Waking Up From Postpartum Anxiety

How taking care of myself led to better caring for my baby

By Lindsey Benoit O'Connell

Photo by Matt Hoffman / Unsplash

Sometimes when you are in the thick of it, you can’t really see what is truly happening to you. It was about five months after having my son Hunter that I finally went out to lunch with my friend Gina. I had been back at work for two months, and prior to that, the idea of socializing seemed too overwhelming. I thought going out for lunch while at work was a great way to start seeing friends.

“Before having Hunter, I planned out what type of mom I’d be – chill, understanding, travel everywhere and just roll with it. But the reality was far different than the dream.”

I was sharing the minute-to-minute details of Hunter’s sleep patterns – and how I was obsessing over his naps – confessing how I often wept over whether he was getting enough sleep. After I explained his typical days, she sat back and said, “Hunter’s an easy baby. I’ve spent time with him and all this sound normal – good actually. I think there’s something else going on.” It was in that moment that I realized, “Oh gosh, the problem is me.”

Before having Hunter, I planned out what type of mom I’d be – chill, understanding, travel everywhere and just roll with it. But the reality was far different than the dream. Everything that was happening was playing out so different than what I envisioned. In the beginning, while it was overwhelming, I didn’t feel stressed. Sure I was nervous and worried as all new parents do, but I felt happy. I was having friends over to meet Hunter, I vacuumed when he napped, didn’t think twice when he would only nap for a short time or when he was cluster feeding every hour.

As time went on, things started to affect me more. No longer would I allow for any noise during naps (I even made my husband turn the volume down and put on the closed captions so we read the TV!). I’d rock Hunter for 30, 40, 50 minutes to ensure he was asleep before putting him in the crib. I started having horrible thoughts about him suffering from brain damage or severe learning disabilities if he didn’t sleep long enough. If we wanted to visit anyone or attend any family function, I would get into a panic when the nap would be, if he would nap in the car (what if he didn’t?),if people were going to be too loud, if the room was too bright – and this was before we even left the house. If we were out and he didn’t nap, I’d break down. I felt embarrassed about my behavior, self-conscious around friends and family – and that only made things worse.

Soon these little “what ifs” were all I could think about. The panic moments got worse – I’d curl up into a ball and sob, pull out my hair, bite pillows to muffle screams, cry in the shower often – but the worst was when my husband had to physically restrain me from hitting myself in the head at a visit to my sister’s home when Hunter didn’t fall asleep quick enough.

I chalked it up to new mom worries and stresses – until that lunch. Now that I was aware of it, I knew I wanted a solution, but I couldn’t see out of the dark, and often didn’t even know how bad it was when I was triggered.

“One day, we were having dinner and he very softly said to me, “We need you. When you are not good, we are not good.””

My husband, Brian, is a hands-on father and a very supportive partner, but even he has his limits. He would often say, “Linds, I’m not worried about Hunter. I’m worried about you.” He had to tiptoe around me fearing how I may react to any Hunter-related situation. One day, we were having dinner and he very softly said to me, “We need you. When you are not good, we are not good.” I knew that the anxiety was now affecting more than me, but my family. At that moment, I knew I needed to really focus on getting better.

As sleep seemed to be my biggest trigger, I enlisted the help of Jennifer Gilman, a sleep coach with Good Night Sleep Site. She helped me to get over my fear that Hunter couldn’t go to sleep without rocking him, formulated a plan to have him self-soothe and fall asleep on his own, and a schedule to follow so he would get the solid sleep he needed. Hunter took to the plan quickly and soon we were on our schedule and he was sleeping amazingly. I still stressed when he wasn’t sleeping enough, or he woke in the middle of the night. New worries crept in like the temperature of his room or obsessively debating if we should go in and soothe him, or let him cry a bit.

My anxiety started to creep away, but not entirely. I put a bandaid on the issue, but ultimately I needed to seek help and find an outlet for these feelings. I did my best to act as normal as I could, but I just didn’t feel happy. For my job, I am lucky to have the ability to interview experts on a number of topics. I was able to connect with leading doctors and psychologists to understand what was happening to me. I found out that while most people have heard of postpartum depression, with approximately 15 percent of new moms diagnosed with it each year, postpartum anxiety is not as often discussed, although an estimated 10 percent of moms are diagnosed with it each year, according to the American Pregnancy Association. The most common symptoms of postpartum anxiety are “persistent and excessive worries, feelings of tension, and inability to relax. Often these worries are focused on the baby, his or her health and safety,” writes The Center for Women’s Mental Health at Massachusetts General Hospital.

“The fact that there was an actual diagnosis for what was happening to me felt like a brick was lifted from my chest. I now had the research and information to use to find solutions.”

I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety. The fact that there was an actual diagnosis for what was happening to me felt like a brick was lifted from my chest. I now had the research and information to use to find solutions. I started opening up to friends and family to share what was going on with me. I began incorporating more self-care practices and found healthy outlets for the tension.

Now, a little over a year since having Hunter, I have made huge strides in my mental well-being. I am not going to tell you that I am 100 percent better. I’m not. I still physically react if Hunter wakes up mid-nap. I have to fight the urge to shush Brian when I think he is being loud. But, the pain in my chest is lighter and sometimes not there at all. I have amazing moments of feeling genuinely happy and they are far more than the bad ones. But, I have to work really hard to keep my anxiety in check. I wake up at 5 each day to have an hour to workout, take a nice shower and have some “Lindsey time” before the family wakes up. On the subway to work, I journal out all my worries and what I am grateful for, taking time to reflect and organize my thoughts. I talk to my mom, sister and mom-tribe often; and openly discuss my anxious thoughts.

I know I am a good mommy. I give my all to that adorable, funny, clever little man. I’m learning to be present and celebrate the great moments that happen each day. I am less hard on myself when the feelings creep up. The most important thing is that I no longer feel so alone. Sharing my struggles took away the pressure of feeling like I needed to be perfect–and has helped some of my friends open up about their own feelings. Postpartum depression and anxiety can feel debilitating, isolating and scary, but there are some amazing resources out there for you to get help. And know it’s ok to ask for it.

I don’t mind if you ask me about my postpartum anxiety, and you are not alone.

Lindsey Benoit O’Connel and her son, Hunter

Lindsey Benoit O'Connell is Thrive Global's Deputy Editor, Entertainment + Partnerships. Lindsey currently lives in Astoria, NY with her husband Brian and adorable son, Hunter Fitz.