Ask a Therapist: COVID-19

ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH AND CORONAVIRUS WITH AIMEE FALCHUK

For some people, therapy is about understanding yourself and how you relate to the world around you. That becomes increasingly difficult when we don’t even recognize our current world. It’s okay to have questions right now. It’s okay to be worried. It’s okay to not be okay. And it’s more important than ever to check in with yourself.

Our Ask a Therapist series gets answers to your questions about mental health from real therapists. Right now, we’re focusing on questions about mental health related to the global pandemic. We’re here for you. Follow @idontmind on Instagram for more and a chance to ask questions of your own.

Today’s therapist is Aimee.

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Hanging out with my friends helps my mental health. What do I do now that I can’t see them?

Physical distancing doesn’t mean social disconnect. And in some ways, as our world slows down a bit, social connection may be better — deeper and more genuine — than it was before. People may be less distracted and more present for connection.

If you have access to technology that allows for it, keep seeing them! Set up daily or weekly check-ins with each other. You can also be creative in how you use the time. You can even exercise and watch movies or TV shows together (remotely of course).

When your friends aren’t available to connect, see if there are things you can do on your own that remind you that you aren’t alone in this world. That you belong and are part of something grand. These things can include reading or writing about a subject that interests you, joining online groups or classes or listening to music. Connect to the things that have meaning for you and remind you that life is still here and meaningful. This is also a profound way to further build on our own internal resources. That feels very important.

I am having a hard time silencing the doomsday fears. Any suggestions?

First, it makes sense that you might have these fears. And yet the fact that you ask the question tells me that you know it doesn’t have to be this way — at least not all the time. There is a lot of uncertainty and unforeseen change at this time and uncertainty and change often breed fear.  Fear can make us collapse, deny, control or panic. It can make us feel helpless.

But we don’t have to feel helpless. We can empower ourselves by choosing to take some full and deep breaths and connecting to the ground. When we are afraid we tend to hold our breath — all the energy moves up into our heads where our thoughts — often distorted — run wild.  When the energy goes up we can feel disconnected from the ground that supports us. This has the effect of making us feel more afraid. So find ways to breathe and to ground.

You can also empower yourself by tracking and expressing the feeling in your body. Observe how you feel in your body and in your emotions. Move, make sound, stomp your feet, scream out “I don’t like this!” Let the energy move. When we feel fear we have a tendency to hold on tight or freeze. Movement allows for feeling and feeling can allow for greater understanding or awareness, which can help us come to greater acceptance of what is. 

You can empower yourself by getting curious about uncertainty and change. What is it that feels so doomsday and scary about change? Get to know your relationship with change and uncertainty. What do you imagine it to mean?  If uncertainty and change were a character in a story how would you describe it? Is it devilish? Is it here to trick you? Is it a messenger with an important message? Is it a gift? Get creative about it.  

Lastly, see if you can become a compassionate observer of the part of you that has the doomsday fears. Maybe ask it some questions. Ask it “what are you so afraid of?” “What is it about what’s going on that scares you so?” “Is there any other possibility here?” Treat that part of you like you would any scared child. Be real and reassuring. 

What’s the best way to support a stressed loved one who is going to be on the front lines in the hospital?

Remind them they are loved and supported, that you are with them even from afar. Gently remind them to practice self-care whether it's staying hydrated, taking a minute for themselves or reaching out for support.  Be there to listen but be patient with them if they don’t want to talk. We all have our own ways of managing stressful situations. 

If it feels right and it is safe for you to do so, maybe offer to help out with those things that your loved one may be concerned about but not able to get to — like watering their plants or feeding their pet, etc.  

If there is a way through your voice, be an activist to ensure front line workers get what they need by way of supplies and other necessary support.  

Lastly, express gratitude for their service. You don’t need to make them heroes, for some on the front line can actually feel burdened by that label, but thank them for their willingness to stand on the front line and make the personal sacrifices they are making. 

I want to follow the news but I feel like my anxiety is getting worse every day. What should I do?

I might suggest you limit your news viewing. Perhaps identify for yourself what basic information you feel like you need to know each day and then limit your viewing to that. Then do something that feels more nourishing. Read, write or draw. Play a game. Meditate. Move your body. Make contact with someone. Get some fresh air. Be with your feelings. 

Sometimes behaviors can become compulsions – as a way to manage feelings we don’t know how to be with.  Tuning into your body and your feelings and then taking care of them in different — less anxiety-producing ways — is perhaps the task here. So for example, maybe watching the news feeds the need to feel some semblance of control by knowing exactly what is going on. The task here may be to help yourself tolerate the loss of control. 

Find ways to be with the truth that the only thing you may have control over is your own internal experience. Turn the focus away from the TV and inward towards your own feelings. Build that muscle of tolerating not having to know — and always having control. 

You may actually find some freedom in that!

How can I start to feel uplifted when nothing in the world is positive right now? 

I guess my first question would be, is that really true? Is there nothing positive in the world right now? Just close your eyes and breathe into that question. Feel into what is true and not true about that belief.

As for feeling uplifted, I might invite you to feel the humanity of this moment. We are all touched by this in some way. We are all being asked to be part of the solution. We are all being asked to be good neighbors and citizens. We are all in this together. 

Is there something about that which feels uplifting? 

I might also invite you to keep a gratitude list. Remind yourself on a daily basis of what you are grateful for — from the sun coming up in the morning. to a good cup of coffee, a song you love, a person in your life, for all the people trying to do their part and everything in between.

Lastly, maybe the teaching for us in this moment is to not feel so good. There is much pain and suffering during this time and so much is changing at a rapid speed. That doesn’t always feel good. And that’s ok. Maybe putting pressure on yourself to ‘feel good’ is too much pressure — and not realistic. 

In our culture, we think of things in terms of good and bad, happy or sad. We think we have to always be on the easier side of that coin but maybe the task here is to just find acceptance of what is — to be in the experience of what is — good or bad and become teachable in this place. 

How do I deal with the sudden overflow of racism and negativity as an Asian American?

First, I am so sorry if you are experiencing any kind of discrimination at this time — or any other time. It is truly awful. 

It's quite amazing what happens to people when they become afraid. Fear narrows our focus and thinking. It limits our focus to what is safe and what is a threat. It often puts us in a state of otherness, where ‘others’ becomes a threat to our survival. Fear may elicit a need to blame someone or some group of people. Such scapegoating is a sort of out-sourcing, a way to not have to take responsibility for our own feelings, especially feelings of powerlessness. ‘If I can make it about you — the other — then I don’t have to feel my own feelings about what is happening and acknowledge my part in co-creating it, allowing for it to happen or solving for it.’ 

How do you deal with it? First and foremost, trust in your goodness and the goodness of your heritage. Know that the projection of fear onto you is not your doing nor your responsibility to fix. Feel the love and support of those around you and find ways to set firm boundaries with those who bring such negativity towards you. If you feel physically unsafe you may need to contact your local authorities.  

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Follow @idontmind on Instagram for more Ask A Therapist answers and a chance to ask questions of your own.

Aimee Falchuk, MPH, M.Ed, CCEP is a psychotherapist in Massachusetts and Certified Core Energetics Practitioner. She facilitates personal growth programs around the country and writes and lectures on psycho-spiritual topics and themes. She is a Board Member of Mental Health America and the Hadassah Foundation. To learn more about Aimee’s work visit goop.com/goop-authors/aimee-falchuk/ and thefalchukgroup.com.

Content is for informational purposes only and is not meant to serve as medical advice or to replace consultation with your physician or mental health professional.