Emerging from shadows: A journey through depression
NAVIGATING THE DARKNESS, FINDING HOPE, AND SHATTERING THE STIGMA
By Dina Najjar
Time stopped. The world seemed grey. And the numbness took over. That is how it felt for five years. I walked to school every day feeling empty, not noticing the small moments in life that I usually appreciate. How did a young person, apparently blessed with an enviable life, fall into this abyss? It crept in gradually. I failed to recognize the fatigue and the erosion of my self-esteem. I didn’t notice the tiredness and the low self-confidence. I didn’t see how I slept through the days and ate one meal per day. Until time passed and I realized that no one else in my environment was like me. People around me were motivated, happy, and outgoing. While I was the opposite. As I ventured further into my own darkness, the cries of hopelessness echoed in the chambers of my heart. There were moments when I questioned my own existence, when life seemed like an unending battle with no hope for victory.
I scoured the internet, desperately seeking answers to the enigma of my unhappiness. The word "depression" repeatedly surfaced as I delved into the depths of my inquiries. Depression? What an alien concept. Was it real, or was I merely conjuring these symptoms? After all, I'd heard countless stories of people enduring far worse. Why on earth would I be afflicted by such a condition? After a long time of feeling unreal, empty, and worthless, a crushing realization struck me: hopelessness. It clawed its way to the surface of my life, a dark presence that threatened to consume me whole. I couldn't envision a way out of this abyss. I yearned for an end to this torment, so I began my quest for help. Yet, I was determined to keep my struggle hidden from others; the stigma surrounding mental health issues loomed like an insurmountable obstacle. I felt ashamed and believed I'd become a burden if I were to speak up. Who would believe a girl who seemed to lead a life far more comfortable than those who struggled just to put food on the table?
I tried meditation, praying to a higher power, and being more social by hanging out with friends. But at last, that didn’t help. they offered a glimmer of hope, a flicker of relief from the relentless pain. However, the emptiness and hopelessness remained, unyielding.
I was raised in a deeply conservative household, rooted in a strong religious tradition. Admitting to mental illness didn't align with my family's beliefs. As the burden of constant suicidal thoughts became unbearable, I finally reached a breaking point. I wanted to feel okay, not happy or over the moon but genuinely okay without feeling the constant tiredness of living. I did the bravest thing I’ve ever done.
At the age of 17, I summoned the courage to seek help. It began with a visit to the guidance counselor. Tears streamed down my face in front of her, and I couldn't help but feel like an unbearable weight on her shoulders. It was in that moment that I realized that I was not alone, that my pain was not a burden but a shared experience, a burden that could be lightened when carried together. She encouraged me to seek professional assistance, and I did. The path was daunting, and my fear of judgment and dismissal was overwhelming. When the sessions started with my psychologist I could see myself getting better. That feeling will forever be etched in my memory. I felt like I was floating on cloud nine, a sensation I hadn't even sought but will forever be grateful for. After a year of therapy, I had gained a better grasp of my mental health. I understood that it wasn't something to be completely eradicated from my life but rather managed and accepted as part of me. The struggle endures, as it does for all humans who grapple with their thoughts and emotions. Today, I'm on a path to becoming a psychologist, driven by the desire to assist others facing similar challenges. I received the help I needed, but there are countless others out there who require it just as much as I did. I am committed to contributing to the ongoing destigmatization of mental health, believing that it is as vital as physical health. Some may argue that physical and psychological health are separated into two different components; however, I have to disagree. They are intricately linked, each impacting the other in profound ways. By sharing this, I hope to touch your hearts, to bridge the gap between understanding and empathy, and to be a part of the collective effort to destigmatize mental health, one story at a time. We were indeed created for greatness, and I believe that greatness lies in our ability to understand, support, and uplift one another through the darkest storms of life.
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Dina is a 22-year-old individual from a Middle Eastern household in Sweden. Her life's narrative took an emotional turn at the age of 14 when she embarked on a profound journey through depression. Despite these early challenges, she is now three years into her five-year journey towards becoming a psychologist. Her experiences have fueled her passion for mental health advocacy, shaping her into a compassionate advocate for breaking the silence surrounding these vital conversations.