect with your inner voice. It’s important to remember that you deserve to be heard and understood.
Mia Barnes is a health and wellness freelance writer with a passion for mental health, healthy living and self care. Mia is also the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Body+Mind magazine. Follow Mia and Body+Mind on Twitter and Instagram @bodymindmag!