What is delayed grief?

HOW TO MOVE THROUGH THE GRIEF THAT RESURFACES WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT

By Kristina Benoist

(Marra / Unsplash)

Unfortunately, one thing that all of us are going to face at one time or another is losing someone or something that we care about. We can all imagine — from our own experience or something we’ve seen in movies, TV, TikTok — the scenario where a loved one passes away, and we’re caught in the whirlwind of handling arrangements, supporting family, and keeping our own life on track. It feels like you don’t have time to actually process your grief with everything happening. It’s like hitting pause on a tough level in a video game — you’re not avoiding it, just saving it for later. 

This is delayed grief, and it’s surprisingly common.

What is delayed grief? 

Think of it like this: If you're in a car accident, your body is flooded with adrenaline. In the immediate aftermath, you might not even realize you're hurt because your brain temporarily numbs the pain to help you cope with the situation. Delayed grief works in a similar way. This protective response is your brain's way of managing the overwhelming impact of grief, just as it manages physical pain in moments of crisis.

Delayed grief happens when feelings of loss don't immediately surface after a significant event — like the death of a loved one. Research from the Journal of Clinical Psychology shows that delayed grief can occur because of different mechanisms in our brain that protect us from the full impact of loss until we are better equipped to handle it. 

Why does this happen? 

These are the underlying reasons or situations  that can cause your grief to be delayed:

  • Shock and denial: The initial shock of loss can numb your emotions, delaying the grieving process.

  • Busy coping mechanisms: Life's distractions, such as work and family, can keep you from processing your grief.

  • Lack of support: Without a strong support system, you might suppress your grief until you feel safe to express it.

  • Cultural expectations: Societal or cultural pressures to "stay strong" can cause you to delay grieving.

  • Sudden loss: An unexpected death can leave you in shock, postponing your grief.

  • Traumatic events: Experiencing or witnessing trauma can push aside grief as you focus on coping with the immediate impact.

  • Major life changes: Significant transitions, like moving or changing jobs, can distract you from processing grief.

  • Caretaking responsibilities: Caring for others may leave you with little emotional capacity to address your own grief.

  • Suppressing emotions: Cultural or familial expectations to suppress emotions can contribute to delayed grief.

How to recognize delayed grief

Recognizing delayed grief can be challenging — the signs may not always be obvious. When suppressed, grief often bubbles up in subtle and unexpected ways. Here are some indicators that your grief is finally coming up to the surface:

  • Emotional reactions to small triggers

  • Increased reminiscing

  • Unexplained physical symptoms (fatigue, headaches, stomach issues)

  • Heightened anxiety or irritability

  • Difficulty concentrating

  • Changes in sleep patterns

  • Avoidance of reminders

  • Sudden outbursts of emotion

  • Increased sensitivity to stress

  • Seeking solitude

Ways to move through your grief

ACKNOWLEDGE IT

The first step is to recognize that what you’re feeling is delayed grief. Give yourself permission to feel all the emotions. A study by the American Psychological Association (APA) shows that acknowledging emotions — especially the negative ones — is crucial for mental health.

TALK ABOUT IT 

Whether it’s with a friend, a family member, or a therapist, sharing your feelings can help. It’s like lifting a weight off your chest. Research from Harvard Medical School highlights the benefits of social support in grieving.

WRITE IT OUT 

Try writing letters to your lost loved one or lost experience or writing about your grief experience. A study in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that expressive writing can help process and understand grief — especially if the grief is coming at you when you aren’t expecting it. 

BUILD A MEMORY CAPSULE

Create a memory capsule by gathering mementos, letters, or photos of whatever or whomever it is you’re grieving. Bury or store it and revisit it after some time. This can give you a ritualistic closure.

GRIEF SUPPORT GROUPS

Join a grief support group where you can share experiences and feelings with others going through similar situations. The International Journal of Group Psychotherapy suggests that group therapy can be particularly effective in addressing delayed grief.

  1. Hospice organizations: Contact local hospice centers.

  2. Therapy centers: Use directories like Psychology Today.

  3. Religious organizations: Reach out to local churches or synagogues.

  4. Online support: Explore platforms like GriefShare.

GRIEF WORKSHOPS 

Participate in grief workshops that offer structured activities to help you process your emotions. Research shows that these settings provide safe environments for exploring and expressing grief.

  1. Hospitals and community centers: Inquire at your local hospital or community center.

  2. Meetup groups: Search for grief workshops on Meetup.

  3. Specialized therapy centers: Some therapy centers offer structured grief workshops.

LEAN INTO A HOBBY

Dive into a hobby that you enjoy or that reminds you of your loved one or whatever it is that you’re grieving. Whether it’s painting, playing an instrument, or cooking, engaging in a meaningful activity can really help your grief feel a little less painful. 

NATURE THERAPY 

Spend time in nature. Activities like hiking, gardening, or simply walking in a park can help soothe the mind and provide a sense of peace. 

MOVING FORWARD

Delayed grief can be tough, but it’s just your body’s way of catching up with your heart. Be kind to yourself, lean on your support system, and take it one day at a time. Remember, it’s okay to grieve, no matter how much time has passed.

Kristina Benoist