How to survive a social event when you have social anxiety
YOU CAN DO THIs
Estimated read time: 3 minutes
By Jackie Menjivar
(Edi Libedinsky / Unsplash)
Not everyone is a social butterfly, and it’s okay to be more on the introverted side. But when you live with social anxiety disorder, it’s more than just a bit of shyness — it’s full-blown fear and dread before, during, and after a social event. And the temptation’s always there to just call it all off and stay in the safety of your own space and company. But isolating yourself isn’t the answer.
You deserve connection, community, acceptance, and all the other positive things you get from going out and spending time with other people. And as scary as it feels sometimes, you can do it. Here’s how.
Resist the pre-event jitters
You’re probably going to feel the most anxious leading right up to your event — those few hours (or even minutes) before, when you try to convince yourself that it wouldn’t be that bad to make an excuse and bail. And look, we’re not gonna deny that it feels pretty good to cancel stressful plans… in the moment. That momentary relief isn’t going to feel so good down the line, especially if you start making it a habit to isolate yourself. It’s not worth the guilt of bailing on your friends, or the fear of missing out that starts to creep in. Your life is richer when you go outside, connect with people, and have new experiences. Here are some things that might help:
Have a buddy. Invite a friend to come with you, or make a plan to meet up with someone who’s already invited. They can keep you accountable for actually showing up and make it feel a little less intimidating.
Tell the host you’re coming. In fact, shoot them a text the morning of, letting them know you’re looking forward to it. Last minute cancellations are harder to do when you’ve put it into words just a few hours earlier.
Make a commitment. For this to work, it has to be something that someone else is depending on you for. Offer to help the host set up beforehand, give your friend a ride, or bring the board game or side dish that’s gonna really make or break the night.
Go through the motions. On those days when you just really can’t imagine getting out the door, tell yourself that you don’t have to go, but you’re gonna get ready just in case. Hop in the shower, get dressed, and look up directions to get there. By the end of it, you just might find the motivation to go through with it.
Warm up beforehand
Just like a runner stretches before hitting the pavement, you should get yourself warmed up before tackling a social event. That means getting yourself in the right mindset, feeling confident, friendly, and ready to have fun. Try these out to get yourself in the zone:
Get your head in the right place. Here’s a guided meditation to help soothe those pre-party jitters and reach a more neutral headspace.
Look good to feel good. Go all out on your outfit, hair, makeup, etc. But remember, this isn’t the time to experiment. Stick to your go-to styles so you feel comfortable and confident.
Set the vibe with music. Play music while you’re getting ready or en route to the event. Try to keep it positive and high-energy so that you’re walking in with a pep in your step.
Practice your social skills. On the day of the event, stretch those social muscles before you get there. Smile at a stranger (or a few!) at the store. Greet the cashier and ask them how their day’s going. Call a friend and strike up a conversation.
Reframe your thoughts
A lot of the battle with your anxiety is gonna happen internally, starting with your thoughts. The way you talk to yourself impacts the way you feel and act. It may not be instant, but with consistency, it makes a big difference. Here are some ways to reframe negative thoughts:
Keep it humble. When you start worrying whether you’re acting weird or if everyone is judging you, remind yourself: I am not the center of the universe. People are way too focused on themselves to notice every little thing that you’re doing — weird or otherwise.
Turn it back on them. Instead of hoping that people are going to like you, start telling yourself: I hope that I like them. Go into conversations with the mindset that you’re not trying to prove yourself — you’re trying to find out if they’re someone you want to spend time with.
Tap into the past. So your brain is going into overdrive thinking of everything that could go wrong and every way you could embarrass yourself. Ask yourself: When was the last time I did something like this? How did it go? Did I have fun? How did people treat me? You probably haven’t actually ever been in that nightmare scenario where you made a complete fool out of yourself at a social event. Most of those memories probably fall in the range of “just alright” to “pretty good.” So why would today be any different?
Hold on to your “why.” There has to be a reason why you’re going to this thing in the first place. Maybe this event is really important to your friend, and having you there means a lot to them. Or maybe it’s a networking event, and you want to make professional connections so you can find a better job. Or maybe you just recognize that your life feels fuller when you get out of your routine and make new memories. Whatever it is, remind yourself of why you’re doing this, and let it push you forward.
Play pretend. Sometimes it can feel like anxiety is holding you back. You might be sitting there, wishing you could just be the kind of person who effortlessly navigates social situations and doesn’t sweat the small stuff. So let’s play along. Ask yourself: What would someone without social anxiety do in this situation? Sometimes it helps to think in hypotheticals when your brain is telling you that you can’t do something. You might just find that the answer isn’t so impossible.
Go in with a plan
Anxiety doesn’t always mix well with uncertainty. So plan for the things you can control so that you feel more confident facing the things that you can’t.
Plan some conversation-starters. Go in with some topics you can talk about. It should be something that you can easily turn into a general conversation with anyone (including strangers!). Here’s a good guide for starting convos.
When in doubt, ask questions. Given the chance, most people love to talk about themselves (and it’s less pressure on you to come up with chit chat). Just as important, know who you’re going to talk to. Try to find someone who matches your energy — that might mean staying away from the rowdy crowd and striking up a conversation with the quiet person hanging out on the sidelines instead.
Give yourself a mission or two. You’re not trapped, and you can leave whenever you want…but that doesn’t mean that you should look for the first opportunity to ditch. So set a goal for yourself — something that challenges you and lets you know that you’ve made a successful effort. You could try to talk to three new people, or mingle for 25 minutes without pulling your phone out, or swap social media info with one new person. It’ll give you something to focus on so you feel less aimless, and it’ll help you push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Know your “shields.” Speaking of comfort zones, there are certain things you might hide behind when you’re feeling especially anxious. Scrolling pointlessly through your phone is a common one. Or drinking alcohol to mask your anxiety. Or pretending to be super interested in what’s playing on the TV/the menu that you’ve already read three times/that random stray thread on your sweater.
Doing these things might give you a little sense of relief in the moment, but if you keep falling back on them, you’re just reinforcing the urge to avoid. Learn to recognize them when you’re doing them, and push yourself to do something different — even if that means just standing there doing nothing.
Have coping strategies ready. Not all coping behaviors are bad. Stick to the ones that help keep you out of your head and in the moment. When you have a negative thought, try to notice three new things in the room instead. When you feel restless, give yourself a supportive touch or bring a small keychain you can fidget with in your pocket. When you’re getting overwhelmed, take some deep breaths or try a grounding technique.
Be open about it
Despite what your anxiety may be telling you, you aren’t the only person here feeling this way. Chances are, there are other people feeling just as nervous as you are — and if they’re not feeling that way right now, they’ve definitely felt it at some point or another. Be honest, and you’ll find that most people will empathize and understand.
“I don’t know anyone here — mind if I join you?”
“[Host] invited me, but I don’t think I know anyone else here. How do you know [host]?”
“There are so many people I don’t know here — it’s a little overwhelming. What’s your name?”
“Honestly, these kinds of things make me a little anxious. Do you mind if I sit here with you for a bit?”
If that feels too vulnerable to do with the people at this particular event, then don’t sweat it. Instead, reach out to a friend beforehand (or send them a text during) to let out your nerves and get a little pep talk.
Let yourself be uncomfortable
The thing about anxiety is that, no matter how uncomfortable it can feel (and we know, it can get really uncomfortable), the feeling itself will not kill you. You may not feel very good, and you might have a physical response to it, but it will go away eventually. So instead of rushing to make it go away, try letting yourself sit with the anxiety. Remind yourself that the anxiety does not control you, and that it will pass. Set a time limit (like 15 minutes or so), and if it doesn’t go away, then give yourself permission to leave the situation. The more you practice embracing your feelings, the easier they get to tolerate.
Practice self-care afterwards
Remember that a good post-game will make you more likely to venture out again in the future — and a bad one can do the opposite. Be proud of yourself for making it through, and reward yourself with time to recharge. Make yourself some tea, cozy up in bed, read a book, or whatever else helps you relax and wind down.
This is also the time when your anxiety might kick back in with a vengeance. You could start to overthink everything that happened, playing your words and actions back for some kind of faux pas you missed in the moment. Don’t get stuck in the rumination trap. Do something that’ll keep your mind busy instead, like a puzzle or a video game. More accurate reflection can happen once you’ve gotten some more distance from it.
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Sometimes, discomfort is a sign of courage. So test your fears, know your limits, and get out there. You’ve got this!