Talking mental health with parents who don’t get it (yet)
How to Approach Conversations With Compassion, Boundaries, and Facts
By Mia Barnes
(Phil Aiken / Unsplash)
Even if you’ve felt close to your parents your entire life, you might not have deep conversations about mental health. It’s a tricky subject for some older people to navigate. It can also feel personal when they close themselves off to your vulnerability.
We’re going to dive into the typical experiences people face while trying to connect with their parents on mental health. You’ll find fresh ideas to help close the emotional gap—or find peace in letting go.
It may feel like talking to a wall
No one enjoys getting into a conversation about something that puts them on edge. The topics differ for everyone, but there’s a chance that older parental figures may not be open to mental health discussions because they’ve spent a lifetime associating them with stigmas.
Your parents may view emotional discussions as signs of weakness or the ultimate off-limit topics. They could also feel uncomfortable becoming equally vulnerable if they manage life’s challenges by pushing through tough situations.
Unfortunately, you can’t dismantle their perception of social stigmas — they have to want to start that process for themselves. In the meantime, focus on what you can control: prioritize your own mental health.
Don’t let your compassion waver
Understanding helps people connect. Before focusing on how your parent’s rejection makes you feel, try to see the situation from their perspective. This shift could help you approach the conversation more effectively. For example, you might explain mental health in relatable terms, like comparing the brain to a muscle that needs regular exercise to stay strong.
As you continue practicing openness about your mental health, these conversations may become easier. Taking this approach could also reveal new insights — for instance, recognizing that your parent may have never had access to a therapist. Research shows two-thirds of areas lacking mental health professionals are rural regions and decades ago, mental health was regularly treated through institutionalization, furthering assumptions and stigma.
By considering their perspective and potential barriers, you may find new ways to maintain compassion and approach these tough conversations with more empathy and patience. This understanding could make it easier to find common ground or at least navigate discussions without added frustration.
Prepare yourself with facts
Once you identify a potential reason why your parents don’t enjoy talking about mental wellness topics, you could focus on the facts. Removing your personal opinions or emotions may disarm the situation by eliminating their vulnerability trigger.
Discuss how the mind works from a scientific perspective. Your parents may listen more readily to textbook facts. Any relevant research could keep the conversation on topic without making them uncomfortable.
(It’s worth noting that this isn’t a perfect solution. If your parents don’t appreciate you knowing more about mental health subjects than they do, citing facts might come across as patronizing. They may feel like you’re talking down to them and choose to leave the conversation, regardless of your intentions.)
Enforce your boundaries
For some, forming an emotional bridge with their parents feels like an essential goal. This may stem from their upbringing or unresolved personal challenges. However, if you feel this way, it’s important to remember that setting boundaries is crucial for protecting your emotional health.
It isn’t healthy to force yourself into painful conversations, hoping your parents will eventually become more open or less defensive. Doing so may leave you feeling emotionally raw, hurt, and triggered.
Boundaries act as protective limits, prioritizing your well-being over the need to connect. For example, you might allow one or two negative comments during a conversation while trying a new approach. If the negativity escalates to verbal aggression, your boundary could be stepping away from the discussion to protect yourself.
Working with a therapist can help you define and strengthen these boundaries. Start by creating at least one boundary that helps you stay calm and grounded during interactions. Remember, your emotional well-being is worth prioritizing and protecting.
Suggest neutral resources
Some people don’t want to talk about mental wellness with their kids because they still have a parent-child view of the relationship. You might experience greater success by introducing neutral resources.
Attending family therapy sessions or reading a therapy-related book together could generate the conversations you want to have. Podcasts may also be a helpful tool. Many mental health ones introduce perspectives from professionals who may have more influence on your parents than anyone else. It may be worth trying if they seem open to chatting but you haven’t found a way to make it happen.
Some parents get it, some parents don’t
No matter which discussion strategies you try or how long you try them, you have to do what’s best for your mental well-being. If trying to explain things to your parents only opens old wounds or causes conflict, it’s okay to take a step back.
Mia Barnes is a health and wellness freelance writer with a passion for mental health, healthy living and self care. Mia is also the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Body+Mind magazine. Follow Mia and Body+Mind on Twitter and Instagram @bodymindmag!