Rolling Through The Pandemic
GETTING BACK TO NORMAL IS GOOD. PHYSICALLY, IT IS EASY, BUT MENTALLY IT’S ANYTHING BUT EASY.
By Carson Stanton
(Nathan McDine / Unsplash)
Today, I sat at a favorite local restaurant of mine — out on the patio, enjoying the heat of mid-May and a cool breeze. I wasn’t wearing a mask because the establishment no longer requires one. Which is good. I know it is because no more masks mean one more step towards normal. Whatever normal means anymore. Who knows?
My friend, whose name is anxiety, does not see my maskless face as a relief. Anxiety screams, “No, this is NOT OKAY!” After all, I haven’t been in public without a mask in around 14 months. So yeah, I’m anxious every time I’m out in public without a mask feeling like I’m missing my armor. The armor that the world had dawned just one short year ago, enlisting in a battle against the nasty General Corona. A battle no one enlisted to fight in, yet a battle the entire world was drafted to fight in.
“Learning how to live in our new ‘normal’ is hard because it’s forever changing, and I hate change.”
“Should I even be out at this restaurant right now? With these people? Even though they are, in fact, my people.”
“Is it okay that I have socialized with the same small group of people over the last several months?”
Always safely, of course. Always within my state guidelines. Still, these are thoughts that have plagued my mind for the last year. “Am I doing the right things? Making the right choices? Am I cautious enough?” I never know, but I know for sure that being locked away in my house was not fun because of my other friend — depression.
So, yes, getting back to normal is good. Physically normal is easy, given the minimal restrictions in my state. Mentally it’s anything but easy, though. But I’ve learned throughout this pandemic that it is okay to not be okay! “Why, would anyone be okay in this alternate universe from some twisted science fiction world we were transported to in the never-ending year that was 2020?
Learning how to live in our new “normal” is hard because it’s forever changing, and I hate change. It seems that over the past year rules and restrictions have changed from day to day. Something that was allowed yesterday wouldn’t be allowed tomorrow. The sea of uncertainty that my anxiety spends days lounging in, created by these waves of change has become even more turbulent now that I can go out into the world without a mask.
Now positive changes enter my sea: Being able to go out to different restaurants with my friend before she moves out of state. The possibility of going out with my boyfriend for our first date outside of my house, or a drive in his car. We have only been together seven months, we started dating back in November of 2020, amidst the pandemic. He certainly has been a raft for me to cling to in my churning sea; we have become allies to one another in this war.
I have an awesome family, a strong support system of friends, and a solid blooming relationship. My state seems to be racing back to normal at rocket speed. So what’s the problem? Why is my fantastic friend anxiety still swimming around in the pool of my mind relaxing soaking up every worry I have about the world right now?
“Now I’m fully vaccinated, so that just means I’ve traded mask anxiety for anxiety about whether I’m making the right choice.”
Well, I have Cerebral Palsy which causes me to be wheelchair-bound as well as having a compromised immune system. My boyfriend is also immunocompromised due to an autoimmune disease he has. It has been important for me to protect myself and those I love. Wearing a mask has given me a shield of protection against the virus yet masks festered their own level of anxiety. I would be rolling down an aisle at Target and one end of the mask I was wearing would pop off at least one of my ears. In an instant, a fresh jolt of anxiety would shoot straight through my body. Did anyone see? Was there anyone in the aisle with me? If there was, was I a safe six feet away from them?
Now I’m fully vaccinated, so that just means I’ve traded mask anxiety for anxiety about whether I’m making the right choice. A piece of advice that will probably always be with me is something my doctor told me when I first started taking my anxiety meds. “Our bodies can’t tell the difference between good and bad stress. It’s all the same, stress!” Being stuck in isolation is bad stress. Being able to socialize and interact with people again face to face is good stress — but still definitely stressful!
I’m embracing the stress. I’m giving my friend anxiety a long tight embrace, as I roll through this new world — fully vaccinated and without a mask. The war may be raging on still, but we are steadily charging towards the win!
Carson is a writer living in Tampa Florida. She is currently studying to achieve her B.A in English with a concentration in Creative Writing from The University of South Florida. Her goal with the words she crafts is to share her story and bring positivity and optimism to the lives of others. She’s a mental health and disability advocate. She hopes her writing will help start conversations and break stigmas.
