The self-love struggle
FINDING MY SELF AND SELF-WORTH
By Graig Tertulien
(Erberhard Grossgasteiger / Unsplash)
For most of my life
I've sat with the idea of my existence
Questioning
If I am worth this life
Worth loving
Worth being
I can not look back to a time
Where I have truly said that I
Love myself or even like myself
I struggle to allow my mind and heart
To accept that self love
Inking my skin with the symbol of love
To remind and get myself
To one day allow that love
To be present within me
In the person I see in the mirror
In the person I hear speak
Watch, move, and tackle life's
Bountiful schemes
Most of this lack of self love
stems from
Being bullied in the past
With words
That stick with me like
"You're ugly"
"You stink"
"You're a lame"
"You're annoying"
"You suck"
"You failed"
"You sinned"
"You have disappointed me"
Sometimes I felt
That I wasn’t good enough
Because of constant moments of
Roars towards me for certain behaviors
That are considered
Bad
Irresponsible
Careless
Reckless or Sinful
Not perfect in God's eyes
Beating myself down mentally
Every time I mess up
From not following the word
The laws
The rules
Even when some of those things didn't
Coincide
With what I believed to be
"Good and true"
I allowed myself
To be tamed
Become a machine
For what I can not hear
And what can not see
I struggle to follow and do
What others would like me to do
Or what they'd like me to be
Losing myself in the process
Constantly overthinking
Anxious
From trying to please
Entertain
Conform
Just to hear
"I'm proud of you,
You're doing great"
I’ve been forced to be on a journey
Of pleasing
In order to gain love
Strength, confidence, and empathy
In hopes doing things "right"
Would help me see
Or gain
Some love for me
But then this inner battle
Rages on
Convincingly holding me down
From the bit of love
I believed I gained
From the growth that I believed
I had obtained
There are times I ask myself
Who are you?
Because sometimes I feel unsure
This introverted soul
Has been
Putting on masks
Since the beginning
Marching on marked paths
Trying to fit in
Working to put on smiles
Not wanting to be left out in the rain
Not wanting to be in this world alone
...All alone
I constantly put this introverted soul
In a cage
To avoid any mental or physical strain
My anxiety to initiate
And for any misconceptions
To come into play
Questioning every movement
Every action
Every word that could possibly take place
For hours before anything begins
This existential mind
Questions everything
The moments
Both good and bad
The changes
The person within
Does he truly live
When dislike and hate
Looms in his midst
I am not worthless
But I don't know
How to change this mind
How to permanently keep away these thoughts
Of perfection
In order to accept self love
To allow self love
And embrace it.
This piece was written and shared during the IDONTMIND Writing Workshop. Learn more about our free, nine-week course and be the first to know about the next workshop here. Visit Mental Health Connecticut’s YouTube channel for a video version of Graig’s story.
Graig Tertulien is a current Chicago actor and Improviser. He also has a passion for writing poetry, music, and screenplays.
