Don't press me, I'm antidepressant

The challenges of taking your medication when you know it’s the right thing to do for your mental health

I was 14 when I was diagnosed as having Bipolar. The first time I was prescribed Lexapro for being Bipolar, I was 23. It’s interesting what medication can do.

For years, I’ve struggled with addiction issues. While the specific addiction never lasted, I was always just jumping on to the next thing that made my brain create the happy chemicals like dopamine and serotonin. Regular brains produce these chemicals on their own. They help aid in feeling pleasure and regulating depression and anxiety. Unfortunately for me, my brain does not do this on its own. So, I’ve been prescribed an SSRI, or an antidepressant.

I remember for years I didn't believe I needed medication and that idea was echoed by some of the people I know and love. They also told me or suggested the drugs wouldn’t work. And honestly that wasn't fair to me. I should've known what was best for me at the time but that's okay because it was definitely a life lesson I needed to learn on my own. Good for me because now I know what's best for me.

So when I was in my early 20s, I was severely struggling with PMDD, or premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I decided to research the best ways I could help myself. Did you know that PMDD can severely affect your mood, especially when you already have a mood disorder? I didn't. So I finally ventured on my own to get medication. A step in the very right direction for myself. I hadn't been on medication since I was 18, so I had no idea what to expect. I gave them my mental health history as honestly as I could, and when the doctor heard everything, he prescribed me Lexapro.

I was honestly a little excited. It was a chance to help my brain function a little more normally. I couldn't wait. I got my prescription filled and took my first dose immediately. I know they say the effects of antidepressants can take anywhere from two to three weeks but, I have to say, I felt this almost instantly. Call it a placebo effect, call it euphoria, call it whatever you want. I felt amazing. That also very much could've been the side effects of a new medication, but ultimately, I felt relief. I took my medication daily, right after I woke up. I felt something again. Hopeful, mostly.

Here’s the thing about taking your meds, You start to feel great and things seem just fine. So then you stop. And for me that looks something like accidentally skipping a dose. But it’s okay because I’ll remember it tomorrow. Until tomorrow comes and I forget again. It’s okay though because I still feel great! And then tomorrow turns into a week. A week turns into a month.

Why do I feel like this? I thought I was okay. I need instant relief. So I self medicate. I’m back on drugs again. Still anxious, still depressed. The cycle continues for years. When will I ever learn?

Everyone who wants help eventually reaches a breaking point. Call it an epiphany, a vision, or even a dark realization, but one day I finally had mine. I was on the bender of a lifetime. No, that’s not meant to sound glamorous. Just the opposite, in fact. Going for weeks on end on drugs is probably the most miserable thing I’ve ever done. Your emotions are amplified, you’re not taking care of yourself, and the only thing you’re thinking about is how you’re going to score again.

Every day I woke up, I was miserable. I couldn’t breathe, my chest hurt. I thought the only thing that would make me feel better were more drugs. It was my answer to everything. But doing drugs is short lived.

One day I woke up and realized, I didn’t want to do this anymore. I can’t. And if it wasn’t for that realization, I wouldn’t be here today. I hope by sharing my struggles with addiction and taking my medication that others will be inspired to rethink and realize that medication can really help. Self medicating is not the way and it’s better to feel even than getting high every day.

Etty has been writing her entire life. She currently has two books available on Amazon. She has been sober for 6 years and is currently doing very well managing her Bipolar Disorder.

This piece was written and shared during the IDONTMIND Writing Workshop. Learn more about our free, nine-week course and be the first to know about the next workshop here. Visit Mental Health Connecticut’s YouTube channel for a video version of Etty’s story.