Healing from heartbreak
4 ways to cope with relationship endings
By Dineka Ringling
(Ayana Wyse / Unsplash)
Breakup. It’s such a dreaded situation, one that we may go to great lengths to avoid, but one that’s often inevitable. Almost every person deals with heartbreak at some point in their lives, which is obvious from the sheer amount of music, books, movies, and art that exist about it. If you find yourself dealing with a breakup, it might feel nice to realize that you’re not alone in your struggles. Almost every other human on the planet has been through a situation like yours, and you won’t feel like this forever. You’re going to be okay, but we all know it can be hard to remember that when you’re going through the worst of your heartbreak. Luckily, there are a bunch of tips and tricks to help you get through a breakup, from setting healthy boundaries to keeping yourself busy!
Give yourself time
Many people feel a strong urge to “get over” the breakup as fast as possible. You might want to show your ex and your peers that you’re doing fine and unbothered by the breakup, but according to mental health professional Kathryn Lee, “the only way out is through.” She says that giving yourself both physical and emotional space from the breakup and relationship allows you to reflect on the situation and hopefully gain some clarity on why the breakup happened. Not only that, but allowing yourself time to feel your feelings will help you out a ton in the long run.
Having physical space from the relationship (ie, breaking off contact with your ex, at least for a little bit) will allow you to take a step back from the situation and give you the mental headspace to process the intense, sometimes conflicting emotions on your own. Staying in consistent contact with your ex can lead one or both of you to say hurtful things to the other when you’re dealing with your difficult emotions. A break, even if it’s only a day or two, can give you both the space to feel angry, hurt, or sad without saying or doing something you might regret. Similarly, give yourself time to move on. Don’t feel pressured to get back into dating or move on from the relationship on any particular timeline. Everyone manages grief and heartbreak differently, and attaching a strict timeline on when you should feel back to normal will only set up potentially unrealistic expectations and bring more disappointment. Instead, give yourself the gift of setting yourself free from expectations on managing breakups and let yourself just exist as you are, for whatever length of time that requires. Lee says, “Allow yourself to be confused, angry, sad, hurt. Embrace the feelings now; if you don’t address it now it will likely come up later. This can be one of the greatest acts of self-love and respect post-breakup.”
Forgive yourself
Guilt and shame can be common emotions after breakups. You may feel like the breakup is your fault or that you caused the other person to suffer in some way. It’s important to remember that most breakups are caused by many factors and it’s not usually just one person’s fault. Giving yourself compassion and forgiving yourself can be a major step in healing from heartbreak. A study from The Journal of Positive Psychology showed that people who engaged in self-forgiveness exercises were less likely to develop unhealthy habits like disordered eating, as well as reporting significantly more self-forgiving beliefs and fewer feelings of remorse. If you’re struggling with feelings of guilt or shame, check out IDONTMIND’s “6 ways to move past your mistakes” to practice self-forgiveness exercises and cultivate greater self-compassion.
Keep yourself busy
While it’s a good idea to give yourself time to analyze the relationship and feel your feelings, it’s important to not completely give in to difficult feelings like despair. Filling your time with fun and engaging activities can be a great way to give yourself some space from thinking about the breakup. Are there any hobbies you’ve been ignoring lately? This can be a great time to reignite your love for them. What about any new hobbies or activities you’ve been wanting to try? There’s no time like the present! Whether it’s embroidery, pickleball, or chess, picking up an activity will help keep your brain and hands busy, plus you’ll learn something new! Learning new skills has been shown to positively affect mental health, increasing your mental resiliency and improving your outlook on life.
Nourish yourself
Taking care of yourself can feel extremely difficult when dealing with grief from a relationship, but it’s super important to nourish your body and mind when you’re dealing with difficult emotions. If you start neglecting self-care, you’ll only end up feeling worse, both physically and emotionally. You might find it helpful to set alarms or timers to remind yourself to do things like eat, drink water, and move your body. With eating, the goal is truly to make sure you eat something. If you’ve done that, you’re doing pretty well. This article can help you out if you’re really struggling here. If you’re having an easy time eating, nourish your body with whole foods — try not to survive solely on junk food, as tempting as it may be. This website has a ton of recipes that take 30 minutes or less to make and focuses on using unprocessed ingredients.
If you need a little extra encouragement in the self-care department, gamifying the process might help! Oxford Languages defines gamification as “applying typical elements of game playing (e.g. point scoring, competition with others, rules of play) to an activity”, and doing this with your self-care activities can make the entire process feel much easier and more exciting. There are a ton of different apps that can help you with this, but my favorite is Finch (download on App Store or Google Play), which is labeled “Your Self-Care Pet”. It feels reminiscent of Tamagotchis in the early 2000s, but you take care of your pet by completing the self-care goals you set for yourself. Apps like these can be extremely helpful in giving you the extra motivation to continue taking care of yourself.
Lean on your support group
It can be tempting to isolate yourself in your room and listen to Olivia Rodrigo for days, never talking to another human again. While there can be benefits to getting some alone time to process your emotions, you definitely shouldn’t go overboard. Humans are incredibly social creatures who do best with a community of supporters, and you are no different. Reach out to your family, friends, and other loved ones and lean on them for support. Even if you don’t want to talk about the breakup, just being in another person’s company can help your mental health a ton. Doing an activity together, like playing board or card games, can be a great way to distract yourself and have some fun with a friend or family member without necessarily having to talk about the breakup.
—
This really can’t be stressed enough: You will be okay. It may not feel like it right now, but every day will get a little easier. Feel your feelings, take care of yourself, and lean on the people around you. Give yourself compassion throughout the process — heartbreak is tough to deal with and you’re trying your best. Live in the present moment as much as possible and try to do activities that make you happy — every little bit will help your mental health going forward.
If you’re worried about the effects of a breakup in your life, take a mental health screen and reach out to a medical professional.