My shadow
A STORY OF HOW I MET, SUFFERED WITH, AND LEARNED TO LIVE WITH MY SOCIAL ANXIETY
(Ricardo Gomez Angel / Unsplash)
Growing up I’ve met and dealt with a lot of shadows. Sometimes the shadows take their form in problems, like a math test I didn’t study enough for, and sometimes they take form in people, like a school bully. Sometimes shadows only last for a brief moment in time, such as an upset parent who later apologizes, and sometimes they last forever like trauma inevitably does.
This is how I met my shadow called Social Anxiety.
Growing up I’ve always been shy, and having moved a lot as a kid, making friends was never easy for me. So, I grew to rely on myself. Even though I had a loving family, they just didn’t understand.
Then I met him and I thought everything was going to be okay. He had been sweet, a little quirky, but I grew to really like that about him. He had a carefree and wild nature to him, and when he held me for the first time…I never wanted him to let go. And he didn’t. He dug his vile claws into my heart and soul and ripped them apart like a savage animal, and left me for dead. Lying, manipulation, and violation are just a few of the words that come to mind. He was the worst shadow I’ve met. But his shadow created an even darker one, one over time I’d have to learn to live with.
My Social Anxiety.
Because of the trauma from this terrible relationship suddenly everyone became a potential shadow. On my best days my social anxiety would whisper about how people just secretly judged me.
“His clothes are weird.”
“Why does he talk like that?”
“He looks like a loser.”
And those are just more innocuous words my shadow would put in people’s unmoving mouths.
Oh, but on darker days, this shadow would whisper far more irrational things, and yet I would believe them.
My social anxiety would take my imagination and allow my mind to wander as I was walking down a street, trying to get to class and often it would show me as I was at first, I’d be walking and a rough hand would grab me and throw me against a nearby wall, a knife would be in their hand and already aimed for my throat and then- “stop”, I would tell it.
Just Stop.
I always made sure to never let my social anxiety get that far. To weaponize my imagination like that, the thing I prided myself on so often.
Everyday I’d smile. I’d be as friendly as I could because that was what I was supposed to do, even if the shadow inside told me to run and hide. To be afraid. To be on guard all the time. And I was. I held an invisible shield every day and held people at arm’s length. It was safer that way and for a time even peaceful, not having to worry about other people. But it was also lonely.
I had seen the professionals. I let them finally name my shadow for what it was. A fancy brand of broken. Humans are social creatures and I was afraid of being social, that was what they told me.
I had let myself be dragged into the dark by my shadow. A place where I was alone with no one to listen to but it.
I kept going to see the professionals. Over time their smiles seemed more genuine. Their words at times would set off sparks in the dark.
And the strangest thing began to happen. My shadow. My own little liar. Began to change. No longer was it the dark, ethereal, being trying to deceive me, but a scared child who had been hurt too many times. A child who just wanted to be hugged and taken care of.
For so long I wanted to part ways from my shadow, but trying to only made its lies louder, and now I knew why. They were not lies my shadow whispered; they were warnings. But more than that they were cries for help to not abandon this broken part of me like I had been abandoned so many times.
I continued seeing the professionals. Their little office now warm and inviting where before it had been cold and dark. I began to work with my social anxiety, began to see it differently, and even became friends with him…
Yes him, no longer an it.
I...we have come a long way since then. And my shadow still has bad days, days where he just needs more attention, like any small child does and that is okay.
I know not everyone can make friends with their shadows, some are much bigger and scarier, and I know as far as shadows go I’m pretty lucky. But I hope that one day at least everyone will be able to at the very least talk about our shadows openly. So that one day, maybe, perhaps, we can bring our shadows into the light where we can all shine together.
This piece was written and shared during the IDONTMIND Writing Workshop. Learn more about our free, nine-week course and be the first to know about the next workshop here. Visit Mental Health Connecticut’s YouTube channel for a video version of Braedon’s story.
Braedon is an aspiring writer who wants to use his words to inspire and inform. He also loves singing, swimming, and teaching students about writing in all its forms.
