Five words
hOW i lost myself in an unhealthy relationship
By Ashley Imoto
(Master Unknown / Unsplash)
The sentence that broke me: "I can't do this anymore."
Five words. It only took five little words to break me. How weak of me, right?
I could handle the "I don't have time for us" or the "dates are too expensive." I could handle the "we can still be friends" or the "I think we’ve finished all our growing together." I could handle the “you’re asking for too much” or the “I can’t give you what you need.” I could handle the "I need to step away because I don't want to hurt you" or the "you deserve better than me."
But those five words were the final taps on my heart to have it all shattered into a million little pieces that looked like drops of rain falling from the sky.
For months, I repeated those words back to myself. "I can't do this anymore." The dark thoughts came back around. "I can't do this anymore." I’m so stupid for letting you go. I hate myself for letting you get in that damn truck and drive away. "I can't do this anymore." I hate that I pushed so hard to keep you, when your heart was already gone. What am I supposed to do now that you’ve moved on? "I can't do this anymore." I swear, I made you smile more than he does. He doesn’t deserve you. "I can't do this anymore." Without you, I am nothing. "I can't do this anymore." Everything reminds me of you. This pain in my chest hurt more and more with every beat of my heart. Oh, God. "I can't do this anymore." I don’t want to be happy when you’re not here because for so long, I wasn't allowed to be happy if you weren’t. “I can’t do this anymore.” I don’t want to breathe when you’re not here because for so long, you promised that you’d be here until my last breath. "I can't do this anymore." I don’t want to live another second of this life when you’re not here because for so long, we planned so many futures together, but we never planned for the one without each other. “I can’t do this anymore.”
Please just make it stop…fucking…hurting… I don’t want to hurt anymore. Just let me rest.
"I can't do this anymore." I can't live like this anymore.
The cracks in my heart allowed the light to come in. "I can't do this anymore." No more self-deprecation. No more self-sabotage. "I can't do this anymore." No more self-isolating. No more starving myself. “I can’t do this anymore.” My boys need their strong superhero role model to guide and protect them. "I can't do this anymore." My brother needs me to start that podcast with him, where we can talk for hours on end about anything and everything. "I can't do this anymore." My aunts need me to be their other little sister that they never had. "I can't do this anymore." My parents need me to make them proud and do something great with this last name. "I can't do this anymore." My grandparents need me to bring home some grandbabies and carry on their stories. "I can't do this anymore."
My family believes in me, so that's gotta count for something, right? "I can't do this anymore."
The sentence that saved me: "My family believes in me."
Five words. They’re just words. How could they save you?
I got out of bed today because my family believes in me. I tried to eat all three meals today because my family believes in me. I am so much stronger because my family believes in me. I started showing up to family events again because my family believes in me. I tell them how much I love them because my family believes in me. I care deeper because my family believes in me. I take myself on dates because my family believes in me. I wink at myself in the mirror because my family believes in me. I love myself more than I ever have in my entire life because my family believes in me.
I am standing here today because my family believes in me.
Finally, the sentence that healed and continues to heal me: “I love myself, for me.”
Five words. If five little words can break a heart, they can heal it, too, right?
I love myself for me because I am a comedian, and no one can make people laugh like me. I love myself for me because I am a giver, and no one can care as deeply as I do for random strangers like me. I love myself for me because I am a fighter, and no one can protect the people that I care about like me. I love myself for me because I am a writer, and no one can tell my stories like me. I love myself for me because out of 7 billion people in the world, there will never be someone like me, and no one can ever fill the space I hold like me.
I love myself, for me, because I am the healer of my heart.
I love myself, for me, because I am the savior of my soul.
I love myself, for me, because I am the lover of my life.
Thank you to my Ohana for being my anchor that prevented me from drifting off to sea and the compass to find my way home to me. Thank you for getting me here. If you take anything from this, please take these reminders:
We’re family. You don’t need to say you’re sorry.
You will find your peace and happiness again and it will fill your heart to the fullest.
Just know that the people that matter are here for you and love you just the way you are.
Ashley Imoto is a writer who focuses on writing pieces that are vulnerable, emotional, yet inspiring.
This piece was written and shared during the IDONTMIND Writing Workshop. Learn more about our free, nine-week course and be the first to know about the next workshop here. Visit Mental Health Connecticut’s YouTube channel for a video version of Ashley’s story.