Ask a Therapist: Parenting Your Parents During the Coronavirus

DR. LYNN IANNI SHARES HOW TO GET THROUGH TO YOUR PARENTS WHEN THEY AREN’T TAKING OUR CrISis SERIOUSLY

You’ve been self-isolating for a week now, and you have peace of mind knowing that you’re doing all you need to do to keep yourself and others safe from Coronavirus. But then you get a call from your mom or dad, and you find out that they’re going about their day, business-as-usual. They’re going into work even when they can work from home, meeting up with friends, and going to the store every day. Now you feel the huge weight of your parent’s health on your shoulders, and you feel like there’s nothing you can say or do to get through to them.

So what do you do? It feels like a huge role reversal to convince your parents to stay at home. And if your parents live alone, the worry that you feel about them being isolated can take a huge toll on your own mental health. 

We’ve gotten some advice from therapist Dr. Lynn Ianni to gain a little perspective on how to get through to your parents and encourage them through this difficult time.

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My parents don't seem to understand the severity of the situation we're in, and they keep dismissing my concerns as 'panic' and telling me that everyone is overreacting. How do I get through to them?

Although you’re technically their child, it sounds like you and your parents have reversed roles. It also sounds like they’re still in the denial phase of grief, as it might be too scary for them to understand and accept the severity and loss inherent in our current situation. 

You might be able to help them if you communicate from an adult place instead of a parental one and hopefully save yourself from the frustrating experience of trying to control their reaction, which is not in your hands. 

Try using “I-statements” like “I’m scared that if you don’t…this might happen.” That invites them to respond from their adult, take responsibility, and recognize the potential consequences of their choices.

 It also gives you a chance to feel like you’re doing your best to help them, which is truly all you can do.

My dad finally started staying home, but he lives alone and it feels like all he does is complain about being bored and stuck with nothing to do. My siblings and I call and FaceTime a few times a day, but he just complains. How do we help encourage him?

Isolation is one of the most difficult byproducts of our current physical distance mandate, as it’s a recipe for anxiety and depression. 

It sounds like you and your siblings are doing a great job of maintaining social contact and offering your dad a way to feel supported and connected. Perhaps you could let him know that you understand he’s frustrated and bored and that you recognize that it’s hard to be alone. Ask him directly what it is that you can do to help him feel better. In that way, you give your dad responsibility for his feelings and offer him a way to generate solutions. You also let go of any guilt you may feel because you’re unable to fix or control something that isn’t in your hands. 

You can only help him if he lets you, and he’s lucky to have kids like you who are willing to help.

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Content is for informational purposes only and is not meant to serve as medical advice or to replace consultation with your physician or mental health professional.