A Night With My Anxiety And Depression
IT’S BEEN A LONG NIGHT. MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER.
By Maggie Tyndall
Aniyora J Eviv / Unsplash
I feel sick to my stomach. I want to scream. My throat is painfully dry. I need to be doing something; I would go for a run if it wasn’t past midnight. They snooze away like nothing is happening when I feel like my world is in two and I’m not sure how to fix it. I go to the bathroom and wash my face and brush my teeth, only after I run to the toilet and almost throw up. My mom yells for me and asks if I need help. I need to feel like I’m good enough. I don’t voice this; I just tell her it’s fine because I’d rather suffer in silence than be a burden.
I chug some water, dim the lights, and try to read a new book. When that doesn’t work, I listen to music. I feel suffocated. I want to do homework or study even though I’m on winter break. I crave something to keep my focus and try to distance myself from my thoughts. Separating my life from my thoughts was recommended by my therapist. This too shall pass. I want to do yoga, something I have been doing a lot of over winter break. My dad is asleep on the couch next to the pack of Vienna Fingers he took out of the pantry. No yoga for me. I would take one of the Vienna Fingers, but then I would feel anxious about my weight since I already scarfed down a piece of pumpkin bread and a chocolate chip cookie at 1 am when I went downstairs to flip my laundry. Because I weigh too much, I don’t feel good enough. I still feel like I can’t breathe. The lyrics from Olivia O’Brien’s “Empty” play through my head. “I don’t want to live but I’m too scared to die.” I throw my glasses across the room in anger and then struggle to find them since my vision is clouded from tears (and I’m not wearing my glasses since I threw them across the room). I wish I could take more of my anxiety medicine, but I took two pills a few hours ago. I scribble frustrations into my journal, unable to form a complete, coherent sentence and write it legibly.
I pray for sleep to come; you can’t be sad when you sleep. I’m anxious about the antidepressant-induced vivid dreams I’ll endure when sleep does come. I’m anxious about the lack of sleep that will be apparent tomorrow in my mood and temperament. I’m anxious about the criticism that I’ll receive for staying in bed all day and therefore not getting my laundry out of the dryer right away. I unclench my jaw and try to relax my shoulders and my right hand as I scribble away. I try to think of happy things to write about; I don’t want to focus on the negatives. I think about my favorite shows; maybe I’ll put one on? I think about my friends, but I am soon reminded that I can’t see them because of the COVID-19 pandemic and am forced to pray that someone texts me first; I don’t want to be a burden or to be too clingy.
I try to read, but I find that although my eyes are skimming the pages, my mind is elsewhere. My lips are chapped, so I put on some Chapstick and try to stop anxiously rubbing my tongue across my lips. I start doing homework for a class that hasn’t even begun yet. I am gripping the pen too hard and am making mistakes when I write. I decide to turn on my aromatherapy diffuser and drop in some peppermint essential oils; Christmas is a few days away. I chug more water and I think about how my night would be different if I felt good enough for this world. I prepare to add it to the list of things to discuss with my therapist when her winter break ends since I access free therapy at my university. I sob in my room and tell myself that although I feel alone, I’m not. I decide to do better tomorrow. I hear the dryer go off downstairs, a sign that my laundry is ready before morning. I sneak downstairs and try not to wake up my dad. I sneak a Vienna Finger. It’s been a long night; I deserve it.
Maggie Tyndall is from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and dreams of moving to New York City. She is currently a college junior with a double major in Communication Studies and Marketing with a minor in Graphic Design. She loves Broadway, Disney, reading, watching Netflix, and learning all there is to learn.
