A relationship? Never again.
HOW YOUR MENTAL HEALTH CAN IMPACT YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
By Cindy Ecclesiastre
(Marta Esteban Fernando / Unsplash)
I am never going to be in a relationship again!
That’s what I posted to all of my thousands of followers in all of my social media profiles to view, read, retweet, share, and comment. It was one of those statuses where it was typed in all caps and had several of that fuming emoji - the one with the smoke coming out of its nose. Woooo boy, was I pissed. Another terrible date. Based on his Bumble profile I knew he didn’t have any of the 26 qualifications I look for in my future partner. This date had the audacity to make me pay for both of our meals — saying how he likes his woman to be the breadwinner of the relationship..something about times have changed? Such a waste of my time.
Anyway, there was something therapeutic about releasing that statement for the whole world to read and see. After hitting send, I can’t tell you how it made me feel sooo good. But, they always say, be careful what you post on social media. And I agree, because low and behold, 90 days later I was posting that I was in love. Yeah, not that ‘was falling in love’, love, but that ‘ I was in love’, love. Yup, I truly met the man of my dreams, my best friend, my true soulmate, my other half. And he had all but one of the qualifications. Fine with me because having a guy who is 6’7 is overrated and kinda hard to find.
Over the next several months, our friendship grew, our relationship strengthened, and we brought added joy to each other. We shared our deepest and darkest secrets, our strengths and weaknesses, our mental health struggles and traumatic past experiences. Who knew how beautiful it is to be in love with your best friend who has his own struggles, traumas, and fears? A best friend who truly gets it?
We started making plans for the future. Talks of getting married, buying homes, investing in money and property, starting a family. One of the most important things was promising to put our mental health first. To remind ourselves that we are more than our mental illnesses. To understand that until we take care of and love ourselves, we will never be able to fully love and take care of each other. In the beginning, that promise was easy to follow. But what happens when although things are amazing on the outside, things start crumbling on the inside? I found myself struggling to keep up with making my mental health a priority.
I also didn’t want to be the girlfriend who was in weekly therapy, on antidepressants..blah blah.. That’s not sexy. I wanted a life where my mental illness was not in the way. And I just felt life getting darker. Talk about worst possible timing. Please, not now. Communication was key for the both of us but how could I tell him that despite all the opportunities and support around me I just felt down and unmotivated more and more? Uh oh, I am not okay.
I thought I conquered these thoughts and feelings a couple years ago. I thought depression, anxiety, PTSD, and OCD would have gone away on its own by now. Although he was battling his own struggles, he would always ask me every day how he could help. I am the type to never ask for help and especially not from the man I love who was doing everything right in his life. He was taking care of his mental health which allowed him to take care of himself, his wellness, his finances, and to set bigger goals and aspirations. Why couldn’t I be that way? Why is it that everyone around me was taking on their mental health straight on and why was I still struggling and going through it. Then the comparison started to hit. Where was my breakthrough? Why was I jealous? How come all the good things couldn’t happen to me? Why are things getting worse?
I would scream out to God asking why why why? Why did mental health have to take control over my life? I started sleeping more and eating less, drinking more and laughing less, cursing more and praying less. It was affecting every area in my life. Financially, physically, mentally. In all my relationships — friendships, family, and with my partner. I wasn’t myself. Arguments would start, the hurtful words, the opening of wounds, the insecurity. I have had enough. Every area in my life was falling apart including my relationship with the love of my life.
My mental illnesses always seemed to ruin things at the wrong time. I was sick and tired of it. What can fix it? Can’t be drugs, can’t be alcohol.. Wait. Maybe those antidepressants that I neglected to take the past 4 months can help. Maybe if I just take one things will permanently be better. Okay, one didn’t help. Two? Three? Ten? Twelve? Perhaps fourteen?
14 pills later landed me in the emergency room. The love of my life ended up texting me just in time, being the one to save my life as he sent paramedics to me. I swore to him it wasn’t suicide. I tried telling the nurses that I only did it to be better. That I wanted to live a life without mental illnesses fucking my life up. Medical staff didn’t believe me and I found myself in a mental institute for 7 days.
Things weren’t the same when I got out. The love of my life tried his best. Told me how traumatizing it was to think the love of his life was going to die. Told me how he watched his mother die. Told me how he loves me enough to let me go until I can love myself. Told me how he couldn’t bear to have children with a wife who didn’t know if she wanted to live or die. Told me how much he loves me but he has to love himself too. That the only thing he wants for me is to put my mental health first. And with that he kissed me goodbye and shut me out of his life. Told me to leave him be.
My life was shattered. I cursed God asking why why why? Why take away the love of my life? The love of my life who wants nothing more to do with me. It took some healing, some understanding, some one on one time with God to learn the reason why. See, how I felt knowing the love of my life isn’t there is nothing compared to the feeling of knowing that he died. What if I had died? How would I have felt? How would that have torn me?
So yes, over the past year I have learned a lot. But one thing that I have realized is that until I truly love myself and take care of myself, I am never going to be in a relationship again.
This piece was written and shared during the IDONTMIND Writing Workshop. Learn more about our free, nine-week course and be the first to know about the next workshop here. Visit Mental Health Connecticut’s YouTube channel for a video version of Cindy’s story.
Cindy Ecclesiastre is an Atlanta based actress, comedian, and mental health and wellbeing advocate whose dream is to make 1 million people laugh.
