Am I a burden to my friends?

FIXING FRIENDSHIP ANXIETY: HOW TO DEAL WITH FEELING DEPENDENT IN YOUR FRIENDSHIPs

(Kimson Doan / Unsplash)

There’s this tricky (and sometimes contradictory) relationship between mental health conditions and friendship. We know that having supportive friends can reduce the symptoms of mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. At the same time, mental health conditions can make it harder to maintain strong friendships. It’s not because you’re any less loveable — sometimes your symptoms just make it challenging to get and stay connected. 

For example, if you’re going through a depressive episode, you might struggle to care for yourself and feel guilty about asking your friends to help you. Or if you live with anxiety, there might be doubts about whether everything you do is an inconvenience to the people you love. You might feel like you’re a burden to your friends, or that you’re asking too much from them. But there are things that you can do to improve your friendships — or the way you view them. 

Introducing our Fixing Friendship Anxiety series: your guide to managing friendships when mental illness makes you feel like you’re doing it wrong. Here’s what to do when you’re feeling needy and worry that you depend on your friends too much. 

I feel like I’m a burden to my friends. 

Know when things are unbalanced. Yes, sometimes a friendship can end up feeling a little one-sided. Learn the signs of trauma dumping and codependence, along with the things you can do to help manage them. Recognize when you’re asking too much from your friends — and when you’re not!

Don’t be sorry, be grateful. Everyone needs help sometimes, and it’s okay to turn to your friends for some support. As long as you’re not doing it in an unhealthy way (like trauma dumping), you don’t have to apologize for it. Instead, thank them! Let your friend know how grateful you are for their help, and make yourself available if they ever need the same from you.

Put yourself in their shoes. If you’re having trouble with guilt, a good exercise is to try and see things from their perspective. Imagine that a friend behaved the way you did. How would you feel about it? So if you’re feeling guilty about asking them for help with something, imagine that the tables were turned. Would you feel burdened? Would you understand and empathize? Would you communicate your feelings to your friend? 

Make an effort to reciprocate. Friendships aren’t a running score that you need to keep in perfect equilibrium. But you should try to make sure that your friendships are balanced and beneficial for everyone. Notice when you and your issues are dominating your conversation, and make an effort to ask your friend about how they’re doing, too. Find things you can help them with or things you can do to show them you care. 

Establish clear boundaries. If you’re worried about putting too much on your friend’s shoulders, it might be helpful to set some boundaries. Check in with them before unloading to make sure they’ve got the time and emotional capacity to hear you out. And don’t forget to keep doing things together that don’t involve any emotional heavy-lifting (because no one wants to be the friend that you only talk to when you’re having problems). Give them space when they need it, and make them comfortable asking for it. 

Be respectful of their time and opinions. Keep the heavy conversations within a reasonable timeframe. Don’t drag them out over hours or rehash the same issues every day. Everyone will have different limits for this kind of stuff, so ask your friend what they need. And when you do have these conversations, remember that you’re talking to them (instead of just journaling about it) for a reason. Take their advice to heart, appreciate their words of support, and really listen to what they have to say. 

WHAT TO TELL YOURSELF:

“I am not a burden. My friends want to support me. I am worthy of their compassion and friendship”

“Everyone needs help sometimes. It’s okay to ask for it. I don’t have to be okay all the time, especially with my friends.” 

“If my friends were going through a tough time, I would want to do whatever I could to help them. I trust that they’re doing the same for me.”

WHAT TO TELL THEM:

“Hey, I’ve been struggling with something difficult that happened to me lately, and I could really use somebody to talk to about it. Do you have the time and emotional space to listen right now?”

“I know I’ve been leaning on you a lot for support this past month, and I’m so grateful for you and your friendship. That being said, if anything ever feels like too much, or you’re feeling emotionally tapped out, please let me know! I have a wide support system to fall back on, and I want you to care for yourself first.”

“Thank you so much for talking through this with me. This has helped a lot. I want to be respectful of your time and energy, so how about we switch gears now? Do you want to watch that movie you were talking about last week?”

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You deserve friendship. You deserve to be loved for your authentic self — and that includes your mental health conditions. With communication, intention, and honesty, you can ease your friendship anxiety and show up for your friends in a way that feels good for everyone. Check out the rest of our Fixing Friendship Anxiety series for more.